The boys over at i-mockery.com are proving that until the Chinese start putting out hilarity genius on the level of a Flash Ivan Drago (Rocky IV villain) side-scrolling 8-bit video game, America still firmly kicks everyone else's ass.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
"Their selection of "greeting" cards, penned in such wonderfully wicked prose that you can't help but laugh out loud, are blasted with biting messages of remorse, lust and general dislike."
read the whole article here
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A completetly unsubstantiated salacious rumor from the fellatio capital of the world: Washington D.C.
Here at the offices of Cerebral Itch, we get a lot of letters. Most of them are manifestos describing the end of days or real nutcases asking us to send them used manwhore shirts worn by one our hot interns. But every once and a while, a letter comes in that blows us away. The below letter is an unsolicited email the we received from a "reliable" source talking about an experience with the embattled Idaho Republican senator, Larry Craig.
Dear Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad,
I'm a long-time reader and first-time writer. I love your blog, it's fabulous!
So I realized there's a time in one's life where you walk in from the kitchen while the television's on and realize that you have an intimate connection to the news story that's being broadcast. The last time this happened was in 2001 when Ricky Martin was performing at Bush's inauguration and I realized he was wearing my bespoke charcoal cashmere winter coat he obviously stole after the sordid one-night-stand we shared at the D.C. Ritz-Carlton. When I saw that sexy son of a bitch in my coat dancing with that election-stealing moron I knew that it would be another cold day in January before I'd let his ass in my bed.
Well it happened again yesterday when I see that "Lip-Smacking" Larry (as most of us referred to the senior Republican senator from Idaho) was outed for his reckless public bathroom cruising. This withered old queen had been nothing more than a nuisance for more than 30 years in old foggy bottom. He made Mark Foley look like a twink with stage fright in comparison. And when he would start railing on the senate floor about the collapse of American culture thanks to the liberals and most especially the gays, we all knew he was setting himself up for a serious news cycle that was going to give his wife carte blanche at the first meeting of their respective divorce lawyers.
He used to hit on me when I was a page for of all people, Barney Frank. He would give me the old saw about not getting the kind of loving he deserved from his wife and that he just needed some masculine companionship that would in turn serve me quite well in furthering my career. I told him that I was dating a woman at the time (in fact, I was just being a beard for a young lady that turned out later to be Donna Shalala's girlfriend during the Clinton years). He wouldn't take "no" for an answer. He kept pressing the issue and telling me that he and some boys from the Department of the Interior (I loved that double entendre) were getting a leather party together and he thought I would have fun. I was getting really angry at this point and told the old queen to piss off. He in turn became upset, especially when I said he reminded me of James Dobson's gay twin brother.
One summer night at the Capitol, the old hippocrate followed me into the men's restroom where I felt the only way I could get away from him was to take refuge in a stall. He proceeded to get in the stall next to me and do this little toe tap thing apparently indicating that he was in heat; to which I replied " for Christ sake you old queen why don't you just ask for a blow job and be done with it?" He then hurriedly scurried from the stall never to torment me again.
You tell us if that isn't some good dirt?! We plan to sell this story exclusively to BRAVO who is cutting us in to co-produce a weekly show dedicated to Republican gay sex scandals - sweet!
Posted by Cerebral Itch at 10:37 PM
Monday, August 27, 2007
Today was a big day for contrition. Alberto Gonzales said "adios" and reminisced on his humble beginnings and his blessed ascent to presidential shill and high-profile forgetful retard. Michael Vick announced he has found Christ as a result of his helping dogs meet God via his Krakow kennels. And late in the day, Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) tried to clear up the misunderstanding surrounding his intentions in a bathroom stall at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where a police report states he was looking for some companionship in the form of a, well, a penis.
A rough day all around for the rest of us who look for reasons to go on. We were pretty much reminded before dinner time how fucked-up we as a society truly are. Gonzales oversaw 49 justice and law enforcement agencies with moral vapidity and the intellectual acumen of a Kinko's employees (apologies to Kinko's employees, but you know it's true). Vick has been paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 million since 2000 and used a portion of that to house, torture and kill dogs while laughing and sipping Cristal with his buddies. The Senior Senator from Idaho has been a fierce supporter of President Bush on immigration and energy issues and felt that parts of New Orleans should be condemned after Katrina. He also holds his moral beliefs close as he voted against cloture on a bill in 2002, which would have extended the federal definition of hate crimes to cover sexual orientation even though he cruises airport bathrooms for something other than fragrant foaming hand soap.
Let us all raise a glass in celebrating the fall of these morons who believe they can operate above us. Then again, a reminder to all of those "above us"; keep doing what you're doing because watching you fall is spectacular.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Kudos must be given to her parents for supporting her in reaching for her dream despite being so ridiculously developmentally disabled.
Not that we're a bunch of old men standing on a porch yelling at kids to get off our goddamn lawn, but for crissake the kids today are frankly a bunch of pussies. Case in point, High School Musical 2; this corporate concoction of acne-less saccharin talent is a phenomenon of disturbing proportions. Tweens are losing their shit over this swill. If you haven't wasted minutes of your life watching this thing check out the below clip (and please follow with an insulin chaser).
Fine. Wholesome clean entertainment for a generation of youngsters who love their church, are team players and consider their parents to be their best friends. Pardon me while I heave. They're also a generation that has more of a sense of entitlement than a kid of an OPEC member and couldn't be less concerned with the world around them unless it has a hip hop riff and blatant consumerism associated with it. Many a publication and comedian ask "where are the pissed-off youth of the 60's and 70's?", I'll tell you where: watching crap like High School Musical and Hannah Montana in between text messages, soccer practices and virginity commitment signing ceremonies.
29 years ago another high school musical hit the pop culture collective: Grease. It was a brillaint little musical with some fairly well-known names produced by a cadre of coke-snorting, high-living reprobates who knew how to make entertainment not based on demographics and merchandising. A testament to it's longevity is the fact that the damn thing still lives with us till this day in the form of knock-offs and shitty reality shows. If High School Musical enjoys that kind of success, I'll be hooking up to a morphine drip in 2036 and checking out.
Now that you've seen the High School Musical clip, check out the below clip from Grease; specifically the Greased Lightning number. Saccharin it is not; listen closely and you will hear some of the filthiest lines you would've thought you'd only hear in a Prince song.
Thanks to corporate-driven political correctness and mega-church judeo-christian jingoism the days of a family musicals containing lines like those in a Grease tune are long gone. It's an interesting experience to look back and see things a little rougher around the edges and nastier.
Then again, I could just be smacked on cheap Shiraz and making less sense then the guy in the center-divider asking for spare change.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
As if this crazy-ass right-wing extremist hillbilly was ever worth the calories necessary to remember his name, he did make the collective radar recently with an amazingly vulgar and dangerous on-stage first amendment bludgeoning rant aimed at the two top democratic presidential candidates as seen here:
"Nugent lives near President George W. Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, and said he caught Bush's attention at his private inauguration party in 2000. "When he noticed me, he was surrounded by these huge bankrollers from his campaign. He literally swept past all of them and said, 'Laura! Look who's here! It's Ted!' Then he hugged me and took me by the shoulders. He said, 'Just keep doing what you're doing. Don't think that we don't know what you're up to out here. Stay on course." - "Ted Nugent: Off his rocker?", The Independent, 28 May 2006
Sunday, August 19, 2007
See there's a joke in that headline and once you see the movie, oh how you will get it.
Our movie reviewer, Big Pete tried to come up with our patented 3-second movie review for this movie but just couldn't - it's that original. The poor guy cried like a little girl and I had to send him home to reflect on his failure. With that said, we heartily endorse this wonderfully acted potty-mouth screwball comedy.
The portly kid Seth, played by Jonah Hill is on the fast track to become his generation's Belushi hopefully without checking out of the Chateau Marmont in 10 years. Take a look at this deleted scene from that other side-splitter shown earlier this summer, Knocked Up. The Kid's a free-associating panicking genius. Micheal Cera, who plays his buddy is always a sure bet as fans of the too-smart-for-network-TV cancelled gem, Arrested Development know from his deadpan hilarity as Justin Bateman's son, George Michael.
Go see it, it's worth the money you usually spend on booze.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
It is fascinating and simultaneously frightening to try to imagine what switch flipped in this man's head. To think 13 years ago he called it, all of it! To the last bloody detail. Amazing.
Most stunning line of the clip: ..."how many additional dead Americans is Saddam worth? And our judgment was not very many, and I think we got that right."
He has obviously cracked and needs to be pulled like a rotted tooth.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
You got your YouTube, porn, breaking news, sports scores while on the can, chat and the like. The Web today kicks ass; that is until the pox known as LinkedIn got pooped on the collective floor of the Internet. For those of you that don't know what LinkedIn is, it essentially is a glorified web-based rolodex that reduces anyone with an account into a 7-year old socially retarded stamp collector.
Here's how it works: You build your account, put in where you've worked, and their database begins to notify you of work associates - past and present, you then can send them all a mass invitation to join your personal network, possibly enabling you to be a better networked individual who now has an easy communication channel with your peers. Slick, huh? Well, it seems that this service has metastasized into a game of dick swords where people are judged (even in job interviews) by the number of contacts in their network. So now you got jagoffs you barely knew in that company you worked at years ago, "inviting" you to join their network just to beef up their number. And when I say "inviting" I equate it to Jehovah Witnesses knocking on your door on a Saturday morning; just as annoying and just as helpful to your career.
Granted, it's a silent email that you don't have to respond to from someone you haven't laid eyes on since the Clinton Administration, but come on, what makes someone think I'm going to vouch for them or be a part of their "network" when they can't even pick up the phone or send me a real goddamn email?
So think twice people before you fire off an invitation to that person you saw walk past your cubicle twice in 1999. They might have an angry little blog and an overly developed penchant for social graces.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Many of you have heard about our dear friend and benevolent trading partner China making toys for Mattel with the added bonus of yummy lead paint flavoring and intestinal scrambling chiclet-sized magnets. But did you know about their fantastic rewards program for executives?
Well, it seems that the Chinese Santa's workshop from hell, Lee Der was ordered by the Chinese government to cease all manufacturing, causing a total loss to the company of around $30 million. Completely understandable considering the shame brought to the image of efficient inexpensive Chinese manufacturing and the rumor that China had in fact hired Michael Brown as their trade safety minister. But where this little story really goes off the rails is how the Lee Der factory manager, Zhang Shuhong, handled his on-the-job performance: he hanged himself in a warehouse - perhaps a little rash from an HR standpoint.
Obviously the Chinese have a lot to learn from us. For instance, in 1993 Jack in the Box killed four kids and made hundreds of people throughout the western United States sick as hell via e.coli contamination. None of the executives lost their jobs and the combination of nimble P.R. and a quick settlement of around $16 million with the promise that they'll do the patties well-done let everyone get on with their business. Tidy.
And look at our rotund gelatinous friend Karl Rove: divided a country with pernicious political strategies, decimated a political party to the point where presidential candidates avoid him at functions and was more than complicit in selling an expensive little dust-up in Iraq that has hurt a few people. I guess the point is, it's a good thing Karl or even a lot of his office buddies for that matter don't live in China considering the shame that they've brought this country; poor Zhang certainly wouldn't have been swinging in that warehouse alone. But thank goodness Karl lives in the U.S. so he can go on to make millions of dollars instead telling his side of the story. Tidy.
Oh why focus on the negative, he did help Mrs. Wilson get an early retirement from the CIA and that was awfully nice of him.
Monday, August 13, 2007
If we ever see your fat ass on the street we will show you a real "thumpin'" you cowardly conniving son of a bitch who has no regard for the constitution or respect for the people who still believe this country can heal after all of the Machiavellian mouse traps you constructed to put and keep your functionally illiterate puppet in power.
May your days from here on in grow dark and lonely - you deserve nothing less.
The Left, Right and everybody else you laughed at from on high
p.s. Sheryl Crow knows where you live
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Cerebral Itch is calling out to all fellow smart-asses to enter this contest. Can you freakin' imagine if one of us won this contest and got a chance to sit down with the lamest beard since Renate Blauel and chew the fat so to speak.
C'mon people, accept this challenge so we can all vicariously ride this train-wreck if the gods smile and one of us actually wins this.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Mr. Obama, Canadian President on line 7, and by "7" I mean the line specially reserved for boneheads
Okay, we know he's a smart guy and everything, but jeezus, this gaff from the AFL-CIO Democratic Forum puts him in the same league as the moron who sits in the office he wants:
Obama: I would immediately call the president of Mexico, the president of Canada to try to amend NAFTA
Canada, of course, has no president. It operates under a parliamentary system, and the head of government is the prime minister. Since February of last year that office has been held by Stephen Harper, leader of Canada's Conservative party.