Thursday, May 31, 2007

Billy Graham: Jesus Christ, this is the thanks I get!

You'd think when you dedicate your life to the almighty; you would get a better shake on clocking out of life. Well, not so much for Reverend Billy Graham. The poor old bible-thumpin' coot is in pretty rough shape. It seems the moral and spiritual adviser for entirely too many presidents (something like 11 if you count Ford; our country's version of a substitute teacher who let the punks run the joint i.e. Rumsfeld and Cheney) is suffering from a list of ailments that looks like what you get if you Googled "f*cked up combo of diseases that would hurt the most". Rev. Graham has fluid on the brain, prostate cancer and Parkinson’s disease.

Now far be it from me to take God and his kid to task here, but if you really wanted to impress people and have them join your club, you might want to make things a little easier on the one guy who shucked and jived in your name for the last, oh, 80 years.

And if the whole disease thing wasn't bad enough, his son Franklin arranges the Velveeta sandwiches and Country-Time lemonade in preparation for the Caucasian-studded dedication of his father's $27 million library and museum. One is led to assume that for $27 cool you would get a little class and dignity; well, that too is a dashed hope. Apparently the ol' anti-semite liked to promote his humble beginnings as a farm boy, so Franklin and his crack staff designed the place to look like a barn which has a 40-foot glass cross for a front door (classy). Hay bales and a 1936 farm truck decorate the lobby, along with an animatronic cow named Bessie that talks about Billy Graham as a young boy. Yes, you read that right, "an animatronic cow named Bessie that talks about Billy Graham as a young boy". Man, at least Falwell has a tax shelter disguised as a half-assed homogeneous university keeping his foul memory alive. In a somewhat related adding insult to injury side note, his parent's homeplace is now the site of Park Road Shopping Center.

A faux-barn, talking cow, a son with no aesthetic and a mall; take note people, that's not a legacy, that's karma!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

10 damn good reasons to sober up, pick yourself up out of your own sick and suck it up for summer

If you're like most people, you're currently bemoaning the fact that you made it through the three-day weekend alive and now have to pay the bills associated with that. Well, here at the editorial offices of the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad we want to give you some reasons, 10 in fact, to soldier on and make it to at least the Fourth of July five-day weekend; screw Labor Day, that's far too ambitious at this point. So, without any further delay, here's the list:

  1. Islamofascist Pigeon chatter has picked up and more aggressive strikes on the President are expected
  2. Both American Idol and The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentlemen are off the air
  3. It's only a matter of time before John McCain completely flips out and does something spectacular to torpedo his campaign for good and you want to be around to see that YouTube nugget
  4. Paris Hilton's June 5th perp walk
  5. Bush at 25% approval rating by July
  6. Cerebral Itch launches their Highlarious t-shirts in June (shameless freakin' plug we know)
  7. Summer Movies: Knocked Up, Transformers the movie and Oceans 13
  8. Barbeque and board shorts
  9. Al Gore entering the Presidential race and upending everything (fall prediction mind you but holy crap that's going to be a dust-up)
  10. This
Add your own in the comments, because it was like pulling teeth coming up with these.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Indebted forever

Sunday, May 27, 2007

NEW FEATURE - Fantasy Obit

Is it really too much to ask for at this point?

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Hi everybody, it's Saturday and also
the 30th Anniversary weekend of Star Wars!
Sing along!

Cerebral Itch presents
The Imperial March

You know you've hummed this tune when trying to feel like a badass

Here's the real one for comparison

Friday, May 25, 2007

10 damn good reasons to drink yourself deaf, dumb and blind this Memorial Day weekend

One of the fortuitous things about penning a blog these days is the seemingly bottomless font of news and pop-culture detritus that you can swim in and skewer to your heart's content. But then you have weeks like the one we just had, where the steady rain of news becomes a shit storm of biblical proportions causing you to collapse on the floor like an epileptic kid in front of the wall of televisions at Best Buy. So in order to keep our mood hovering just slightly above suicidal, we thought we'd punt and put together a list of things that justify a weekend booze run that looks like you're buying cases of water before a hurricane.

  1. Currently having impure thoughts about providing Monica Goodling "comfort" if you know what I'm saying
  2. The promise: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" pretty much getting lost in a bureaucratic circle-jerk usually reserved for half-assed wars and healthcare
  3. That you actually thought the gasbag pussies also known as the 110th United States Congress would've done what the majority of the electorate wanted and not be slaves to their own calculating machinations of byzantine political cowardice
  4. Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's End making more money this weekend than an average sampling of 50 school districts get budgeted collectively in a year
  5. That these people will be enjoying a holiday weekend that honors our fallen with their family and friends: Douglas Feith, General Tommy Franks, Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, George Tenet, Condoleeza Rice, Paul Bremer
  6. That these people will not
  7. If you spent as much on a date as you will filling up your car; you might've gotten laid more
  8. Heroes is over
  9. That we have a president that wipes bird poop off of his jacket with his own finger
  10. Paris Hilton's sentence may be reduced
CHEERS! And feel free to add some of your own in the comments.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

It's over, Sweet Jeezus it's finally over

After one of the most boring, bizarre and saccharine American Idols' ever, it all came down to a sweet kid from Arizona who could really sing and emote. I got nothing bad to say about Jordin Sparks; she was about the most genuine thing on television. With that said, we're taking bets on how fast public scrutiny and deviant music industry opportunists can soil her. I got $20 on four months, six days.

And speaking of soil, that's practically what I did to myself when they let the pansexual punchline known as Sanjaya and his talentless Idol brethren back on stage to backup the now equally creepy Smokey Robinson; who is obviously partaking in the same Ponce De Leon punch that Little Richard has with his morning screwdriver.

All in all there were no surprises, just a lot of phoned-in performances (minus Green Day's) and inappropriate hyperbolic references obviously written by some junior college creative writing class. It was all pretty much a blur considering that the Cerebral Itch staff turned it into a drinking game slamming a shot every time a Ford motor product graced the screen. We were shit-faced by 8:45.

So adieu American Idol, we'll count the days till next year's shark jumper as well as a fatter Randy, an even less-coherent Paula and a richer Simon. Face it kids, life now works that way.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

This video makes a gay pride parade look straight

Thought we would throw up a musical chestnut in preparation for the American Idol Finale; "throw up" being the operative term here.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Chihuahua Week continues: Paula Abdul breaks beak while tiptoeing over Tulip

We're puzzled by the fact that a once-accomplished choreographer from the 90's can trip the light fantastic with an animated cat, but to her detriment cannot avoid a seven pound chihuahua named Tulip.

Paula Abdul, paragon of lucidity and taste, apparently busted her nose over the weekend while trying to avoid stepping on her dog. Sure, we could see this happening to Liza Minneli but Paula? Although all reports do indicate that when she did go down, she didn't spill a drop of her drink.

Here's a look back at her more coordinated days:

Monday, May 21, 2007

Lucky they have back legs or Richard Gere might've partied with them: Legless Chihuahuas

See, this is what happens when you cross chihuahuas with Tyrannosaurus Rex DNA; you get that little front arms thing.

Actually, what really happened was that some asshat with a penchant for breeding chihuahuas kept using the same breeding stock and eventually inbred a litter with tres perritos sin piernas . Now I will smile a huge smile when they incarcerate this sub-human for creating these hoppity habeneros. In a perfect world justice would be meted commensurate with a Dr. Mengele dog breeder: Strip'em, tie'em down and find the horniest Bull Mastiff in town.

But let's be honest here, these poquito pogo-sticks are going the be on the Tonight Show in two-years wearing tutus and dancing around better than Heather Mills on a good night. They might as well poop pesos. Who can forget picking their jaw up off the ground the first time they saw Faith, the biped dog. Now that I mention it, I gotta go make some calls.

(Cerebral Itch would like to profusely apologize for the senseless use of alliteration in this piece. It's Monday and we have no other way of amusing ourselves - except of course watching videos of biped bunuelos -
damn it! I can't stop)

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Cerebral Itch 3-second Movie Review Math - 28WEEKS LATER

One hell of a smart scary cool movie

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Hi everybody, it's Saturday! Sing along!

Cerebral Itch presents
Earth, Wind and Fire
Boogie Wonderland
It's the music they play in heaven you know

Friday, May 18, 2007

Christopher Hitchens - Patron Saint of Polemicists

How many times have any one of us wanted to stand up in a classroom, boardroom, church, etc. and scream directly at the person blathering, "I call bullshit!" Well, the always entertaining and mind-numbingly literate author and raconteur Christopher Hitchens did essentially that on Fox News' televised monkey-dance, Hannity and Colmes.

The Set-Up: Mr. Hitchens and Christian Coalition founder Ralph Reed were brought on the show to discuss the passing of Rev. Jerry Falwell. Background: Hitch just came out with his latest book God Is Not Great and Reed is still licking his wounds from being tied to Jack Abramoff. Best Closing Line of the Night Ever!: Hitchens for "If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox..."

Let the fireworks begin:

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Acting retarded'll get you a year in the slammer or eight years in the White House

We all remember the classic Seinfeld episode where Kramer got a some dental work and the lingering anesthesia caused a little facial paralysis and slurred speech wherein he was soon mistaken for a developmentally disabled individual much to his benefit; resulting hilarity ensued.

Well it appears one Pete J. Costello - 28 of Vancouver, WA, pleaded guilty to bilking the government out of a few hundred Social Security checks for the past 10 years by pretending he was retarded. It turns out that his mother (their word for her, not ours) trained he and his sister in the lost art of faking retardation in the Social Security office. The mother also got the book thrown at her to the tune of nearly $288,000 in restitution and the daughter is still on the lam.

Where this gets curious is how Pete's impersonation of retardation is described by the court: "picking at his face, slouching and appearing uncommunicative in meetings". We would like to point out the striking similarities to another charlatan that has been taking advantage of taxpayers with the same ploy. We submit the below video for your comparison.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

One down...

American fundamentalist Baptist Pastor and Founder of the Moral Majority. b.1933-d.2007

Quotes to remember him by:

  • “Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them”
  • “I had a student ask me, "Could the savior you believe in save Osama bin Laden?" Of course, we know the blood of Jesus Christ can save him, and then he must be executed”
  • “Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions”
  • “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”
  • “The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country”
  • “If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”
  • “Textbooks are Soviet propaganda”
  • “The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews”
  • “It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening”

Monday, May 14, 2007

Richardson's got my vote

Please take a look at these hilarious ads and just savor the irony and brilliance contained in them. The look on Richardson's face at the beginning of the first ad, sums up perfectly a centrist's sentiment when perusing the other presidential candidates. You really have to examine a candidate who does not rely on pandering, scare tactics and obfuscation, but their own impressive (and germane) record buttressed by an impeccable sense of comedic timing.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

No Mother's Day card coming your way lady

As for all the other mothers who have not given birth to a trained monkey and destroyer of nations; a very Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Hi everybody, it's Saturday! Sing along!

Cerebral Itch presents
a salute to the 2008 Presidential Candidates

Do You Like Waffles?

Friday, May 11, 2007

Oh Cameron, the cross you bear

Cameron Diaz recently let her feelings be known on the soul-crushing inequality of being perty.

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average. It's all in my genes, so don't hold it against me."

Perhaps all that was needed to help punch this polemic through the mundane white-noise of war, corruption and climate change was for her to be on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. That surely would've added to the necessary gravitas to such a bold and uniting statement. Her pain must resonate so deeply with high-school cheerleaders and Hawaiian Tropic girls around the world. Someone organize a telethon and call Bill and Melinda Gates.

You know, there were days when attractive blond actresses (editors note: brunettes are waaay hotter) giggled and acted stupid. Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Judy Holliday made a tidy living off of that schtick. Now, golden scarecrows Cameron Diaz, Gwyneth Paltrow and the like make the occasional asinine statement with the lofty intent of being profound or intelligent. Unfortunately no one told them that you have to be profound and intelligent to make those kinds of statements.

And as for that "successful actress [who] weighs 300 pounds and has warts"; Camryn Manheim is coming to kick your scrawny white ass.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The Cerebral Itch T-Shirt Designs!


Be heard, affect the marketplace, tell us we're full of crap!

The above nifty slide show will display all 14 of our new designs (click here to see them larger). Once you've viewed them all, VOTE for your favorites using the polling station below. If you have any other comments or questions, go ahead and email us. We're really reaching out to you, please don't make us feel more alone than we already do.
T-shirts go on sale at and select U.S. stores June 15th.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

A letter from the Queen

Dearest Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad,

It is with profound joy that I address your sagacious readership.

I have been looking forward to penning this letter due to the fact that your "web-log" allows me a certain degree of candor concerning my recent trip to your wonderful country. The pageantry and historical significance of this trip is not lost on I nor the Duke of Edinburgh, but I must say that your President leaves a great deal to be desired.

Mr. Bush strikes me as a bit of an inbred troglodyte. Never before have I been so insulted by lax manners and presentation. You poor people literally have an old chav running your country. Prince Phillip remarked that Mrs. Bush fares no better when engaged in conversation. Once one strays from the synopses of children's books the woman has very little command of all things elevated. I too found her to be bereft of anything becoming a first lady and I've met my share. Her mother-in-law is a close second on the "rough around the edges" list, but at least she knows how to emasculate her husband and I can respect that.

I must say that I came very close to cutting my trip short after the Jamestown ceremony with your Vice-President; a true bore. He is nothing more than an angry fat man who reminded me of Churchill in his final days. Although Churchill could tell a ribald titty joke and get the help in a fit of laughter. Dear me, I am so enjoying this letter; it is allowing me much-needed catharsis and I thank you for that.

I mean honestly, who winks at the Queen of England? I'll tell you who, your cowboy President after he clumsily insulted me by adding 200 years to my age. I would like it to be known that I employ people who could make things very difficult for him after 2008. Lest not forget that I still do run to the Illuminati. No one, and I mean no one (well, maybe Daniel Craig) gets to wink at me. I dare say, if he had pulled that with Golda Meir you would all be learning how to say President Pelosi this morning. Angela Merkel still calls me and complains that she can't scrub off the "bad touch" of the President's famous G8 back rub. My deepest sympathies to you all.

In closing, my eternal gratitude to your editor, Mr. Paul Chamberlain for allowing me to address you and great thanks for the gift of Cerebral Itch Greeting cards. The "Dead Relatives can see you humping" card is my favourite for obvious historical reasons.

convivially yours,

HM The Queen
HRH The Duchess of Edinburgh
HRH The Princess Elizabeth
HRH Princess Elizabeth of York

Sunday, May 06, 2007

On Notice

These people not only annoy us, but frighten us as well - Republican Presidential candidate/chameleon-like charm cyborg, Mitt Romney and Psychotic Jesus-Freak/Evangelical power-broker, Pat Robertson

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Hi everybody, it's Saturday! Sing along!
and most of all, HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!

Cerebral Itch presents
Linda Rondstadt
Volver, Volver
one of the best damn torch songs in any language

Friday, May 04, 2007

Hey look everyone! Karma still works!

Suhwheet Jeezus there be some justice in these parts!

Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer is my new hero. This robe-wearing badass threw the book at the flaxen trollop hard. No furloughs, no community service, no house arrest, just hard jail time for 45 days starting June 5th. Suck it up princess, you're going to be sold to a 250lb crackwhore named Velma for cigarettes and diet Fresca.

Can you imagine the limo ride home where you know her mother had to practically sketch out the fact that daddy or her sycophant staff were not going to be able to get her out of this one? And if there's a successful appeal, so help me, there will be blood in the streets.

Out of touch old white guys table for 10?...right this way - The Republican Presidential Debate re-cap

While the Democratic Presidential debate last week was mostly a mambo line of milquetoast liberals trying out their talking points while paso doble-ing on eggshells, (with great exception to Mike Gravel and Senator Joe Biden who both wore “pissed-off zany” like a bespoke suit) it addressed the need of listening to the ‘06 electorate and wilding on the functional illiterate currently playing Risk in the West Wing. But all in all, it was relatively harmless.

But last night’s Republican Presidential Debate could be billed as the scariest two-hours in television history since The Day After aired. Chris Matthews should’ve just started out the night by saying, “Gentlemen, tonight’s topics are intolerance, rejection of scientific fact, misplaced aggression due to phallic inadequacies and for extra credit, clumsily include multiple fawning and disingenuous references to Ronald Reagan into each of your answers– you have the floor."

As referenced earlier, people like Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich have their wingnut qualities, but when they take their medication; they speak truth to power. But because they’re loony in presentation, the voting public has kept them on a tight leash as not to do too much damage. On the other hand, The Republican field of last night had senators, congressmen and governors proclaiming beliefs that disregard women’s rights, gays and fourth-grade textbooks. Lucky for us, the Republican field can be nicely categorized if you’re keeping score at home:

Evangelical Christian Doofuses with pious smiles for miles
Governor Mike Huckabee and Governor Sam Brownback who both raised their bible-calloused hands when asked “who does not believe in evolution”; they also had the audacity to keep claiming throughout the night that “faith” should be “celebrated in the public square” and that it was their key decision-making tool. Not academics, legislative experience or management of exceptional and diverse counsel, but faith in a Christian God.
Fun Fact: Brownback defines himself as a social conservative and cites former Senator Jesse Helms as a model. Huckabee was a pastor of several Southern Baptist churches in Arkadelphia, Texarkana, and Pine Bluff, Arkansas - cue the banjo.

One-Trick-Pony moonbats who should be 8th-grade shop teachers
California Rep. Duncan Hunter and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo both beat their cuckoo drums to death about military spending, immigration and building the Great Wall of Chicanos from California to Texas. Tancredo was also the third creationist jackass to raise his hand on the evolution question. Hunter looked like a drunken Rotarian guest-speaker spewing 50’s era talking points about China being the enemy and U.S. manufacturing needs government help to keep jobs. No Duncan, Intel makes great chips; GM makes shitty cars, how about we let the market decide and not the government Mr. Republican. Fun Fact: Duncan Hunter was a close friend of former congressman and uber-crook Duke Cunningham and Tancredo referred to Miami as a "third-world country"

Pandering wisps of vapor that will be Trivial Pursuit answers in 10 years
Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson both sucked-up to the base (as well as the ghost of Ronald Reagan) and delivered their lines exceptionally well with the glaring exception of Tommy Thompson when asked whether or not employers can essentially fire someone for being gay. For about three seconds you could see the sorry old bastard toss his conflicted soul from his body as he tacked to the conservative base and said that it was up to the employer to make that decision. Causing this viewer to rewind the Tivo to make sure I heard him right. It was an amazing moment of intolerance and sadness. Compounding this social tragedy was that none of the other candidates chimed in and stated that they live in the 21st century and find Governor Thompson an homophobic idiot.

Smart guy we’ve never heard of who sounded most like a Buckley/Reagan Republican
Texas Rep. Ron Paul – Physician, libertarian, hates nation-building and thinks the current administration is money-drunk, dangerous big government cabal.

Front-runners (snort, snicker, bwah-ha-ha!)
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and Arizona Senator John McCain diverged last night in both opinion and passion. Giuliani broke from the ranks over saying he would not pursue overturning Roe v Wade and waffled on other social issues as not to alarm the party centrists (i.e. Schwarzenegger in the front row who he so desperately needs if he goes the distance). McCain was a fiery hawk who sounded like Khan at the end of Star Trek II with his “I’ll follow him [Osama Bin Laden] to the gates of hell” diatribe and then immediately smiled like the slow kid who is about to be rewarded with juice and crackers for getting his one line right in the Christmas play. Pandering to the base award-honorable mention goes to McCain for saying he believes in evolution but when he walks the Grand Canyon he can see the “hand of God”; really John, most of us see natural erosion of schist and limestone from a diminishing inland sea over millions of years and a once proud indigenous people who now need to build a plexi-glass walkway to help their communities survive Arizona winters. Way to go God.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Happy Father's Day indeed

Alec Baldwin can thank his lucky stars he didn't get Hasselhoff's ex-wife and daughter. Apparently the old family intervention video inexplicably found it's way to the den of whores known as Entertainment Tonight. Theories are that the ex-wife is playing some major-league hardball on the custody front or his kid was looking for some extra shopping money. We're placing bets on the shopping money angle.
Taylor - Hasslehoff's Kid: "Hey dad, you're fresh off a divorce, fighting alcohol addiction and doing the Vegas knock-off of the Producers; smile for the camera while you're impersonating a skid-row wino."

Taylor puts down the video camera and picks up cell phone

Taylor - Hasslehoff's Kid: "Hi Entertainment Tonight, have I got some footage for you!"

Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad Exclusive
Thanks to the intrepid Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad reporter, Commodore Jukebox, we have received exclusive video from an earlier Hasselhoff bender.

Saltine Cracker and American Cheese get voted off of American Idol

Last night, the American Idol voting public finally pulled their head out and got down to business, fired two bullets and hit the right targets. First was Phil Stacey or better known as "American Cheese" who was told, "Thanks for the service to your country, now get the f*ck off the stage". The crew here had a particularly hard time with Cheeseball Stacey. That hairless cat took himself way too seriously and he sucked the cool right out of being bald. Dark circles under your eyes and having an abnormally small cranium do not make for a winning combination. One ill-fitting baseball cap and you'd swear he was finishing up a round of chemo. Oh yeah, the other loser was the guy that could easily disappear into the crowd at a boy-band convention and never be found.

We look forward to their newfound obscurity.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Britney Spears Dropped as Cerebral Itch spokesperson

SAN DIEGO, May 2, 2007 As a result of flagrant noncompliance to the terms of her contact with Cerebral Itch, pop-princess and mother-of-the-year Britney Spears will no longer serve as spokesperson for Cerebral Itch, Inc. and related properties.

It appears that the final straw for Cerebral Itch was last night's surprise performance at the San Diego House of Blues nightclub. Ms. Spears performed wearing a wig of long brown hair. A move that was in direct violation of the terms in her contract that required her to remain shorn and display the well-known Cerebral Itch icon: the cross bandages. Cerebral Itch president and co-founder, Paul Chamberlain stated "To say that we didn't anticipate erratic behavior by Ms. Spears would be an understatement of cosmic proportions, but to cover up our icon with a wig and wear panties in public on the same night was just too much; we needed to get the lawyers involved."

Spears spokesperson, Gina Orr denies that Spears did this intentionally and hopes that this can be resolved quickly and amicably. But sources close to Spears claim that she never really got the humor and complexity of the Cerebral Itch brand and was only doing it in hopes the brand association would resurrect her "cool factor". "The cards confused her and made her head hurt" said a close Spears associate who declined to be identified. Another source claims that while in San Diego, Spears was in negotiations with Freedom Grill, a San Diego-based manufacturer of gas barbeque grills that can be mounted to the trailer hitch of any vehicle.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

We're back! Just like Sexy

We're back! Not tanned, not rested, but better humans for the experiences we enjoyed over the past week. From what friends and police records tell us, we cut a swath through life and took no prisoners all while wearing the same underwear we started with.

This whole sordid affair started at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. We were able to procure/appropriate/steal an invite and get seated at the same table as Sanjaya and his/her mother. And let me tell you, when Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and Sec'y of State, Condi Rice come up to shake the hand of that American Idol hermaphrodite rodeo clown, you have confirmation that birds now fly backwards and babies crap gold coins. By this point in the evening I needed to get properly numb and thanks to a couple of vicodin John Ashcroft's wife passed me in the foyer earlier, I was aces. Then, Rich Little took the stage. After an appropriately imposed 23-year absence from this particular function, the 70's era comedian and impressionist approached the dais and did an amazing impersonation of a has-been comedian sucking, crashing and burning. It was glorious. Let's face it, when Rich Little is the only talent you can scrape off the comedy shoe as not to offend, you know you got problems. Apparently I didn't keep my opinions to myself during Rich's performance and was summarily tossed from the room, dragged to the hotel kitchen and thrown in the massive refrigerator. I was interrogated amongst the rack of lamb and asparagus for about six hours by pissed off secret service spooks and then woke up wearing an orange jumpsuit in a Iowa corn field on Tuesday. Take note people, that's a f*ckin' weekend!

I knew I could get back to L.A. by calling up an old flame from college who helped me get through the rough spots financially speaking. Agnes was a very generous and attractive woman in an Elaine Stritch kind-of-way and she knew how to properly compensate young men who curried her favor. She was still living; in Des Moines, I needed plane fare and we'll leave it at that.

Once I arrived in L.A. I was going to stay with my old friend Kim Bassinger and her daughter, but apparently this was a bad time for them so I made other arrangements. I called my current employer, Representative and presidential candidate Duncan Hunter and asked if he could put me up in the "Duke Cunningham suite" at the Ritz-Carlton in Laguna; he made some calls and one town car and mini-bar later I was poolside. While lying there reading my green Vanity Fair I spotted Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds making out and dare say, petting in public. I politely asked them to get a goddamn room and they shot back "want to join us?". I was intrigued and thought about it a minute, but erred on the side of sanity when Ryan said I could be in charge of the camera and the raccoon. It was time to go home.