Friday, May 25, 2007

10 damn good reasons to drink yourself deaf, dumb and blind this Memorial Day weekend

One of the fortuitous things about penning a blog these days is the seemingly bottomless font of news and pop-culture detritus that you can swim in and skewer to your heart's content. But then you have weeks like the one we just had, where the steady rain of news becomes a shit storm of biblical proportions causing you to collapse on the floor like an epileptic kid in front of the wall of televisions at Best Buy. So in order to keep our mood hovering just slightly above suicidal, we thought we'd punt and put together a list of things that justify a weekend booze run that looks like you're buying cases of water before a hurricane.

  1. Currently having impure thoughts about providing Monica Goodling "comfort" if you know what I'm saying
  2. The promise: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" pretty much getting lost in a bureaucratic circle-jerk usually reserved for half-assed wars and healthcare
  3. That you actually thought the gasbag pussies also known as the 110th United States Congress would've done what the majority of the electorate wanted and not be slaves to their own calculating machinations of byzantine political cowardice
  4. Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's End making more money this weekend than an average sampling of 50 school districts get budgeted collectively in a year
  5. That these people will be enjoying a holiday weekend that honors our fallen with their family and friends: Douglas Feith, General Tommy Franks, Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, George Tenet, Condoleeza Rice, Paul Bremer
  6. That these people will not
  7. If you spent as much on a date as you will filling up your car; you might've gotten laid more
  8. Heroes is over
  9. That we have a president that wipes bird poop off of his jacket with his own finger
  10. Paris Hilton's sentence may be reduced
CHEERS! And feel free to add some of your own in the comments.

1 comment:

Sharon said...

This does make me want to put my mouth under the optic, but #6 is so sobering I’ll stick to tap water..fcuk..a sign of the times I mean Evian.