Friday, February 23, 2007

Your Cerebral Itch Blog Family

While on a Skype call with the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad editorial crew in Mumbai this morning, Sandeep (lower right) asked me a question that struck a chord in me. He asked, "Fine Mr. Itch Sir, I would like to know who the people are that we write such humorous musings for." To which I replied, "Shut up and get back to work."

I must admit that as the day wore on I still couldn't get Sandeep's question out of my head. It reminded me that most of you know nothing of our writing team. Leave it to that little scamp Sandeep to bring this glaring omission to the fore. He's probably the best writer we have. That kid tells this joke about a cross-dresser, ping-pong balls and a rabbi that honest to god slays me everytime he tells it; it's what pretty much got him the job. "Big Pete" is his cousin and the resident flaming queen. I think you can see from the picture that he's a rather natty dresser and a power bottom ironically enough. He's the only one in his hovel that gets his bespoke suits flown in from London monthly. He's got to have a sugar daddy because I sure as hell don't pay him enough for that nonsense. He's our eyes and ears on the celebrity front. He knows what going on with Paris and Britney better than their gynos; you'd think he lived in the Village or L.A. with his frighteningly encyclopedic knowledge of all things fabulous. I guess he drives the other kids batshit in the office by constantly playing Christina Aguilera dance remixes too loud.

Now Veejay, he's the whip-cracker, I guess his mum is a Brit and his dad's a local thus the sallow complexion and bad teeth. He makes sure the writers produce on time and prodigiously. They all hate his guts; I love it, takes the heat off me. During a moment of levity on a conference call last month, he proclaimed out of nowhere, that he's still a virgin and saving himself for marriage. To which "Big Pete" cut the tension with the retort "Bitch please, you changing your name to 'Captain Obvious’ too?". Rounding out the group is Komala. She's a sweetie and a hell of a proofreader. She speaks better English than all of you reading this. She's a graduate of UCLA and former actress in both Hollywood and Bollywood. I guess she was a kid extra in Gandhi and that gave her the acting bug. It seems Richard Attenborough pulled her out of a crowd scene and took a liking to her. Next thing she knew, she's in L.A. auditioning for and getting parts playing Mexican girls. It was a blow-up with Jerry Bruckheimer on the set of Armageddon that sent her packing back to India. Rumor has it, that's how Liv Tyler got her role.

So there you have it. The Cerebral Itch Blog Squad as I like to call them. Send a holla to the kids if you have the chance. They'll appreciate it a lot since I tell them "No one reads your stuff, I just claim you as my children for tax purposes."


kerry said...

Veejay's a dirty liar, and I do mean dirty. As soon as the antibiotics clear up whatever he gave me and I can see again, I'm going to People with a tell all. I'll throw you a link when it's published.

Sharon said...

Goodness gracious me… naan was wet with tears of laughter with this one! Hey - did you know Liv Tyler married a guy from Leeds?! Rumor has is Liv “ loves her husband’s home town because no one knows who she is”!