Dearest Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad,
It is with profound joy that I address your sagacious readership.
I have been looking forward to penning this letter due to the fact that your "web-log" allows me a certain degree of candor concerning my recent trip to your wonderful country. The pageantry and historical significance of this trip is not lost on I nor the Duke of Edinburgh, but I must say that your President leaves a great deal to be desired.
Mr. Bush strikes me as a bit of an inbred troglodyte. Never before have I been so insulted by lax manners and presentation. You poor people literally have an old chav running your country. Prince Phillip remarked that Mrs. Bush fares no better when engaged in conversation. Once one strays from the synopses of children's books the woman has very little command of all things elevated. I too found her to be bereft of anything becoming a first lady and I've met my share. Her mother-in-law is a close second on the "rough around the edges" list, but at least she knows how to emasculate her husband and I can respect that.
I must say that I came very close to cutting my trip short after the Jamestown ceremony with your Vice-President; a true bore. He is nothing more than an angry fat man who reminded me of Churchill in his final days. Although Churchill could tell a ribald titty joke and get the help in a fit of laughter. Dear me, I am so enjoying this letter; it is allowing me much-needed catharsis and I thank you for that.
I mean honestly, who winks at the Queen of England? I'll tell you who, your cowboy President after he clumsily insulted me by adding 200 years to my age. I would like it to be known that I employ people who could make things very difficult for him after 2008. Lest not forget that I still do run to the Illuminati. No one, and I mean no one (well, maybe Daniel Craig) gets to wink at me. I dare say, if he had pulled that with Golda Meir you would all be learning how to say President Pelosi this morning. Angela Merkel still calls me and complains that she can't scrub off the "bad touch" of the President's famous G8 back rub. My deepest sympathies to you all.
In closing, my eternal gratitude to your editor, Mr. Paul Chamberlain for allowing me to address you and great thanks for the gift of Cerebral Itch Greeting cards. The "Dead Relatives can see you humping" card is my favourite for obvious historical reasons.
HM The Queen
HRH The Duchess of Edinburgh
HRH The Princess Elizabeth
HRH Princess Elizabeth of York