Saturday, September 19, 2009

Greatest Facebook Quote ever...from my mother

"Can't believe some of the silliness I see on the site from friends who i was glad to hear from, some I don't really care about - but now know why i didn't get in touch before. How do I get off of this site?"

Friday, September 11, 2009

Wednesday, September 09, 2009


This backward disruptive turd needs to hear from all of us.

Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)


To be filed under: "WTF!?"

As far as I'm concerned Facebook lost it's cool quotient a while back. But when Bruegger's Bagels can score 3,321 fans on their page complete with happy wall posts ("Rosemary & Olive Oil Bagels are the best!) by providing no redeeming content, it officially becomes reason 437,863 on why Facebook should be put down. Porn Star Facebook pages? sure. Politics? of course. I'll even tip my hat to some lame Twilight fan page; but goddamn bagels? That's just sick.

The only thing that brings me off the ledge is that there is a Facebook-killer out there somewhere on some geek's staging server ready to be funded or found that will go nova and kill everyone's favorite blue-hued time suck; and with it, goes Bruegger's...justice

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Behold America! I give you your new spokesmodel!

So there was a local end-of-summer event this evening near the new Cerebral Itch offices; it promised good food, entertainment and fireworks. The venue is new and quite fetching. The Cerebral Itch family thought this lovely warm September evening would be a wonderful opportunity to venture out, be part of the community and risk some H1N1.

Well, it turned out to be an overcrowded fire marshal-hatin' cluster fuck of families and slow-moving food and beer lines. On the first recon lap of the joint, in a vain effort to try to find a place to sit, I come across the above family. I feign taking a picture of the building behind them so I can quickly drop the iPhone and snap a picture of this brood.

Now mind you, their appearance sadly was not all that different from a great majority of the people in attendance. What was so gripping about the scene was their absolute lack of self-awareness. Here they were in the middle of hundreds of people at dusk, still in their swimsuits, beached on concrete waiting for the band and the fireworks.


After the shallow and obvious comedy of the scene abated, the image of the boy stayed with me. I immediately saw him as a phenomenally accurate metaphor for our country right at this moment: Pubescent, fat, generally not that swift and shrouded in the flag in order to cover up shortcomings.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Okay Barry, let's get something straight here...

I watched you in 2004 give that historic speech at the Democratic National Convention and agreed with the pundits that this young chap from Chicago may have a shot at higher office. I defended your victory in Iowa as more than a fluke and went all in and declared you to be a harbinger of things to come. I stood in 95 degree desert heat for four hours to see you and be part of a movement that endeavored to wrest this county back from an administration that had an agenda different from the dimension I lived in. I shed a tear that November night it was declared that you were the first on so many levels. The iconic poster emblazoned with "HOPE" still hangs in my office. My story is so common; shared by so many others who agonized on that long two year road that you might not make it. But damn it, you did. And the world smiled. Okay Alaska and Wyoming didn't, but everyone else did.

So many problems, so many fires to extinguish. I thought surely this will be daunting but well within the wheelhouse of Obama, Axelrod, Plouffe, Emanuel and Biden. They beat back Hillary and the GOP for God sake. But instead, seven months golf.

Your policies are half-measures and compromises. Nothing smacks of a moon shot or cancer cure. I was ready to match my grandparents and give up silk stockings and steak for the cause. I was ready to do whatever was necessary to foment the lightning in a bottle of a senate majority and political capital not seen since FDR's third term. But yet, you flitter it away.

Ironically, your team branded politics. You made it fashionable. Most people bought posters and t-shirts of you not out of ideology, but a desire to be cool. You beat the Limbaughs, Becks and Bachmans back into the shadows and lighted the way for the secular and educated. But now, people either fall asleep or brandish weapons at anachronistic town hall meetings.

You disappoint me Mr. President.

Quit smiling. quit waving, quit golfing and quit looking like you're having so much goddamn fun being the President. Start continually reminding the obtuse Republicans literally who's boss. Tell Pelosi and that cadaver Reid to get in line or get the hell out of the way. Give us something bold. Cash for Clunkers is not a legacy. One term is a stigma and organic gardens are punchlines.

Quite frankly sir, we weren't hoping for this.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Cerebral Itch now makes "Bitter" e-cards - Yeah, we know, "what a stretch"

One recession-soaked morning we had finally had enough. And, instead of shooting up a public gathering place we decided to channel our angst into the well-worn medium of e-cards. There's 12 of them and frankly they're hilarious if you like jokes about suicide, Jesus, barricaded snipers and Obama's innate ability to piss away a senate majority. Okay, we've said too much; just go check them out here.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

The "Scotch Korean" Starburst Commercial

If any of you think you're funny, watch this and realize just how far you have to go up the funny ladder to get close to the pinnacle of hilarity this Starburst commercial achieves.