Monday, January 28, 2008

Man, can Rudy polish a turd or what?

I have seen some spin in my life but this borders on the satirical. Hell, scratch that, this commercial is pure satire. The man's an idiot.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Fantasy Obit: John Gibson

Every so often stupidity marries evil and the results are broadcast for all to see or hear. John Gibson, co-host of the Big Story on Fox News is a product of such a union. This moronic piece of filth let loose on his radio show Monday night hours after Heath Ledger was found dead, with a show opening that included the funeral march being played as well as Ledger's oft-heard Brokeback Mountain line "I wish I knew how to quit ya'". To which Gibson followed, “Well, he found out how to quit you.” Gibson continued in his show to make unfounded accusations about Ledger concerning drug use and suicide. If you care to soil your eyeballs with more of this ugly douchebag's vitriol click here to see how he embraces minorities.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bigfoot gets booked a gig on Mars

The intriguing image was captured by Nasa’s six-wheeled robot explorer Spirit during its three-month mission to study the surface of the Red Planet.

Snapped at the rock-strewn Gusev Crater, believed by scientists to be the bed of an ancient lake, the grainy picture appears to show a Bigfoot-style alien creature strolling casually down a hill.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Financial markets are a lot like life, just listen to Cesar Romero

In light of global financial panic and today's rocky start on Wall Street, we thought it only appropriate that we get some perspective through the soothing timbre of Cesar Romero.
{thanks April}

Monday, January 21, 2008

Martin Luther King: "I have a dream"

We all just need to be quiet for a moment and listen.

Rudy Giuliani: betcha by Super Tuesday he's got plugs and pec implants

We say, "what good are blogs if you can't spread unsubstantiated rumors and perpetuate heresay?"; but the political editorial staff here at Cerebral Itch really believe they're on to something: Rudy's had work done while in Florida!

Yesterday morning, Former New York mayor and philanderer, Rudy Giuliani appeared on This Week with George Stephanopoulos trying desperately to dispel the informed consensus that his campaign is in the crapper and that Super Duper Tuesday is going to be a super duper nail in his super duper coffin. But all while doing that, we were all drawn to the fact that Rudy's eyes looked a little too radiant. Fact: you do not get up on a Sunday morning for an 8am east coast remote live feed and have flawless eyes; especially when you're 63, a weathered political hack and cancer survivor. So we're on record saying Rudy's had an eye lift. I suppose kudos should be given to the fact that he didn't use Burt Reynolds doctor.

On Notice: Peggy Noonan and Bill Clinton

We almost pulled our bi-partisan muscle this morning putting these two up on the same post. Former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan and former president Bill Clinton may come from opposite sides of the political spectrum, but they share a cozy nook in the annoying pinhead cafe of public spectacle. Noonan, who is best known for crafting some of Reagan's best speeches (Boys of Point Du Hoc, the national address on the Challenger disaster and also coined the phrase, "kinder, gentler nation" for old man Bush) is showing up more and more bringing her perfectly parsed articulate brand of disconnected cornball bullshit to the pundit circuit. She is the only woman who can make flawless elocution tantamount to smacking gum or talking on a cellphone in a restaurant.

And Bill, angry pissy Bill. The former president has been a grade-a asshole throughout this primary season, sowing seeds of discontent amongst the electorate and allowing out-sourced campaign tactics (i.e. push-polling that uses Senator Obama's full name repeatedly) that would have Karl Rove buying him lap dances if they were hanging out at a strip joint together. I wish I could take credit for it, but Katrina vanden Heuvel of the The Nation quoted a source within the Clinton campaign calling him a "little league dad having a temper tantrum". The always wonderfully dry George Will referred to him as an "olympic class whiner"and his campaign Tourettes as a "metabolic urge" - perfect.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

In Memoriam: Suzanne Pleshette and Allan Melvin

Classic television took a big hit last night by losing two of the most recognizable better halves in the pantheon of 70's sitcoms: Suzanne Pleshette and Allan Melvin. Both passed away quietly last night in different parts of Los Angeles but thankfully for us Emily Hartley, wife of Bob from The Bob Newhart Show and Sam the butcher, Alice's boyfriend from The Brady Bunch will live on in pop culture's version of the eternal flame - reruns.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Tom Cruise is Batshit or Sometimes this blog just writes itself

Forget the couch jumping or being on the verge of bitch-slapping Matt Lauer or even the creepy abduction and androgynous makeover of Katie Holmes. Forget all that. Give this man the benefit of the doubt. Clear your mind of any preconceived notions that you may have of Tom Cruise and his selfless devotion to extracurricular activities involving the legacy of a certain dead science-fiction writer. Now that you've done that, watch this video and be reminded why you originally thought this man was totally f@ckin' cuckoo and really needs to be squirreled away in a padded bunker so he can prepare for his alien invasion.

One more point, before some Über-liberal star chaser or Tiger Beat subscriber smacks this author with a religious persecution rap. I want to illuminate that there needs to be a little more intellectual gravitas behind Scientology before I stop looking at it sideways. A "religion" that has academics like John Travolta, Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Alley behind it is not all that convincing. The day Stephen Hawking drops a copy of Dianetics on the way to his office at Oxford is the day I might stop crossing my eyes and twirling my index finger next to my temple when I talk about Scientology.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Top 10 Reasons to vote for Mike Huckabee

Presidential candidates are nothing more than the epitome of insincerity and subterfuge. They're festooned in poll-driven talking-points and surround themselves with sycophants and operatives who want nothing more than to feather their own nests through association. But this year, we have been blessed. As if the prayers of the faithful have been answered. A candidate has risen from the muck who not only lives his beliefs, but campaigns only on those beliefs. A man so resolute in his Christian devotion that he chooses not to saddled with superfluous and noisy distractions like science, logic and constitutional law. Mike Huckabee is such a man. Cerebral Itch has compiled a list of 10 compelling reasons why you should vote for Mike Huckabee. If you do not agree with those reasons you are more than welcome to vote for that Muslim Negro boy or the godless lesbian. Either way your soul will be prayed for. Now, onto the list:

  1. Mike Huckabee wants to amend the United States Constitution to "fit God's standards"
  2. Mike Huckabee has hired forward-thinking James Pinkerton as a senior adviser for policy and strategic messaging. Pinkerton once suggested "put a cop in front of every mosque until I was completely satisfied nothing was going on there". He obviously cares for our well-being.
  3. Mike Huckabee does not believe in evolution
  4. Mike Huckabee enjoys the support of Chuck Norris
  5. He is a bass player in a rock band that has opened for Willie Nelson and Grand Funk Railroad
  6. Mike Huckabee vows to send all 12 million illegal immigrants back home
  7. Mike Huckabee has been morbidly obese and lost weight - just like those fine folks on the TV
  8. Mike Huckabee has ingrained true Christian beliefs in his son (or at least tried to until the whole dog hanging and handgun thing came about)
  9. Mike Huckabee's wife, Janet can lift cars and shaves with broken glass
  10. Mike Huckabee is an ordained Southern Baptist Minister from Arkansas- need we say more!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Duncan Hunter: Ready to lead if anyone wants to follow him...anyone? hello? anyone?

So for political junkies, last night was a veritable banquet of presidential primary delights, okay, it was more like the crappy wilted spread at an old Souplantation, but nonetheless a lot was going on.

In Las Vegas the three democratic front runners or as we like to call them: the brutha, the mutha and the southenah took part in an NBC debate that was one part tea party and two parts passive aggressive bullshit throwing contest. Obama lost his edge and rambled like he got called on in class and had to fake it, Hillary actually looked like the iron maiden she wants everyone to think she is (boy, can that lady stare down an opponent) and Edwards was by far the most passionate and dare I say, sincere. On the Republican side, Cyborg Mitt Romney handily defeated John McCain in Michigan by nine percentage points using the memory of his beloved dead father, stacks of his own cash and ironically, hollow economic promises to a state that looks like an off-Broadway production of the Grapes of Wrath.

But the big news on this blog was how California Congressman Duncan Hunter scored a big fat goose egg. Not only did the intolerant windbag get essentially no votes, he was beaten by the "uncommitted" vote by 2% - that's gotta sting. When you get your ass kicked by people who can't decide in this political climate and would rather take a pass than vote for you; you might want to consider re-tooling your message or just get the hell out of the race. But what really brings a big smile to my face is that all of us who were going on about our lives, minding our business did just as well in the Michigan Primary as Congressman Hunter.

Makes you think who we all might tie with in the Academy Awards.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

MacBook Air: Okay now you guys are just piling on

Once again Jobs and his minions reduce CES to a noisy little swap meet up in Las Vegas with another MacWorld product debut that's a solid kick in the nuts to the rest of the consumer electronic vertical. The MacBook Air debuted this morning and it looks like another home run for Apple. The commercial has the laptop being taken out of a manila envelope to profoundly emphasize the unprecedented lithe profile. It's a little more than 3/4" thick at it's fattest point and weighs about three pounds.

I suppose we're now going to have to put up with countless stupid references by the media to supermodel thin-ness and crap like "if Kate Moss (or insert the name of whoever's clavicle is visible) was a laptop...blah, blah, blah". All said, it's not hard to imagine sitting in a coffee house typing away at this sucker while talking on your iPhone should, no scratch that, will get you laid.

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Smurfs turn 50 today and as a result,
peace reigns throughout the world

You got your chocolate, your waffles and Smurfs. Well Belgium, two out of three ain't bad.

the impish blue-skinned little people that annoyed the world during the 80's are half a century old and looking to make a comeback. Apparently in the form of a CGI-movie, remastered DVD's and all sorts of other crap merchandise that will lead more children to like something that involves an entire community of little giddy blue men enjoying the company of one little flaxen haired blue female who is probably always carrying a shiv and constantly looking over her shoulder.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Newt Gingrich: Champion of the voices in his head as long as they're English speaking voices

This morning on This Week with George Stephanopoulos was all quite even-keeled. Senator John Kerry gave a surprisingly impassioned (and succinct - I know, shocking) defense of his endorsement for Barack Obama. The round table discussion with George Will and peers wasn't necessarily thrilling (at least Donna Brazile wasn't there) but lodged in between those two segments was Former House Speaker, Newt Gingrich, who came on to opine about New Hampshire upsets, the presidential race in general and sell his new book.

As usual, Newt tried to cast himself as the arbiter of progress between the two parties and the masses he apparently knows so well. All well and good, but when you blow the first question given to you on how to foment change with such stupidity and disconnect you have to wonder whether or not a CAT scan is in order. It was an answer so ludicrous I had to hear it again; that is after my spit take. So I put down the cereal, grabbed the remote and rewound the DVR to see if I heard this arrogant douchebag right (read the whole thing - the setup is priceless considering the answer he gives):

George: Mr. Speaker what kind of change are you talking about there that you're calling on the president to enact?

Newt: Look, I think there are dramatic changes we need in this country, The votes in both Iowa and New Hampshire were overwhelming endorsements of change in both parties and I think a State of the Union that got up and said here are 10 or 12 or 15 things that we could do together in the next 90 days and challenge...after all you've got Senator McCain, Senator Obama, Senator Clinton; it would be useful to challenge both parties in the House and Senate to respond to the American people.

George: To do what?

Newt: Well, we produced a platform of {sic} the American people at American Solutions (editor's note: American Solutions is the conservative think-tank Newt runs) and it's at the back of our book, Real Change and it's also on Every single item on the list has the majority of democrats, majority of republicans and majority of independents favoring. The easiest one is making English the official language of government.

Yep, after a pragmatic populist intro and a somewhat clumsy plug for his book/foundation he lets loose with a verbal pair of deuces: making English the official language of government. Forget a looming recession (as George pointed out in the following question), the war, the environment, education, even a freakin' trip to Mars! But to pander to the anti-immigrant base and what, fight the good fight saving printing costs on bilingual government forms?

So the political calculus we're left with surrounding Mr. Gingrich is this: he holds no political office, fancies himself a "kingmaker", his supporters are out of touch angry males sharing the same ethnic yet considerably less socio-economic makeup as he and his fat ass gets yanked out of his Barcolounger every time the media wants an "authority" who does nothing more than rest on his laurels to sell his own brand...Holy Crap! Newt Gingrich is the white Al Sharpton!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Karl Rove is back! Not tanned, still fat and doing what he does best: scaring people

Former deputy chief of staff to President George W. Bush and pudgy spawn belched from the hermaphroditic skin-fold of a satanic underling, Karl Rove - decided sloth was not going to be one of his usual favorite seven deadly sins this past weekend and wrote an op-ed piece for the newly soiled Wall Street Journal. In this tidy little missive, he gives the reader his take on why Senator Clinton grabbed New Hampshire from the maw of rampant Obama-friendly prognostication.

At first glance it reads as a back-handed endorsement for the former first lady. He gives four fabulous reasons why she won and why she is the superior candidate. Which is understandable when one realizes that Karl goes all a-twitter thinking about pitting a candidate against the most politically galvanizing force for Republicans since Communism or for that matter, the SUV tax credit. But nestled in his musings are some of the most sublime racist comments one could make without being beat with a brick in a dark parking structure. Granted, the majority of the Wall Street Journal editorial page readership is not going to rise up and demand that this man be asked just what he meant by saying the following things about the junior senator from Illinois:

"He is often lazy"

"His trash talking was an unattractive carryover from his days playing pickup basketball at Harvard"

"Mr. Obama chose soaring rhetoric and inspirational rallies. While his speeches galvanized true believers at his events, his words were neither filling nor sustaining for New Hampshire Democrats concerned about the Clintons and looking for a substantive alternative"

Granted, taking 25 words out of 1,312 minus their contextual placement is somewhat dubious (plus, white men can also be called lazy; see Fred Thompson), but when you take into consideration the malevolent genius of Karl Rove - The god damned Johnny Appleseed of fear - harvesting and understand that the higher echelon of the Republican base is being spoon-fed a concoction that consists of a feminist-socialist lesbian wife of a shill president or a lazy, jive-talking, b-ball playing huckster boy politician from Chicago. Too harsh? Lest we forget the now legendary story of how he smirked and then looked the other way in 2000 when "push-pollers" began calling voters in South Carolina asking them how they felt that John McCain had a black child out of wedlock (the fuel for this fire? John and Cindy McCain adopted a child from Bangladesh).

Rove's ability to triangulate issues and interweave them with subtle strereotypical imagery would be fun to read if it was fiction. Unfortunately in real life, the fat master has stirred and is testing the waters to see if his style of politics still plays. Rest assured, if Clinton surges in the run-up to Super Tuesday and begins to secure the nomination, Rove will breathe a sigh of relief that he doesn't have to go up against the lazy basketball player that has a good chunk of the nation on their feet screaming and hoping for change.

Postscript: Microsoft might want to get on this mucho pronto

You'd think after Iowa, someone in Redmond would've put a software patch for the Microsoft Word spell checker on the fast track. If you always thought Steve Ballmer came off like a horse's ass, god help him if Obama gets elected.

Monday, January 07, 2008

We're slowly making our way back