Duncan Hunter: Ready to lead if anyone wants to follow him...anyone? hello? anyone?

So for political junkies, last night was a veritable banquet of presidential primary delights, okay, it was more like the crappy wilted spread at an old Souplantation, but nonetheless a lot was going on.

In Las Vegas the three democratic front runners or as we like to call them: the brutha, the mutha and the southenah took part in an NBC debate that was one part tea party and two parts passive aggressive bullshit throwing contest. Obama lost his edge and rambled like he got called on in class and had to fake it, Hillary actually looked like the iron maiden she wants everyone to think she is (boy, can that lady stare down an opponent) and Edwards was by far the most passionate and dare I say, sincere. On the Republican side, Cyborg Mitt Romney handily defeated John McCain in Michigan by nine percentage points using the memory of his beloved dead father, stacks of his own cash and ironically, hollow economic promises to a state that looks like an off-Broadway production of the Grapes of Wrath.

But the big news on this blog was how California Congressman Duncan Hunter scored a big fat goose egg. Not only did the intolerant windbag get essentially no votes, he was beaten by the "uncommitted" vote by 2% - that's gotta sting. When you get your ass kicked by people who can't decide in this political climate and would rather take a pass than vote for you; you might want to consider re-tooling your message or just get the hell out of the race. But what really brings a big smile to my face is that all of us who were going on about our lives, minding our business did just as well in the Michigan Primary as Congressman Hunter.

Makes you think who we all might tie with in the Academy Awards.

Republican Debate Wrap-Up

So the cracker band got back together for the CNN Republican Debates last night; here's the 10-second wrap-up:

McCain: Still pushing the fiasco known affectionately as the surge, but actually defibrillated his campaign last night by breaking away from his handlers in one special moment as he passionately defended Hispanic immigrants who contribute both in the private and military sectors. In a few key moments he went back to looking like the bad-ass old silver back gorilla protecting his harem you see in National Geographic documentaries.

Giuliani: Fear-mongering one-trick-pony who kept pushing his tired line of Democrats being on the defensive with terror. Hey weren't you the guy running through the streets of lower Manhattan on the morning of September 11th with your crooked police chief because the command center you demanded be stationed in the World Trade Center was a smoking pile of chalk? Yeah, I thought so. Plus, God took a whack at him with a lightning strike during an abortion question. Nature wins with an impeccable sense of comedic timing.

Romney: Smug, self-righteous, rehearsed and completely unable to be extemporaneous given the opportunity. This guy poops with a consultant. How I wish someone would've asked Mr. "Double [the size of] Guantanamo" about the Hamdan case being thrown out.

Thompson: What the hell is with your hair man?! Fire your stylist and start using real product and not henna and a fish comb to coif that pile of straw.

Tancredo: Bigot, Xenophobe and a little queenie if you ask me. Literally proposed shutting down the borders for an undetermined period of time for a "time-out" on all immigrants legal and illegal. Apparently he didn't finish his proposal concerning using the steel in the Statue of Liberty to build his border fence. His slogan should be "Vote Hate in 08".

Hunter: Likes nukes, hates Iranians, you do the math.

Brownback: Pious, goofy and states that we're the greatest country in the world because we value life. Oh, the reckless genocide and wanton destruction in places like Sweden.

Huckabee: Pious, goofy and states that we're the greatest country in the world because we value life. Oh, the reckless genocide and wanton destruction in places like Sweden. Seriously, not a typo; he and Brownback might as well get a room and make their love for all things 18th century official.

Paul: He described himself as a "Champion of the Constitution" and a lot of people clapped. Once again served as the sensible conservative sage who did not hesitate to call "bullshit" on his colleagues. Likened the Iraq strategy to a disease that was being improperly treated. Nice touch doctor.

Gilmore: The Chris Dodd of the GOP field

Fred Thompson: Boo!

Out of touch old white guys table for 10?...right this way - The Republican Presidential Debate re-cap

While the Democratic Presidential debate last week was mostly a mambo line of milquetoast liberals trying out their talking points while paso doble-ing on eggshells, (with great exception to Mike Gravel and Senator Joe Biden who both wore “pissed-off zany” like a bespoke suit) it addressed the need of listening to the ‘06 electorate and wilding on the functional illiterate currently playing Risk in the West Wing. But all in all, it was relatively harmless.

But last night’s Republican Presidential Debate could be billed as the scariest two-hours in television history since The Day After aired. Chris Matthews should’ve just started out the night by saying, “Gentlemen, tonight’s topics are intolerance, rejection of scientific fact, misplaced aggression due to phallic inadequacies and for extra credit, clumsily include multiple fawning and disingenuous references to Ronald Reagan into each of your answers– you have the floor."

As referenced earlier, people like Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich have their wingnut qualities, but when they take their medication; they speak truth to power. But because they’re loony in presentation, the voting public has kept them on a tight leash as not to do too much damage. On the other hand, The Republican field of last night had senators, congressmen and governors proclaiming beliefs that disregard women’s rights, gays and fourth-grade textbooks. Lucky for us, the Republican field can be nicely categorized if you’re keeping score at home:

Evangelical Christian Doofuses with pious smiles for miles
Governor Mike Huckabee and Governor Sam Brownback who both raised their bible-calloused hands when asked “who does not believe in evolution”; they also had the audacity to keep claiming throughout the night that “faith” should be “celebrated in the public square” and that it was their key decision-making tool. Not academics, legislative experience or management of exceptional and diverse counsel, but faith in a Christian God.
Fun Fact: Brownback defines himself as a social conservative and cites former Senator Jesse Helms as a model. Huckabee was a pastor of several Southern Baptist churches in Arkadelphia, Texarkana, and Pine Bluff, Arkansas - cue the banjo.

One-Trick-Pony moonbats who should be 8^th-grade shop teachers
California Rep. Duncan Hunter and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo both beat their cuckoo drums to death about military spending, immigration and building the Great Wall of Chicanos from California to Texas. Tancredo was also the third creationist jackass to raise his hand on the evolution question. Hunter looked like a drunken Rotarian guest-speaker spewing 50’s era talking points about China being the enemy and U.S. manufacturing needs government help to keep jobs. No Duncan, Intel makes great chips; GM makes shitty cars, how about we let the market decide and not the government Mr. Republican. Fun Fact: Duncan Hunter was a close friend of former congressman and uber-crook Duke Cunningham and Tancredo referred to Miami as a "third-world country"

Pandering wisps of vapor that will be Trivial Pursuit answers in 10 years
Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson both sucked-up to the base (as well as the ghost of Ronald Reagan) and delivered their lines exceptionally well with the glaring exception of Tommy Thompson when asked whether or not employers can essentially fire someone for being gay. For about three seconds you could see the sorry old bastard toss his conflicted soul from his body as he tacked to the conservative base and said that it was up to the employer to make that decision. Causing this viewer to rewind the Tivo to make sure I heard him right. It was an amazing moment of intolerance and sadness. Compounding this social tragedy was that none of the other candidates chimed in and stated that they live in the 21^st century and find Governor Thompson an homophobic idiot.

Smart guy we’ve never heard of who sounded most like a Buckley/Reagan Republican
Texas Rep. Ron Paul – Physician, libertarian, hates nation-building and thinks the current administration is money-drunk, dangerous big government cabal.

Front-runners (snort, snicker, bwah-ha-ha!)
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and Arizona Senator John McCain diverged last night in both opinion and passion. Giuliani broke from the ranks over saying he would not pursue overturning Roe v Wade and waffled on other social issues as not to alarm the party centrists (i.e. Schwarzenegger in the front row who he so desperately needs if he goes the distance). McCain was a fiery hawk who sounded like Khan at the end of Star Trek II with his “I’ll follow him [Osama Bin Laden] to the gates of hell” diatribe and then immediately smiled like the slow kid who is about to be rewarded with juice and crackers for getting his one line right in the Christmas play. Pandering to the base award-honorable mention goes to McCain for saying he believes in evolution but when he walks the Grand Canyon he can see the “hand of God”; really John, most of us see natural erosion of schist and limestone from a diminishing inland sea over millions of years and a once proud indigenous people who now need to build a plexi-glass walkway to help their communities survive Arizona winters. Way to go God.

We're back! Just like Sexy

We're back! Not tanned, not rested, but better humans for the experiences we enjoyed over the past week. From what friends and police records tell us, we cut a swath through life and took no prisoners all while wearing the same underwear we started with.

This whole sordid affair started at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. We were able to procure/appropriate/steal an invite and get seated at the same table as Sanjaya and his/her mother. And let me tell you, when Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and Sec'y of State, Condi Rice come up to shake the hand of that American Idol hermaphrodite rodeo clown, you have confirmation that birds now fly backwards and babies crap gold coins. By this point in the evening I needed to get properly numb and thanks to a couple of vicodin John Ashcroft's wife passed me in the foyer earlier, I was aces. Then, Rich Little took the stage. After an appropriately imposed 23-year absence from this particular function, the 70's era comedian and impressionist approached the dais and did an amazing impersonation of a has-been comedian sucking, crashing and burning. It was glorious. Let's face it, when Rich Little is the only talent you can scrape off the comedy shoe as not to offend, you know you got problems. Apparently I didn't keep my opinions to myself during Rich's performance and was summarily tossed from the room, dragged to the hotel kitchen and thrown in the massive refrigerator. I was interrogated amongst the rack of lamb and asparagus for about six hours by pissed off secret service spooks and then woke up wearing an orange jumpsuit in a Iowa corn field on Tuesday. Take note people, that's a f*ckin' weekend!

I knew I could get back to L.A. by calling up an old flame from college who helped me get through the rough spots financially speaking. Agnes was a very generous and attractive woman in an Elaine Stritch kind-of-way and she knew how to properly compensate young men who curried her favor. She was still living; in Des Moines, I needed plane fare and we'll leave it at that.

Once I arrived in L.A. I was going to stay with my old friend Kim Bassinger and her daughter, but apparently this was a bad time for them so I made other arrangements. I called my current employer, Representative and presidential candidate Duncan Hunter and asked if he could put me up in the "Duke Cunningham suite" at the Ritz-Carlton in Laguna; he made some calls and one town car and mini-bar later I was poolside. While lying there reading my green Vanity Fair I spotted Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds making out and dare say, petting in public. I politely asked them to get a goddamn room and they shot back "want to join us?". I was intrigued and thought about it a minute, but erred on the side of sanity when Ryan said I could be in charge of the camera and the raccoon. It was time to go home.

Tancredo pulls head out long enough to remove hat and throw it into '08 presidential ring

Throwing his hat in the ring today for the GOP presidential nomination was Representative Tom Tancredo (R-Colorado). Just to clarify, this action by Congressman Tancredo is the political equivalent of those best of the worst American Idol tryouts that end with tone-deaf ugly people leaving some nondescript Marriot in either tears or profanity. That's pretty much going to be this jackass in about six months.

Tancredo is best known for his ignorance and intolerance surrounding the immigration issue. That's about all this walking hate-stick has; that and less than a million dollars to try to pull his fantasy off. Here's a list of his best of, enjoy:

• Honorary Chairman of Americans Have Had Enough! a South Carolina pissy isolationist hate-club
• Called Miami a "Third World country" in a speech at Michigan State University
• Proposed bombing Mecca to send a message to the terrorists (then vehemently denied it and got caught lying on CNN - brilliant)

Oh yeah, and Tommy Thompson, former Wisconsin governor and Secretary of Health and Human Services under President Bush also declared his candidacy. Damn it, I just blew milk through my nose again.

Finally, some good news

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- In a serendipitous blending of technology and celebrity, it was determined through scientific means that no one truly gives a shit about Tori Spelling's new baby.

According to Spelling's publicist, the actress and her husband, actor Dean McDermott, welcomed 6-pound, 6-ounce Liam Aaron McDermott on Tuesday. Several hours later, Caltech spokeswoman Shiva Shabadoo, held a press conference to announce the results of a new device designed to scan search engine requests and the sympathetic karmic resonance energy of the general public. The results showed a near-flatline graph illustrating virtually no interest generated by the birth of the child; ranking just slightly below the Duncan Hunter presidential campaign.

When asked about the findings, Grandmother Candy Spelling commented, "A Spelling production hasn't had ratings this low since The Colbys; her father must be spinning in his grave". The couple will be starring later this spring in the reality series "Tori & Dean: Inn Love," on the Oxygen network. Shabadoo was asked if data had been gathered concerning the couple's upcoming series to which she replied, "We believe the device would only confirm what many of us already know, so we'll just save the electricity."