Friday, May 04, 2007

Out of touch old white guys table for 10?...right this way - The Republican Presidential Debate re-cap

While the Democratic Presidential debate last week was mostly a mambo line of milquetoast liberals trying out their talking points while paso doble-ing on eggshells, (with great exception to Mike Gravel and Senator Joe Biden who both wore “pissed-off zany” like a bespoke suit) it addressed the need of listening to the ‘06 electorate and wilding on the functional illiterate currently playing Risk in the West Wing. But all in all, it was relatively harmless.

But last night’s Republican Presidential Debate could be billed as the scariest two-hours in television history since The Day After aired. Chris Matthews should’ve just started out the night by saying, “Gentlemen, tonight’s topics are intolerance, rejection of scientific fact, misplaced aggression due to phallic inadequacies and for extra credit, clumsily include multiple fawning and disingenuous references to Ronald Reagan into each of your answers– you have the floor."

As referenced earlier, people like Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich have their wingnut qualities, but when they take their medication; they speak truth to power. But because they’re loony in presentation, the voting public has kept them on a tight leash as not to do too much damage. On the other hand, The Republican field of last night had senators, congressmen and governors proclaiming beliefs that disregard women’s rights, gays and fourth-grade textbooks. Lucky for us, the Republican field can be nicely categorized if you’re keeping score at home:

Evangelical Christian Doofuses with pious smiles for miles
Governor Mike Huckabee and Governor Sam Brownback who both raised their bible-calloused hands when asked “who does not believe in evolution”; they also had the audacity to keep claiming throughout the night that “faith” should be “celebrated in the public square” and that it was their key decision-making tool. Not academics, legislative experience or management of exceptional and diverse counsel, but faith in a Christian God.
Fun Fact: Brownback defines himself as a social conservative and cites former Senator Jesse Helms as a model. Huckabee was a pastor of several Southern Baptist churches in Arkadelphia, Texarkana, and Pine Bluff, Arkansas - cue the banjo.

One-Trick-Pony moonbats who should be 8th-grade shop teachers
California Rep. Duncan Hunter and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo both beat their cuckoo drums to death about military spending, immigration and building the Great Wall of Chicanos from California to Texas. Tancredo was also the third creationist jackass to raise his hand on the evolution question. Hunter looked like a drunken Rotarian guest-speaker spewing 50’s era talking points about China being the enemy and U.S. manufacturing needs government help to keep jobs. No Duncan, Intel makes great chips; GM makes shitty cars, how about we let the market decide and not the government Mr. Republican. Fun Fact: Duncan Hunter was a close friend of former congressman and uber-crook Duke Cunningham and Tancredo referred to Miami as a "third-world country"

Pandering wisps of vapor that will be Trivial Pursuit answers in 10 years
Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson both sucked-up to the base (as well as the ghost of Ronald Reagan) and delivered their lines exceptionally well with the glaring exception of Tommy Thompson when asked whether or not employers can essentially fire someone for being gay. For about three seconds you could see the sorry old bastard toss his conflicted soul from his body as he tacked to the conservative base and said that it was up to the employer to make that decision. Causing this viewer to rewind the Tivo to make sure I heard him right. It was an amazing moment of intolerance and sadness. Compounding this social tragedy was that none of the other candidates chimed in and stated that they live in the 21st century and find Governor Thompson an homophobic idiot.

Smart guy we’ve never heard of who sounded most like a Buckley/Reagan Republican
Texas Rep. Ron Paul – Physician, libertarian, hates nation-building and thinks the current administration is money-drunk, dangerous big government cabal.

Front-runners (snort, snicker, bwah-ha-ha!)
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and Arizona Senator John McCain diverged last night in both opinion and passion. Giuliani broke from the ranks over saying he would not pursue overturning Roe v Wade and waffled on other social issues as not to alarm the party centrists (i.e. Schwarzenegger in the front row who he so desperately needs if he goes the distance). McCain was a fiery hawk who sounded like Khan at the end of Star Trek II with his “I’ll follow him [Osama Bin Laden] to the gates of hell” diatribe and then immediately smiled like the slow kid who is about to be rewarded with juice and crackers for getting his one line right in the Christmas play. Pandering to the base award-honorable mention goes to McCain for saying he believes in evolution but when he walks the Grand Canyon he can see the “hand of God”; really John, most of us see natural erosion of schist and limestone from a diminishing inland sea over millions of years and a once proud indigenous people who now need to build a plexi-glass walkway to help their communities survive Arizona winters. Way to go God.


iltsurf said...

This was so good, but where's the Democratic debate recap from last week? Ron Paul seems like a solid candidate. Yes, even better than your liberal Obama.

I'd like to comment on all of your witty commentary, but no time. Tancredo and Hunter are right about China. They are a real threat. Without a strong military we'll either be speaking Arabic or Mandarin so keep that in mind.

Anonymous said...

Hey I protest your use of my picture in your 'we-blog' or whatever you kids call this. I'm the guy on the far right, in the cap. How did you get the picture? My fraternity went bust years ago & all the files were destroyed in mysterious fire.

The Commodore