"Elitist" my ass

Let's see, he eloquently ripped the veil off of racism on live television and displayed it to the nation; annunciated how it's been percolating on both sides beneath political correctness for the past 30-odd years. And now, in a rather clumsy off-the-cuff statement, he's getting labeled an "elitist" by opponents for facts that the actual people he refers to admit freely. There's a certain glimpse one can get at another's character when they don't shy away from calling bullshit on their detractors. Especially when those detractors own eight homes, fly on corporate jets and have difficulty sourcing millions of dollars stated on tax returns, yet still claim to be simple down home gun-totin' Christian folk fightin' for the little man.



With that said, Cerebral Itch has some special edition t-shirts on the drawing boards. Let us know which one you would wear. If enough of you like a particular one, we'll go to print with it next week.

You know where we stand, where do you?

Stories from the Future: Crazy Clinton Campaign Continues to Careen in 2022

DATELINE: March 28, 2022 - It has been six years since the celebrated Obama presidency ended, but former first lady and New York Senator Hillary Clinton still continues her campaign for the 2008 United States presidency.

Clad in one of her three faded trademark pantsuits looking all her 74 years and driving her own illegal petroleum fuel burning campaign bus, Mrs. Clinton can be found in one of three places, none of which are home: Michigan, Ohio and New Hampshire. They are the three corners of the sad trek of a woman who just can't face the facts that her presidential aspirations ended in the Spring of '08. It was when then-Senator Barack Obama made quick work of her in the remaining primaries as well as received the overwhelming endorsement from the majority of Super Delegates and Democratic party elders. Clinton refused to relent and campaigned throughout the remainder of the election season drawing smaller and smaller crowds in each city she visited. Her staff completely abandoned her by June of that year and Clinton was quickly forced to administer all facets of a quixotic presidential campaign. Her 2008 campaign was capped by her disorderly conduct arrest during the first Obama inauguration resulting in her forced resignation of her senate seat. Her campaign to this day is financed by minuscule donations (rumors persist that certain late-night talk shows are funding her campaign just for material) and revenue generated by online merchandise sales bearing her self-deprecating slogan "Hillary - Crazy for the presidency".

It's a sad sight to those who remember how the former Senator was a force to be reckoned with on issues debated on the senate floor. Once a stalwart crusader for universal healthcare and working class families; Clinton will be remembered for her canned insincerity, vindictive campaigning and grandiose embellishments of her executive record while First Lady. The negatives quickly sank a campaign that in 2007 brandished the veneer of inevitability.

Today at a "rally" in a Lansing, Michigan Best Western conference room, Clinton spoke to 17 people with a voice that is hardly tired but completely shrill, continuing to push for the 2008 Michigan and Florida primary votes to be counted claiming they overwhelmingly favored her and reminding people of her Ohio and New Hampshire comeback victories of that same race. Needless to say, there are still Clinton "supporters" that come to her rallies. Usually never more than 20 people at each event, the attendees mostly consist of sincere older white women who still wish to see her or any woman in the White House and college students who consider being part of a Hillary rally a must-do on any spring break road trip. "She's out of her mind and it's hilarious!" Said Seth Gutierrez, Michigan State University freshman. "My parents would tell me stories of her time as First Lady and senator which I can't believe when I see her on stage singing the National Anthem and claiming she's fighting for me - you can't buy that kind of crazy from a pill".

Ironically, after the first Obama inauguration, it was former President Bill Clinton who left her in divorce citing irreconcilable differences. Many believe it should have been she who left him after the Monica Lewinsky affair, but she stayed married in what others also believe, was a calculated political play for her own presidency. The former President now lives out his golden years in Martha's Vineyard with supermodel and fifth wife, 23 year old Ava Elizabeth, daughter of Academy Award winning actors Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe. Estranged daughter and US Representative (NY - dist.14), Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky could not be reached for comment.

As the glare from the afternoon grows dim, so does the fire in her eyes as she tiredly hobbles into her ramshackle bus, angrily waving off any assistance. She claims that she's headed to Florida to lobby the state legislature for a new primary. This reporter didn't have the heart to tell her Florida no longer exists and that it's now the largest man-made reef in the world ever since the 2017 catastrophic global warm-up that submerged a majority of the gulf cities. Details like that don't deter a clinically insane woman who will let her detractors call her many things, except a loser and a quitter.

Marriage of Convenience

Pat Robertson claims his endorsement of Mayor Rudy Giuliani is one of faith and fellowship in a man who understands that the greatest threat to America is Islamic Radicalism. Well Pat, we call bullshit on you and your house of televised crazy over there at CBN. With that said, Pat really couldn't admit that the religious right is in a tailspin and instead of being a muscular and retarded gorilla forcing Republican candidates and red state voters into a bent over position, that they are now a stomped-on ant hill of believers who need to bet on the best GOP horse to win so they can limp into an inaugural ball, stop the bleeding and focus on 2012.

Pat is a miserable little cretin who spouts the antithesis of Christianity festooned in the most sinister of amalgam visages: politico-Christianity. In August of 2006, he obviously felt it was prudent to rub out Hugo Chavez. An equally crazy moron who would be rendered impotent if we stopped buying his oil (the Chinese however would buy oil from the Nazis - see Sudan). Might I cite the sixth commandment as laid out in Exodus 20: Thou Shalt Not Kill. Color me confused, but that appears to be somewhat contradictory. Pat spouted that 9-11 was brought on by America's coddling of abortionists and gays. He also said Ariel Sharon's stroke was the result of his relinquishing portions of Gaza. The hits keep on coming from his tiny intolerant brain; all too many to list here for free.

But back to Rudy: Sleep well whore.

If the gods look the other way and he is elected, was selling out the Supreme Court worth the price for Pat's pat? Or perhaps, promising to give the Israelis an inordinate amount of help to further destabilize the region and bring about end times worth having the pre-primary support of this wrinkled turd?

Does anyone really care? We live in a world that is bigger than Rudy and Pat. One where an Islamic nation with nuclear warheads is about to devolve into anarchy, one where a frighteningly significant portion of the American people see water boarding as an acceptable war-time practice, where super models and rappers are structuring contracts so they're no longer paid in American dollars and where more than two remaining presidential candidates do not believe in evolution.

Simply, it's the world that now powers the grave spinning machine for Orwell, Vonnegut, Wells, Jefferson, Eisenhower, Franklin, Paine, de Tocqueville, Lincoln, et al. It's quite sad really - we had a good run in the 20th Century; one would've thought we might have known how to keep that party going.

I'll see your Thompson and raise you a Bloomberg

The '08 campaign malaise that the pundits have been promising for months appears to have arrived. Obama can't knock that sense of entitlement smirk off Hillary's face and GOP broken leg warhorse McCain will be lunching with his historical bridesmaid doppelgängers Dewey, Goldwater and Humphrey when he takes up residence in heaven. It's beginning to get sad.

Apparently one of the symptoms of this malaise manifested itself in the adoration of one Fred Thompson. This brings to mind the classic Ancient Mariner quote: “Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink”. The Republican base is so desperate and indifferent to the current cast of phalluses that they'll drink in this actor/lobbyist/shill much to their peril. The Democrats reek of the same desperation except they'll hold off from drinking salt water because they see fresh water in the form of Al Gore on the horizon.

Add one more savior-to-be to the list: New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. In a recent appearance at the Google campus he let loose on Washington D.C. and did not mince words concerning the state of the union. “Really in trouble" is how he sees the US and its perception abroad. And who can disagree? Well, apparently 19% according to the latest poll, but then again those people are just plain giddy right now since the Creation Museum opened. Bloomberg is starting to be looked at very closely by the media and so far they like what they see. He's a self-made billionaire, doesn't give a rat's ass about Washington and is socially liberal. Oh, and he's got an approval rating of 74% in one of the toughest and richest cities in the world that continues to strengthen.

We've dreamt of people who might do well in the Oval Office and make us feel like we'd have a better shot at the future (Kennedy, Cuomo, and Powell) only to be disappointed and left to vote for the lesser of evils. Bloomberg has an impressive private and public sector record that may be the fresh water educated centrist libertarians so crave. Could Bloomberg be a potential independent candidate? Possibly. Qualified? Undoubtedly.

Wait, I forgot about Evangelical Christians and the Electoral College. Forget everything I've just said.

Richardson's got my vote

Please take a look at these hilarious ads and just savor the irony and brilliance contained in them. The look on Richardson's face at the beginning of the first ad, sums up perfectly a centrist's sentiment when perusing the other presidential candidates. You really have to examine a candidate who does not rely on pandering, scare tactics and obfuscation, but their own impressive (and germane) record buttressed by an impeccable sense of comedic timing.

Hi everybody, it's Saturday! Sing along!

Cerebral Itch presents
a salute to the 2008 Presidential Candidates

Do You Like Waffles?

"A very polished performer"

Yesterday, Mitt Romney was on ThisWeek with George Stephanopoulos and let me tell you, this guy is slicker than goose shit sliding down a tin horn. He's handsome, devout, married to a beautiful wife who has given him five strapping sons and he's had both a very lucrative private career and successful public career. He looks like he was plucked from central casting for a movie about the President. Except this movie is about the perfect president who at night slips away to the confines of a secret lab where his face plate is popped open and his circuitry and programming are modified.

One of my first choices for "fantasy dinner guest"; George Will, coolly dismissed Romney as a "very polished performer"; high praise indeed. In 2006 Romney got all his ducks in a row to run for president. He changed his views on abortion (then: pro-choice/now: pro-life), signed on for a life-long membership in the NRA and shuffled away from his earlier support of gay rights distancing him from any position that could offend the conservative base. It was recently reported in the Miami Herald that he was heckled at a campaign appearance by a man who accused him of being a "pretender" and "not knowing the Lord". Romney responded "One of the great things about this land is that we have people of different faiths and different religions, but we need to have a person of faith lead the country.'' The audience gave him a standing ovation. Case in point: the content of his answers to divisive questions are frighteningly calculated for a specific audience. One of the more revealing portions of his interview with George Stephanopoulos concerned gays in the military:

Stephanopoulos: That current policy [Don't Ask, Don't Tell] labels homosexuality as a defect. Is that what you believe?

Mitt Romney: You know, I'm not going to suggest that I'm in any way a psychologist. That's a decision a psychologist would have to tell you and I'm not going to weigh in on that.

Granted, this is not an election issue, but it speaks volumes about a man running for president in the 21st century. The fact that he will not "weigh in" by declaring the Department of Defense's definition of homosexuality as medieval is repugnant and that you need a "psychologist" to make a determination on gayness is ludicrous as well. Take a look at the interview or better yet, read the transcript. It's an illuminating look at a candidate who appears to be changing tack to catch the hot air of far right social conservatives.

Oh yeah, and now McCain wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Are the Republicans so hell bent on giving it away to the Democrats in '08 that Giuliani the only choice for centrists, much less secular libertarians? Okay, now back to the comedy.