Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Cerebral Itch now makes t-shirts - recognize!

So this is what has been sucking us dry for the past couple of weeks; goddamn t-shirts. Yeah, after constant harassment we got off our asses and made some t-shirts.

So here's the deal, we've got 12 great designs on some amazingly soft high quality spun cotton tailored t-shirts; you'll get none of that beefy-t crap from us. For those of you who care, they're made in the good ol' US of A and if, and I mean if, we used kids to make the shirts, we have the "proper documentation" in the form of bundled non-consecutive $20 bills and each kid is wearing a fake moustache to make them look older. With that said, behold the fruit of their labors.

Oh, and buy three of them and shipping will only be a buck; sweet deal by any account. Now go buy some.

Monday, July 30, 2007

In the interim...

So I know we've been a little remiss (again) in keeping this blog up to date, but for chrissake, there has been a lot going on in these humble offices and not to mention the plethora of laughable crap in the past news cycles that make us twitch on the floor from having so many choices to write about.

So in the interim, take a look at this priceless little clip proving that pulling the right strings or blowing the right executive can get you a sweet TV gig. If anyone can watch this all the way through without cringing, you get a free card.

See you tomorrow with all the excuses as to why we've been absent; and no, we haven't been drunk or incarcerated.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

On Notice

These people annoy the crap out of us: Mary Murphy, San Diego-based choreographer and judge on the hit talent show, So You Think You Can Dance; listen to her voice for about 10 seconds and you'll bust a beer bottle on a table edge and gouge your ears off. And right-wing curmudgeon Dennis Miller who somewhere around 13 years ago was one of the funniest and smartest men in showbiz; now he's some washed-up hybrid of Bill O'Reilly and Robin Williams.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

If CNN could blow itself, they would never get anything done

As most readers of the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad know, we enjoy covering the presidential debates and giving our special take on the pageantry and, um, oh hell, bullshit shot out of cannons otherwise known as the candidates mouths. But the bullshit cannons that shot the farthest and loudest belonged to debate co-host CNN.

CNN teamed up with YouTube to bring an "edgy" and "youthful" vibe to the debate format by interlacing Anderson Cooper's pathetic moderation, which frankly reminded all who were watching that he was once indeed the host of the ABC reality-show, The Mole, with YouTube videos made by "normal" people. Cue the webcam wingnuts: Snowmen, Lesbians, Rednecks, Church Pastors and the like. It was entertaining and for the most part embarrassing. Side note: CNN has essentially created a new Internet to support their marketing juggernaut promoting this union, check out YouTube's front page and see if you can find their cross-promotion. They look like the guy that got drunk and slept with the easy homely chick and really isn't too proud of it.

CNN promoted this thing like they were channeling souls of dead presidents. "Never been done before", "groundbreaking" and "history-making" were just a few of the hyperbolic ejaculations this husk of a news channel used. Every single one of their commentators and anchors trotted this thing out like some pathetic middle-aged guy who just bought his first Corvette and was repeatedly cruising it by the high school cheerleading practice. So proud were they that they had finally aligned themselves with something somewhat hip that they managed to do something truly "groundbreaking", they actually upstaged the candidate's bombast with their own.

So what happened in the debate? Obama pissed off Clinton, Clinton pissed off Obama, Mike Gravel wanted to pick a fight with all of them and the rest just held up their podiums and tried not to nervously fart on live TV.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

We loves the pooches

Over the weekend in Colorado, Zoey the Chihuahua took one (actually several) for our team. It turns out that Zoey's owner has a one-year-old grandkid that was splashing around in a bird bath when a rattlesnake appeared on the scene and attempted to strike the kid. Enter Zoey who got in between the kid and the snake and went all Riki-Tiki-Tavi on the reptile and absorbed several bites while saving the toddler.

For a while it didn't look like Zoey was going to make it, but she pulled through and has issued a statement that when she is fully recovered she would like to hand Michael Vick his balls after she has chewed them like an old sock.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Fantasy Obit: Michael Vick

This waste of space needs to be put down.

As if the world isn't filled with enough blatant disregard for life, this functionally illiterate monster made a lucrative little hobby out of it. Recently indicted for running a dogfighting operation, Michael Vick will see the inside of a courtroom and will probably get a fine that will dent his bank account to the extent where he won't be able to get new rims for six Escalades; but the secondary accessory to the crime is the NFL.

If this guy shows up on the Falcon's roster this coming season, there will be hell to pay. Follow this link to send a letter to the NFL telling them to suspend Vick. Double your wrath and visit the Humane Society web page dedicated to this issue and join their denouncement of the NFL for not suspending this criminal immediately.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Oh Google, why do you hate us so?

So you gotta love dynamic ad serving. Google AdWords makes huge bucks by sticking their ads anywhere they're allowed. The whole thing works so well because the pages are essentially read by Google ad servers and the ads are placed based on the content of that page. Which, depending on the said content could be an ingenious marketing fit or some accidental righteous comedy and/or tragedy. In our case, we get the comedy plus tragedy.

Case in point: You can see an ad for "Cerebral Palsy Infants". I did not click on this link for fear I would see some stuff that would so harshly bum me out I would end up changing the name of the company.

Comedy Rule #254 - Anal Itching is funny
note: as long as it is someone else's anus
When some dumbass ad server sees "itch" as in Cerebral Itch apparently "stop anal itching" is a logical cross-promotion. This was our favorite considering one cannot say the term "anal itch" and not smirk; it is neurologically impossible.

While these ads did nothing for their sponsors because they ended up on a cranky blog written by some unemployable jagoff, we can only hope one of our smarmy greeting card ads end up on the anal itching site or stroke prevention site. Touché!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

We interupt this blog for some serious shit

The beautifully succinct and oft-referenced Woody Allen bon mots "tragedy plus time equals comedy" no longer fits the state of affairs where the current administration is concerned. The idiocies and insipid statements made do not get the proper period of fermentation necessary to make them funny or develop to full ironic splendor. It is with that realization that we step back for a moment and ask our fair readers for some feedback. What makes you all Howard Beale over the current state of affairs? What makes you want to move to Canada or hurl a flaming Stoli bottle full of gasoline over the White House fence?

In a hastily planned press conference this morning, Bush said the Congress had no business telling him how to run a war. I'm sorry Mr. President, but as impotent as they may seem, they are still the people's representatives. Not to put too fine a point on it, they are quite empowered by Article 1 - Section 8 of the United States Constitution to indeed exert great influence on the executive branch where war is concerned; all at the behest of their constituencies . But then again, one waxes presumptuous and ideological when one assumes you Mr. President and your sycophants respect the intricacies of the Constitution or that two-thirds of this particular Congress has the stones to engage you in a constitutional cagefight.

With that said, today's press conference made us apoplectic and also made us think: what pisses you, the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad reader off? Perhaps it is one or more of the following:

  • A delusional, failed and cancerous president
  • Chertoff's prognosticative gut
  • Alberto Gonzales just being alive
  • The reprehensible treatment of our dutiful servicemen and their families
  • Cheney's Belligerence
  • Pelosi's timidity in the face of fascism
  • Giuliani's charade
  • Hillary's laser-guided trajectory to the nomination
  • Or your own personal favorite

Tell us.

Leave a comment on this blog, anonymous or otherwise. We are going to turn off the lights for a few days so this post stays at the top, so whomever finds this posting can easily read it and chime in as they please. We encourage interaction. And while Veejay's (see previous post) exploits may be quite humorous, it's getting harder to laugh each passing day.

Please leave your comments and/or pass this posting on to others. The comments left here will be aggregated and passed on to the appropriate Representatives and Senators en masse.

We'll be back on Tuesday

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Cerebral Itch on the road with Scooter, Leo and our own special little trouble making idiot, Veejay

I will definitely cop to the fact that we've been a little erratic on posting surrounding the holiday, but I thought we really had our act together in preparing for the editorial necessities of the 4th of July. Then GW goes and lets our buddy Scooter out of his cage last Monday and ever since we've been tangled up with Libby and his defense team in a drunken haze complete with celebratory streaking, pissing off balconies and 24/7 room service at the Ritz-Carlton. Washington D.C. was where we celebrated the 4th because I like to expose our editorial team from Bangalore to what makes this country great: K Street, executive power and laissez-faire morality D.C.-style. So the Scooter party was just a lucky break for all concerned.

No sooner were we paying bail and sober for about six hours then we got wrapped up in all the Live Earth crap. Al Gore had left us a few VIP passes at our hotel (he's still sweet on us for the coverage we gave him during Oscar time) and we figured if crooked conservatives could party, then tree-hugging juiced up artistic liberals could put us under the table; plus, they're way hotter. So we fueled up the Cerebral Itch Gulf Stream (on loan from Oprah - another story for another time) and popped over to New York. My main man and editorial manager, Veejay, who you may remember is still getting over the trauma of his run-in with Orangutan, swore he was going to get himself some Cameron Diaz. He has a bit of a penchant for inane mousy blondes with questionable hygeine; so by going to a liberal rock concert he was about to throw himself into nirvana.

I stayed a safe distance away from the hordes. I've been to Burning Man, I know how these things can get. Turns out Leonardo Dicaprio is a huge Cerebral Itch fan and loves to send the Beard Intervention card to Katie Holmes every month as a joke. Which led her to start firing back with Fraud cards. I love that we're part of a Hollywood feud. He heard I was around, had his people find me and twenty minutes later I was in his custom trailer knocking back lemon drops adorned with organic mint sprigs cavorting with a passel of Icelandic lingerie models while being attended to by two midget waiters wearing tuxedos, I kid you not; this is how Leo rolls.

As I'm enjoying the good Christian fellowship of the group in Leo's pad, I get a text message from Veejay saying he just got swept up by security. Well, it seems that Veejay did get in Cameron Diaz's personal space and made an ass out of himself. He got down on one knee, ripped open his shirt and pointed to his heart and told her to "come home where you belong Cammie!". He was tackled by the Live Earth shock troops, tasered and thrown in a makeshift pen for idiot law breakers. I replied back, "You're harshing my buzz - the Police are about to go on and I'm done pulling your ass out of a sling, I'll see you in the morning dumb ass". I settled back into the remarkably soft hemp couch with Falda and Brynhildur and reduced my carbon footprint with another drink.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Cerebral Itch 3-second Movie Review Math - TRANSFORMERS

Believe it or not, the damn thing works. It's by far the most fun you'll have at the movies this summer while simultaneously not blinking once and bleeding from the ears. It sure as hell ain't Truffaut, but this is the kind of movie that makes a summer: Original, loud, gratuitous and sometimes funny-smart. Go figure.

Friday, July 06, 2007

CNN = Colon News Network

Take a look and see what CNN is passing off as popular news: Child-attacking sociopath, a physically disabled tiger and video of animal cruelty.


Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy 4th of July

This really should be the national anthem and always sung by Ray Charles

Sunday, July 01, 2007

What can I say?

It was too nice of a day to blog for you yahoos. But, I give you the funniest five seconds on the Internets tubes.