You're goddamn right we're sore losers

Okay, for those of you who didn't hear, we got nominated for a LOUIE. What's a LOUIE you ask and why must it be typed in all caps? A LOUIE is the greeting card industry's highest award for excellence; an award that honors the creativity of its artists, writers and designers. The OSCAR of greeting cards if you will. Well, this year it is also affectionately known here at the Cerebral Itch offices as bullshit on a glass stand.

The LOUIE is handed out by the American Greeting Card Association; an august committee if there ever was one. Well these folks saw fit to select one of our cards for their "Superbly Stated" category. A category that is a recognition of editorial copy – greeting cards with original composition. They selected our sweet and smart "Cool Family Member" card. We're proud of this little card. Not only because it's a best-seller, but because it resonates with a lot of people in a very sweet way when a new baby comes into their lives. Here it is:

Well, we lost.

Who won you ask? Studio Expressio - For their card "owl love you forever". We've posted the card below so you could take in the touching majesty and savor what makes an award-winning card according to the American Greeting Card Association LOUIE judges.


Just the fact that we lost to a shitty pun is enough to make us bust up the office in a Tyler Durden-like rage. But for chrissake, to lose to a card that actually uses the line "wise birds always knew life's better when there's two - lucky me, lucky you" is all the evidence one needs to know that something tantamount to a briefcase full of non-consecutive $20's and hookers at the hotel gets you a LOUIE trophy; because it sure as hell ain't bang-up copywriting.

So how did we get over this devastating loss? Six bottles of a lovely Central California Coast Pinot Noir, five Honduran cigars and our makeshift backyard paint-ball shooting range festooned with Studio Expressio cards and LOUIE logos printed from our cheap-ass inkjet. To look at our offices this morning after assuaging our loss, you'd think we won.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Campaign died today in South Dakota. Zombie campaign imminent

You know, to be honest with you, I thought the above creation was a bit offside. Namecalling is never the paragon of social commentary nor is gender specific insult. But what the hell, we make funny cards. But today validated every single word on that shirt. Whether it be due to fatigue, calculation or outright lunacy, Hillary Clinton imploded on the public stage in the grandest and simultaneously most impotent fashion imaginable. Using both the word "assassination" and the horrific memory of RFK dying on the cold service hallway floor of the Ambassador Hotel as a historic buttress for a collapsing presidential plight ushers in the reaper to claim her sad tired husk.



The revulsion is palpable amongst the democratic cognoscenti and blogosphere. I think Keith said it best, albeit a bit more hysterical than one might call for.



Please go away Mrs. Clinton. Far away...and quietly.

It's called blatant racism you politically correct obtuse twits!

It really takes something truly nauseating to top Hillary's performance last night as the tenacious defender who once again (yawn) declared taking her bankrupt and quixotic crusade to the final hill on behalf of the working class. But the most sickening performance of all was the constant faux-bewilderment of the pundits when examining Obama's 35 point loss in Kentucky. You could see the politically correct restraint just oozing out their powdered foreheads. I kept hoping against hope that someone would snap and just scream, "working class whites earning less than $50k with a high school education living in Appalachia are f%^$#ng functionally illiterate racist hillbillies who would drink battery acid before letting some 'negro' be president...am I fired now?".

The West Virgina primary let the world peer into a disturbing microcosm that included bad grammar, great orthodontic need and racism. Enjoy the following video:



It appears that the Kentucky primary had equally if not more dour sociological results. According to the Associated Press, "About one in five whites said race played a role in choosing a candidate Tuesday — on par with results in several other Southern states. Nine in 10 of that group backed Clinton — the highest proportion yet among the 28 states where that question has been asked in exit polls." Contrast that with their exit poll findings from Oregon where only 1 in 10 said race was important to them. Oregon exit polling showed that Obama does get the working class white vote and added credence that his problem is endemic to Appalachia. Obama did pull Louisville and got solid support from college students and educated voters under 30...shocking.

Let's go out on a limb and say Hillary's victories throughout Appalachia are not primarily the result of an informed and inspired electorate who appreciate her nuanced legislative take on health care but instead putrid bigotry on a grand scale. What that means is that constitutional privilege was exercised by individuals who would rather vote for a white pandering political fixture with a sense of entitlement or a white elderly professional politician with odious associates who married into more money than their state has budgeted for education. Oh, and one more thing. Last night in Hillary's "victory speech" she used that great hackneyed suck-up line "As ___ goes, so goes the nation!"; this time inserting "Kentucky". Let's get something straight lady. I go nowhere Kentucky goes and I believe the other 49 states would agree.

Worst Selling Campaign Shirt EVER

Bush and the Saudis

It becomes quite obvious that you no longer engender respect when the Saudis quietly tell you to go f%# yourself and enjoy $4.00 gasoline. "Ally" definitely became a subjective term deserving of spirited context this weekend.

Loudmouths: Compare and Contrast

One of the inescapable phenomena in today's political climate are the plethora of pundits that threaten to block out the sun with their sheer numbers. There are those that stand out from the rest due to their bombast, intellect or sheer stupidity. We know the all-stars: Limbaugh, Savage, Malkin, Hannity and Beck. On the Left side of the shoutin' match you got your Olbermann, Maddow and Rhodes. What many people don't realize is that the intellectual prowess of one side kicks the living shit out of the other. Ironically, the side with the most followers, has the fewest credentials proving they have a little more than a smooth brain in their head.

All of this was brought to the fore by a blazingly enjoyable moment on Hardball with Chris Matthews. A little known right-wing radio commentator named Kevin James (not to be confused with fat d-lister Kevin James of CBS King of Queens fame) was paired with AirAmerica owner, Mark Green for an on-air debate surrounding another Bush fuck-up in which our President so much branded an unnamed Democrat an appeaser using the context of Hitler in front of the Israeli Parliament. Chris Matthews who fancies himself an armchair historian took it upon himself to do a little history check to see if James could back up his high-volume declaration that Barack Obama was an appeaser on par with Sudetenland seller, Neville Chamberlain. Well, this is what happened (grab some Kleenex now, because you're going to need it from the tears of laughter you'll be shedding):



The fact that this moron couldn't give Matthews a high school freshman rundown of WWII history brought to mind the fact that practically all of the right-wing pundits should be changing tires at Sears Auto Centers or putting together Happy Meals. Allow me to illustrate:

Rush Limbaugh: Flunked out after two semesters at Southeast Missouri State University and soon entered radio where he got his big break replacing Morton Downey Jr. We'll leave it at that.

Michael Savage: Probably the most educated of all, except none of it is germane to politics or journalism. Michael Savage aka Michael Alan Weiner (sometimes you can't make this shit up) has a Ph.D. from Berkeley in nutritional ethnomedicine. Which led him to be a disciple of LSD prophet Timothy Leary. A fan of Lenny Bruce and Alan Ginsberg, Savage was quite liberal in his day and somewhere around 1980 he went right...hard. Today, words like "fascist", "homophobic" and "bigot" follow Savage wherever he goes. Savage's book titles speak volumes, no pun intended: The Enemy Within: Saving America from the Liberal Assault on Our Schools, Faith, and Military, Liberalism Is a Mental Disorder and The Savage Nation.

Okay, enough with the Right-Wing nutjobs, let's examine the more vociferous liberal media megaphones.

Keith Olbermann: Host of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Olbermann's sails have caught the wind of Bush disapproval and as a more toned down love affair alternative to the likes of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Olbermann is considered ridiculously bright as evidenced in his graduation from high school at 16 and entry into Cornell University. He has had a rocky relationship with his employers such as ESPN and MSNBC, but assuages the occupational bumps with substance and awards, like the Edward R. Murrow Award he received for reporting from the site of the 9-11 attacks for 40 days on ABC Radio and Los Angeles radio station KFWB. His recent Special Comment about Bush giving up golf as a personal sacrifice in light of his war has caught fire online and galvanized rancor amongst Republicans and Democrats alike.

Rachel Maddow: Host of the Rachel Maddow Show on Air America Radio and frequent MSNBC Political Commentator. Maddow is a Rhodes Scholar by way of Stanford and Oxford. I'll stop right there out of mercy for the rest. Oh, and formerly of Fox News, John Gibson likes to point out she's a lesbian. Kudos to Maddow for not pointing out that he's an ugly retarded heterosexual.

At this point I will refrain from shining a light on the rest only to tell you that the trend continues on both sides. The right-wing punditry is pathetically outclassed on the intellectual front. Does this invite cries of elitism and bleeding-heart liberalism? Sure it does. But please remember back to when your functional illiterate bullies in grade school always made fun of the geeks and fags.

Gone are the days of Will, Buckley, Vidal and Mailer. Their mantle has been seized by loudmouth assholes with little regard for topical fact, history and a cursory knowledge of the constitution. Extinct are the moments on Dick Cavett where the intellectuals would square off and piss each other off in a cerebral three-dimensional chess game of one-upsmanship under the cloud of war (Viet Nam) or social unrest (Kent State). Now, it's who can yell the loudest, blame the boldest and get the hell out of the way fastest so their mindless pitchfork and torch bearing masses can do the rest.

Fine, give me my pitchfork. I'm with the geeks and fags.

Olberman goes all Howard Beale on the President's Ass - and rightly so

Vituperative brilliance aimed at an awful and stupid man. Seeing that his world came true, Paddy Chayefsky must be quite melancholy in heaven these days.