Monday, February 26, 2007

Cerebral Itch Oscar Party Wrap-Up

In the shadow of the Governor's Ball, The Vanity Fair party and the Elton John AIDS bash; Cerebral Itch threw a little fête to rival them all. From poolside of the swanky West Hollywood Chamberlain Hotel, Cerebral Itch laid out the red carpet to welcome some of Hollywood's brightest luminaries and celebrate achievement in film and smoke being anally administered.

Being that it was our first year, certain efforts had to be made to get the big stars to drop by and create sufficient momentum. Apparently all it took was one well-laid rumor that Jesus Christ was in fact going to be at our party and Jennifer Hudson came running. She left soon after she realized that her personal lord and savior was not present. But it was enough to start the limo line. Al Gore stole the show when he, Tipper and their "Posse Verde" stepped out of their hybrid stretch limo holding his Oscar aloft shouting "Does that dumbshit-in-chief have one of these? I think not!"

Scandal also greases the wheels of buzz and that was supplied nicely when Kirsten Dunst was denied entry for being...Kirsten Dunst. Gwyneth stopped by as well and was summarily asked to leave when it was learned that she was using her fake British accent again. Nicole Kidman was unfortunately frightened away before she even got out of her limo when Britney Spears lunged from the bushes and proceeded to bludgeon the hood of the limo with a stick. Security was dispatched, Ms. Spears was sedated and placed in a van headed back to the Malibu clinic, Promises.

Best Supporting actress nominee, Rinko Kikuchi started the party off right when she showed up with Sisqo of "Thong Song" fame on her arm. Already considerably inebriated, the two proceeded to take the edge off her loss by dance floor dry-humping right next to Best Supporting Actor winner, Alan Arkin who, according to dance floor sources, smiled for the first time that evening at the sordid sight. Sharon Stone served as celebrity cocktail waitress as did retro-Oscar winner Marisa Tomei. Their talents shined as they shucked booze and tried to cut deals for any Lifetime channel movie that might come their way. The Pilobolus dance troupe was retained for the evening to dazzle attendees with more of their shadow puppet mastery. Their presentation was constantly being marred by the heckling and screaming requests of Jack Black and Will Ferrel to "make a shadow pee-pee! make a shadow pee-pee!" very sad.

No Oscar party is complete without a celebrity chef feeding the glamorous masses; Rachel Ray shined as she prepared her most elaborate menu yet: grilled cheese sammies with parsley sprigs accompanied with pasta salad seasoned with Wish-Bone italian dressing.

All in all it was a huge success.

3 comments:

Jukebox said...

My Oscar party consisted of eating Jack in the Box while watching Battlestar Galactica.

kerry said...

Oh, grilled cheese sammies. I bet it was gouda or some other super delicious trendy cheese too. And with the garnish of garnishes, the versatile and ever pleasing parsley. You guys sure know how to throw a party.

And great coverage Big Pete, you had me hanging on every word. and I wouldn't have let Kiki Dunst in either looking like that. You know she was totally the source of the Hepatitis at Wolfgang Puck's party!

I wish my Oscar party had been half as exciting. Turns out Jennifer Hudson should have gone to the one I did, because Jesus *was* there. Or at least some guy who looked exactly like him. He wouldn't change water into wine though, forcing me to have to find my own. The guy was a total stiff. After a couple of glasses of wine I started trying to bounce money making ideas off the guy. My favorite included renting him out as a party favor. You know those champagne fountains? Picture JC, some water, and the
collective "ooohs and aaahs" of 50 of your closest friends, for a very reasonable price. Blockbuster right? I think he only knows how to make generic red wine though, because I told him he'd need to be able to cover at least a couple of reds and a white, since everyone knows you can't drink red wine with chicken and I really like chicken.

Suddenly dude's all using big words like "harrassment" and "inappropriate" and I'm being asked to leave. There's no way he was Jesus. The real Jesus would have forgiven me.

sigh...it's times like that when I miss Veejay. Thankfully, a little bit of him still lingers, but they said that should clear up in another week or so.

Corboy said...

That's pretty funny! Nice wit, GOD I hate actors, and Liberals!!!!