Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Hey Hallmark!
Don't stop believing you can sell this crap

I'm spending today kicking myself in the ass. It appears that the killer-app of all card ideas; greeting cards that address some of the most soul-shattering shit that could happen to a person is being launched by the undisputed master of original prose and cutting edge design: Hallmark Cards. Yes, the Hallmark Journeys line is now in stores and we’re all the better for it.
Who of us hasn’t been plagued by the inability to find that perfect card to thank a hospice worker or organ donor's family? Or for that matter, have a few cards on deck for the countless times you need to reach out to someone dealing with infertility, a miscarriage or post-partum depression (I'm not making this up, wait till you see the topic list). Well, that think-tank of a company in Kansas City, MO has taken the worry away from us. I assume the target market for these homogenized pastel ice scrapers are mouth breathers who think they’re being sensitive by sending a $2.49 card they picked up at Wal-Mart.

Let’s get something straight. If you know someone suffering from the following:

  • Cancer diagnosis, treatment, hair loss, recovery anniversary
  • Loss of young life
  • Infertility, miscarriage, post-partum depression
  • Waiting for test results
  • Caring for an aging parent
  • Thanking a hospice worker or organ donor's family
  • Addiction recovery
  • Eating disorders and diet support
  • Depression
  • Job loss
  • Coming out
You handwrite them a personal note or get them drunk with your arm around them. You don’t send a goddamn Hallmark card.


Anonymous said...

I can't believe I actually know a person at Hallmark who makes up this stuff. She is in denial about many other issues as well. She knows I sell greeting cards for a living but that doesn't stop them from ripping off all the independent card manufacturers out there.
They have not one ounce of creative juice, but then look at their audience. Pitiful.

Sharon said...

‘kinel is nothing sacred?. Except I confess the ‘coming out’ line might occasionally be useful! Don’t fret CI is now my only source of tasteful cards for those Hallmark moments.