The ADVOCATE says Cerebral Itch is The Best

Our little "Thank You - that was one hell of an orgy" card was featured in December's The Advocate.

VCT EXCLUSIVE:Source of Gregory Leak Revealed

According to an article in The Huffington Post, hackles are up on several executives over at NBC due to the leak surrounding David Gregory's ascension to the Meet The Press throne. What was most disturbing about this article was the scurrilous accusation that Chuck Todd was in some way responsible for this leak.

The staff at Viva Chuck Todd found this libelous salvo beyond the pale of belief and responded accordingly by mobilizing the entire editorial staff late last night to get to the bottom of who exactly is responsible for the leak and hopefully inoculate The Chuck from any further blame. Findings as of this morning were both shocking and disturbing.

According to VCT reporting, it appears that not one, but several people were responsible for the Gregory leak. One of the most surprising aspects of this story is that the leak came not from the news division, but from the entertainment division. Their apparent motive was a complete takeover of the news division paving the way for a revamp where a variety/game-show format would be pursued. According to multiple anonymous sources, the leader of this group was germ-phobe and host of NBC's Deal or No Deal, Howie Mandel. Sources tell us that Mandel has always had an eye on the Sunday morning news show as an excellent vehicle to parlay the success of Deal or No Deal.

The Viva Chuck Todd editorial offices have also come into possession of Mandel's notes where he sketched out changing the Meet The Press set to resemble the Deal or No Deal set where political newsmakers would sit before the 26 terraced briefcase girls and be directed to get their questions by calling on a scantily-clad model one at a time who would then open the case and read the guest a probing well-researched news question or in some cases a light-hearted general interest question submitted by a viewer. The Mandel notes also revealed that back-channel arrangements had already been made to have former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton be the first guest of the new show along with a whole new round table discussion group consisting of Ben Affleck, Star Jones, Ann Coulter and The Obama Girl. There was also to be a closing musical number planned for each show performed by cross-dressing manazon RuPaul. A musician who had been hired for show's band revealed that the first number was to be a take-off on the RuPaul hit Supermodel where the main chorus lyric "you better work!" was to be aimed towards the incoming Obama administration.

Where David Gregory fits into all of this is still unclear, but the same musician who revealed the first closing number told Viva Chuck Todd that Gregory would of most likely been retained after the "coup" for his dancing and comedic talents. Over the years, Gregory has displayed an uncanny flair for R&B interpretive dance and impersonations.

While Mandel was the front man for this cadre, the true puppet master was acclaimed West Wing creator, Aaron Sorkin. Sorkin apparently was still harboring ill will towards NBC for the cancellation of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and felt that this remaking of Meet The Press would be the right formula of news and entertainment he failed to capture with Studio 60. As of this morning, representatives for Mr. Sorkin were refusing comment and directed VCT inquiries to their legal counsel.

Shortly before press time, NBC released a statement saying that this Sunday's installation of Gregory as the new host of Meet The Press will go ahead as planned. No decisions have been made as to whether charges will be filed against Sorkin and Mandel.

Crap! I now find this cute

Once you have a kid - you're brainwashed, face it.

Uncle Keith knocks it out of the park again on Prop 8

Say what you will about this man; I don't think O'Reilly is given to such humanity.

Waking up from a bad dream

please vote and know hope.

The Powell Endorsement: The Sequel

Even more damning than his appearance on Meet the Press.

Looking Presidential: Compare and Contrast

I'm just saying.

Oh, if silly faces ruled the world...wait a minute.

We're not even going to bother with a poll - but we've got new presidential debate e-cards!

We threw together some more e-cards based on the more memorable lines of tonight's debate. Enjoy (they're free).

Um, Senator...You just said "prisoners"

Okay, Joe Biden is everyone's favorite gaffe-machine, but say what you will, Biden knows how to laugh it off. This poor fellow just looks like his faculties are making a break for it.

Okay, so who won the 2nd Presidential Debate?

For the sheer academic exercise, we're putting up this poll; despite knowing how most of you are going to vote on this one. Oh, with that said, we created a brand new e-card in honor of tonight's shining moment - check it out

NEW DESIGN ADDED!

New items added to the SARAH PALIN WTF SUPERSTORE

The Gladys Wood Elementary School Drop Out line.

Hey, if she mentions it on national television, it's fair game

Sarah Palin: the conservative literatti ain't cuttin' her any slack

Golda Meir
Margaret Thatcher
Benazir Bhutto
Indira Ghandi
Condoleza Rice and Hillary Clinton for that matter...

Would they wink repeatedly, hide behind handlers and say "betcha"?

The smart money is on "no".

Cerebral Itch featured on KNSD7/39 San Diego NBC

Well, somehow we got on TV again talking about Cerebral Itch. This time it was the fine folks over at NBC 7/39 who showed us the early A.M. love. Kacky did a great job but Paul has been admitted to the local hospital to get the stick removed from his ass.

Well? Who won?

The results are in and apparently you through the pageant queen razzle-dazzle of Governor Palin and gave the night to Senator Biden.

Forget who he's talking about, focus on what he's talking about - inspiring

You better use another lifeline

This idiot couldn't pass a citizenship test.

Sarah Palin:The avoidable gamble

"Life is full of unavoidable gambles - this surely was an avoidable gamble".

That quote was from one of our favorite men of letters: conservative columnist, George Will, summing up a conversation about Sarah Palin. The video clip is from "The Green Room" segment which follows the round table group after the taping of This Week with George Stephanopoulos. Quite a group was assembled this morning, George Will, Newt Gingrich, Steven Pearlstein and Robert Reich who all spoke to the bailout, the first debate and Palin. Watch it, it's worth seeing Gingrich pathetically defend Palin and then get laughed at. Is it me or is Gingrich looking more and more like Benny Hill these days?

And Speaking of Palin, we just launched The Sarah Palin Superstore complete with your favorite Cerebral Itch Sarah Palin e-card humor now plastered on t-shirts, mugs, etc. - get over there and buy something before that walking punchline is kicked off the ticket.

Craig Ferguson = Political Genius

And so, comedy continues to be the delivery method of this bitter tonic we call the 2008 Presidential campaign.

Un-f'kng-believable

From Glenn Greenwald over at Salon.com

But Sarah Palin's performance in the tiny vignettes of unscripted dialogue in which we've been allowed to see her has been nothing short of frightening -- really, as I said, pity-inducing. And I say that as someone who has thought from the start that the criticisms of her abilities -- as opposed to her ideology -- were much too extreme. One of two things is absolutely clear at this point: she is either (a) completely ignorant about the most basic political issues -- a vacant, ill-informed, incurious know-nothing, or (b) aggressively concealing her actual beliefs about these matters because she's petrified of deviating from the simple-minded campaign talking points she's been fed and/or because her actual beliefs are so politically unpalatable, even when taking into account the right-wing extremism that is permitted, even rewarded, in our mainstream. I'm not really sure which is worse, but it doesn't really matter, because with 40 days left before the election, both options are heinous.

Truth to Power:Chris Rock offers some salient political observations

Unbelievably hilarious and spot on? Yes. Did he just scare the shit out of older white rural voters? Yes to that too.

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

Genius

Anyone want to take a crack at this logic?

Does anyone remember that this hack was run out on a rail by her board?!

San Diego's FOX 5 does Cerebral Itch

Well, someone felt sorry for us and put our story on the TV. The absolutely charming Nadine Toren from San Diego's FOX 5 took some time out of her busy morning to feature the Cerebral Itch political e-cards. Watch the piece, it's worth it just to hear someone call us "lovebirds".

NEW Political e-Cards

Here's just a couple of the new political e-cards we've added.

Did you really think we'd sit by and let this whole McCain/Palin thing go by without popping off?

Just in case

Click here after you read this

Judge as you may

This balancing act treads at McCain's peril. The Cerebral Itch Scatch Pad encourages your comments.

Can I get a Halelujah for a pipeline!

Recent, pertinent and chilling.

Honky Tonk Hate Speak:Sarah Palin addresses, scratch that, incites the Republican base

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Uh, is this mic on?

The Chuck held court today for a gorgeous blooper and fed the beast with some innocent post-interview questioning that caused former McCain 2000 campaign manager and Republican strategist, Mike Murphy and Wall Street Journal columnist, Peggy Noonan to voice their genuine opinions about Sarah Palin and the new Republican gameplan while their microphones were mistakenly still hot.

Just the fact that the acclaimed wordsmith and doyenne of diction, Peggy Noonan uses the word "bullshit" makes this a classic and perhaps the greatest soundbite for a dance mashup since the Barbra Streisand classic. The surrounding content of her profanity is in direct contradiction to her column in the Wall Street Journal this morning which heaped praise on the "transformative" figure that is Palin. It brings this to a level of irony that is to be relished by all political junkies and anyone who gives a less than Christian gesture to the screen when Noonan comes on.

UPDATE: Noonan's column is now complete with a mea culpa posited as her "mugging" by the media. She also proclaimed regret for "blurting" a "barnyard epithet". Sorry honey, when you say "excuse me" before you let loose with your potty word, you ain't blurtin' a thing - that's premeditated cussin'.

Pile On!

At least there was only one Jeremiah Wright.

The Los Angeles Times talks to us about Chuck Todd...Go figure

The Los Angeles Times ran a story on Chuck Todd and apparently had to fill some space and interviewed us about our other site Viva Chuck Todd. Check it out. It actually looks like we can put a cogent thought together.

And McCain shoots...he scores!But Jesus Saves!

Holy god (allow me to be irreverent and ironic right off the bat)! Senator John McCain saw the opportunity to finally get out there and grease the skids with the religious right and man, did that sallow septuagenarian hit his mark.

As the light shone down from the hallowed rafters of Reverend Rick Warren's Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA, John McCain broke the indoor speed record for evangelical ass-kissing by one person. Honestly, does one person really need to invoke Reagan's "shining city on the hill" schtick, Rwandan Missionary work, Georgian 3rd century Judeo-Christian roots and Mother Theresa in under four minutes?

The best part was when Pastor, er Reverend, uh high media priest...whatever Warren asked what makes him a follower of Christ and Senator McCain told a story about his captivity and a guard who showed him not only a semblance of mercy while being tortured, but drew him a cross in the dirt and shared a moment as two Christians. Fine, great story. Would look great on film except...John McCain to this day, refuses to stop referring to his captors as anything but "gooks". Okay fine, Christian gooks then. Another "hey, nobody's paying attention" high point was when Senator McCain humbly referred to some of the "worst places in the world", "dark corners", "little places like Belarus" in a way that made you tear up from the admiration he was emoting; wait a minute, did you say "Belarus"? You mean the same sh*thole you used as a punchline when you wanted to jokingly exile uber-lobbyist and former senator Phil Gramm after he called us a nation of whiners? Yeah it was and tonight you set things straight. Well, hats off to you Senator!

And in all fairness, Obama sucked. He tried to be sincere, but came off as verbose and trying way too hard. Cut the man some slack though; he just was in Hawaii for a week. Take it from me, if there's one place in the world that's going to cause some mental atrophy, it's that place.

We also have to give MCain credit where credit's due for smoking Obama in the speed round for answering "at the moment of conception". Boom! done! "Thank you ladies and gentlemen and good night. Don't forget to vote for me on one issue and only one".

And one more thing before I have to get ready for church. Why aren't there hordes of secular Americans AND people of faith who have an academic understanding of our Constitution marching on Washington in protest that the first semi-official showdown between two candidates for the President of the United States was in a mega-church?! Oh that's right, we're in the minority.

Hell in a handbasket

While everyone watches pretty lights twinkle in a dirty city, a boy swim really fast and yet another politician succumb to hubris and lust; this is what really happened in the last 72 hours:

• Russia flexes it dormant muscles and seizes former chunk of the USSR with brutal relish
• Islamic separatists displace 130,000 Filipinos - a humanitarian disaster looms
• oh yeah, two wars still cooking and the U.S. was just bumped by China as the biggest manufacturer.

Enjoy the Olympics

Cokie Roberts: Haole Idiot

Newsflash: East Coast intellectual snob flummoxed over African-American male spiriting off to an exotic locale to do god knows what.

Just the fact that this colonial hag felt she had to clarify that Hawaii is a state is reason enough to back Obama; just so she'll clutch her purse that much tighter when a darkie walks past.

Greatest Commercial...ever

I would've given a years salary to be in on the ad agency's pitch meeting.

"Okay so we're going to have daytime fireworks but using paint instead punctuated by classical music with a spooky-ass clown running around wildly as the true personification of hue-addled jubilation. Work with me people! This'll be spectacular! If you don't sign-off on this, you're all a bunch of myopic philistines!"

Wrong on so many levels

Apparently Liz Taylor is in the hospital for one of the 1674 ailments her body is wracked with; sad enough. But what is really sad was the statement her publicist let loose with:

"Ms. Taylor is fine. Her hospital visit was precautionary. She will be returning home shortly. At present, she is surrounded by family, friends and fabulous jewels."

"Fabulous jewels", "fabulous jewels"?! In the midst of an economic tailspin, a constitution under siege and reality shows, Dame Elizabeth Taylor's publicist chose words that might've resonated entertainingly in the early 60's or 80's but now they're vulgar, out of touch and stupid.

Hey wait a minute? Does that guy work for the McCain campaign?

One Grumpy Old Man calling out another...hard

Jack Cafferty, curmudgeon extraordinaire on CNN nails it on the head regarding McCain and his pissy, envious hypocrisies.

We have to point out that the the latest McCain ad which includes Britney Spears and Paris Hilton just underscores how ridiculously out of touch he is with pop culture and the youth vote. Hilton and Spears are so 2005 it's not even funny. They're yesterday's news. But then again, this is coming from a guy if asked who should be a singled out in an ad showing sexpots with international appeal he probably would say Elke Sommer and Gina Lollobrigida

Hey Look, I'm Phoning It In! Ha!

Okay, so I haven't been updating this site frequently: sue me. I have a good reason though, this blog isn't getting mentioned on national television, this one is - check it.

Too Soon? apparently not anymore

Andrew 1: Knock knock.
New York: Who’s there?
Andrew 1: 9/11
New York: 9/11 who?
Andrew 1: You said you’d never forget.
click here

proving the old adage - tragedy plus time equals comedy

source

Hey Look! Another reason to celebrate the 4th!

The great polemicist Christopher Hitchens is quoted to have said on the death of Jerry Falwell, "If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbook." I would like to echo that sentiment for the late Jesse Helms. He was a small-minded monster bent of depriving a great deal of Americans their rights.

All I hope is Mapplethorpe got the memo and is on his way to give Helms the business end of his bullwhip.

Happy 4th of July

This should be the national anthem and never again heard sung by anyone else other than Ray Charles.

May you and your family have a happy and safe celebration of our country's independence.

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Presidency

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

It'd be more funny if it wasn't so f'ing true.

Quantum of Solace trailer

If my November 7th weekend consists of Bond, President-Elect Obama, Opus One and a Davidoff Churchill I will be a happy man.

CHUCKTODD08.com Launches:Numbers rule and so should Chuck

Many readers of our companion blog Viva Chuck Todd have been lamenting the understandable absence of The Chuck. It has been cruel summer so far, but we think we found the right place to lift a Chuckolyte's spirits: Chucktodd08.com. A page with links to all you need to know about the ultimate political candidate of the season. There are new e-cards, polls, Chuck08 merchandise in which all proceeds go to Tim Russert charities and links to other supporters of this fine endeavor.

Let us know what you think about Chucktodd08.com. If we hear from enough of you we may actually get him to run.

F%$#ing Vulgar

Hell, we're America. We'll capitalize on anything hot to make a buck.

John McCain:Luddite

Not only does this man declare himself to be "illiterate" concerning the most ubiquitous device since the television, but finds it amusingly quaint to admit that he needs his wife's help. I'm starting to think he's as bright as Bush with slightly better syntax.

Disbelief owns the night: Tim Russert 1950-2008

Keith Olbermann does what he does best for a figure lost from our daily routines.

Tim Russert was a man that demanded that we all pause. Pause what we were doing because his word and his alone validated the days events on all things political. His declaration of Senator Barack Obama as the Democratic nominee after the Indiana primary was the unofficial whistle that ended the Democratic Primary season. His statement to that effect, lit up Blackberries across the beltway and people listened. He had power. Power earned from respect, intellect and experience. Power that had a countervailing humility and warmth that no other journalist could match.

You will be missed, mourned and remembered Mr. Russert. And forever conjured by fans who will remark, "I wonder what Russert would think of that?"

A glass will be raised to you on election night. For it will be a little less enjoyable because you wont be there to enjoy it with us.

Our thought and prayers to you, your family and your friends.

Free Father's Day e-cards from Cerebral Itch

You knew we couldn't resist bringing the Cerebral Itch flavor down on Father's Day. With that said, we have 12 new Father's Day e-cards that will most assuredly make the old man laugh...hard. Here's a sample:

We live in historic times

Below is an excerpt of an email sent to Columnist Andrew Sullivan from one of his readers for his blog the Daily Dish. I felt it needed to be reprinted so others could feel something, if not new, long absent.

Tomorrow I will go to the African American cemetery outside of Chicago where my great-grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, neighbors, and my mother and father are buried. And I will tell them that they were right -- that if we studied hard, worked hard, kept the faith, fought for justice, prayed, that this day would come.

And it has.

Viva Chuck Todd

Okay, bear with us on this one.

We launched another blog - Viva Chuck Todd

I know, I know what you're going to say: "You were barely able to keep this one under control ya' dragass!" Fair enough, but this one's different in the fact that people actually read it. There's several contributors who aren't as bitter as me, Chuck Todd swag and free Chuck Todd-themed e-cards.

If you don't know who Chuck Todd is, you should. He's the NBC News Political Director and sort of the unlikely hero of this clusterf*k of the now near-death (thank god) primary season. Chuck Todd is a brilliant, humble and unflappable guy who makes you actually believe someone at least knows what the hell is going on. If you're a fan of The Chuck get over there and join your brethren, if not, stay here. Veejay and Silvio made fake press credentials at Kinkos and are with the Clinton people in Puerto Rico. You know that's not good.

Well, at least we can make a guess at how that RFK gaffe fell out of her mouth

Okay, far be it from me to come to the Clinton's defense but man! What a hatchet job the New York Times and MSNBC did on her with one simple headline and a corresponding picture.

Apparently the junior Senator from New York likes her Maker's Mark at the end of a hard day of campaigning. And rumor has it she can drink the hardiest correspondent under the table like Indy's girlfriend Marion in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Like we're shocked.

But the picture they put with the headline "Clinton burnishes her cocktail credentials" is something you'd see in a 1963 Esquire issue. The juxtaposition of Hillary's picture (looking like she's singing raunchy bar songs) and the headline containing the word "cocktail" is pure editorializing and simultaneous comedic genius. It's the perfect weekend piece for the last remaining primaries since her campaign is so goddamned absurd. It's as if you could almost hear the editors going "fuck it, what's she going to do? Refuse an interview? Hell, it'll probably help her with Appalachia voters."

Ricky says Hillary's Livin' La Vida Loca!

As someone once said, "you don't prune a dead tree" and when you're getting the endorsement of Puerto Rican native son, Ricky Martin to help you swing the Puerto Rico primary, you've ran out of live branches. Remember, this was the same idiot who shimmied and sang with W at his first inauguration so this kid can pick a winner.

But maybe his support of Hillary was in the cards all the time. I would like to present the chorus from the 1998 smash hit Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin. Now mind you, it's not the creepy caliber of say "Paul is dead" or Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz , but it'll do on a Thursday night.

Upside, inside out she's livin la vida loca {translated: uh, she's crazy)

She'll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca {translated: uh, she's crazy and and quite possibly a sassy "cougar"}

Her lips are devil red and her skin's the color mocha {translated: She's wearing the wrong shade as far as Ricky's concerned and he prefers more cream in his coffee than most if you know what I'm saying}

She will wear you out livin la vida loca Come On! {translated: She's overstayed her welcome being batshit crazy}

Livin la vida loca, Come on! {translated: You're living the crazy life, come now you poor woman}

She's livin la vida loca. {translated: You're living the crazy life Hillary}

Woke up in New York City in a funky cheap hotel {translated: Campaign funds are running out and accommodations are tight}

She took my heart and she took my money {translated: She has the Gay vote and will accept donations gladly}

she must've slipped me a sleeping pill {translated: She's no Obama when she gives a speech}

She never drinks the water and makes you order French Champagne {translated: She knows how to work the lobbyists and PACs}

Once you've had a taste of her you'll never be the same {editors note: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth}

Yeah, she'll make you go insane. {NO TRANSLATION NEEDED}

Star Trek: The Sexed Generation

More YouTube hilarity. It's long, but so worth it for the money shot at 4:21 and the chicken at 6:33. Yes, chicken. This kind of mad scientist editing may de-throne Charlie Rose.

You're goddamn right we're sore losers

Okay, for those of you who didn't hear, we got nominated for a LOUIE. What's a LOUIE you ask and why must it be typed in all caps? A LOUIE is the greeting card industry's highest award for excellence; an award that honors the creativity of its artists, writers and designers. The OSCAR of greeting cards if you will. Well, this year it is also affectionately known here at the Cerebral Itch offices as bullshit on a glass stand.

The LOUIE is handed out by the American Greeting Card Association; an august committee if there ever was one. Well these folks saw fit to select one of our cards for their "Superbly Stated" category. A category that is a recognition of editorial copy – greeting cards with original composition. They selected our sweet and smart "Cool Family Member" card. We're proud of this little card. Not only because it's a best-seller, but because it resonates with a lot of people in a very sweet way when a new baby comes into their lives. Here it is:

Well, we lost.

Who won you ask? Studio Expressio - For their card "owl love you forever". We've posted the card below so you could take in the touching majesty and savor what makes an award-winning card according to the American Greeting Card Association LOUIE judges.


Just the fact that we lost to a shitty pun is enough to make us bust up the office in a Tyler Durden-like rage. But for chrissake, to lose to a card that actually uses the line "wise birds always knew life's better when there's two - lucky me, lucky you" is all the evidence one needs to know that something tantamount to a briefcase full of non-consecutive $20's and hookers at the hotel gets you a LOUIE trophy; because it sure as hell ain't bang-up copywriting.

So how did we get over this devastating loss? Six bottles of a lovely Central California Coast Pinot Noir, five Honduran cigars and our makeshift backyard paint-ball shooting range festooned with Studio Expressio cards and LOUIE logos printed from our cheap-ass inkjet. To look at our offices this morning after assuaging our loss, you'd think we won.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Campaign died today in South Dakota. Zombie campaign imminent

You know, to be honest with you, I thought the above creation was a bit offside. Namecalling is never the paragon of social commentary nor is gender specific insult. But what the hell, we make funny cards. But today validated every single word on that shirt. Whether it be due to fatigue, calculation or outright lunacy, Hillary Clinton imploded on the public stage in the grandest and simultaneously most impotent fashion imaginable. Using both the word "assassination" and the horrific memory of RFK dying on the cold service hallway floor of the Ambassador Hotel as a historic buttress for a collapsing presidential plight ushers in the reaper to claim her sad tired husk.



The revulsion is palpable amongst the democratic cognoscenti and blogosphere. I think Keith said it best, albeit a bit more hysterical than one might call for.



Please go away Mrs. Clinton. Far away...and quietly.

It's called blatant racism you politically correct obtuse twits!

It really takes something truly nauseating to top Hillary's performance last night as the tenacious defender who once again (yawn) declared taking her bankrupt and quixotic crusade to the final hill on behalf of the working class. But the most sickening performance of all was the constant faux-bewilderment of the pundits when examining Obama's 35 point loss in Kentucky. You could see the politically correct restraint just oozing out their powdered foreheads. I kept hoping against hope that someone would snap and just scream, "working class whites earning less than $50k with a high school education living in Appalachia are f%^$#ng functionally illiterate racist hillbillies who would drink battery acid before letting some 'negro' be president...am I fired now?".

The West Virgina primary let the world peer into a disturbing microcosm that included bad grammar, great orthodontic need and racism. Enjoy the following video:



It appears that the Kentucky primary had equally if not more dour sociological results. According to the Associated Press, "About one in five whites said race played a role in choosing a candidate Tuesday — on par with results in several other Southern states. Nine in 10 of that group backed Clinton — the highest proportion yet among the 28 states where that question has been asked in exit polls." Contrast that with their exit poll findings from Oregon where only 1 in 10 said race was important to them. Oregon exit polling showed that Obama does get the working class white vote and added credence that his problem is endemic to Appalachia. Obama did pull Louisville and got solid support from college students and educated voters under 30...shocking.

Let's go out on a limb and say Hillary's victories throughout Appalachia are not primarily the result of an informed and inspired electorate who appreciate her nuanced legislative take on health care but instead putrid bigotry on a grand scale. What that means is that constitutional privilege was exercised by individuals who would rather vote for a white pandering political fixture with a sense of entitlement or a white elderly professional politician with odious associates who married into more money than their state has budgeted for education. Oh, and one more thing. Last night in Hillary's "victory speech" she used that great hackneyed suck-up line "As ___ goes, so goes the nation!"; this time inserting "Kentucky". Let's get something straight lady. I go nowhere Kentucky goes and I believe the other 49 states would agree.

Worst Selling Campaign Shirt EVER

Bush and the Saudis

It becomes quite obvious that you no longer engender respect when the Saudis quietly tell you to go f%# yourself and enjoy $4.00 gasoline. "Ally" definitely became a subjective term deserving of spirited context this weekend.

Loudmouths: Compare and Contrast

One of the inescapable phenomena in today's political climate are the plethora of pundits that threaten to block out the sun with their sheer numbers. There are those that stand out from the rest due to their bombast, intellect or sheer stupidity. We know the all-stars: Limbaugh, Savage, Malkin, Hannity and Beck. On the Left side of the shoutin' match you got your Olbermann, Maddow and Rhodes. What many people don't realize is that the intellectual prowess of one side kicks the living shit out of the other. Ironically, the side with the most followers, has the fewest credentials proving they have a little more than a smooth brain in their head.

All of this was brought to the fore by a blazingly enjoyable moment on Hardball with Chris Matthews. A little known right-wing radio commentator named Kevin James (not to be confused with fat d-lister Kevin James of CBS King of Queens fame) was paired with AirAmerica owner, Mark Green for an on-air debate surrounding another Bush fuck-up in which our President so much branded an unnamed Democrat an appeaser using the context of Hitler in front of the Israeli Parliament. Chris Matthews who fancies himself an armchair historian took it upon himself to do a little history check to see if James could back up his high-volume declaration that Barack Obama was an appeaser on par with Sudetenland seller, Neville Chamberlain. Well, this is what happened (grab some Kleenex now, because you're going to need it from the tears of laughter you'll be shedding):



The fact that this moron couldn't give Matthews a high school freshman rundown of WWII history brought to mind the fact that practically all of the right-wing pundits should be changing tires at Sears Auto Centers or putting together Happy Meals. Allow me to illustrate:

Rush Limbaugh: Flunked out after two semesters at Southeast Missouri State University and soon entered radio where he got his big break replacing Morton Downey Jr. We'll leave it at that.

Michael Savage: Probably the most educated of all, except none of it is germane to politics or journalism. Michael Savage aka Michael Alan Weiner (sometimes you can't make this shit up) has a Ph.D. from Berkeley in nutritional ethnomedicine. Which led him to be a disciple of LSD prophet Timothy Leary. A fan of Lenny Bruce and Alan Ginsberg, Savage was quite liberal in his day and somewhere around 1980 he went right...hard. Today, words like "fascist", "homophobic" and "bigot" follow Savage wherever he goes. Savage's book titles speak volumes, no pun intended: The Enemy Within: Saving America from the Liberal Assault on Our Schools, Faith, and Military, Liberalism Is a Mental Disorder and The Savage Nation.

Okay, enough with the Right-Wing nutjobs, let's examine the more vociferous liberal media megaphones.

Keith Olbermann: Host of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Olbermann's sails have caught the wind of Bush disapproval and as a more toned down love affair alternative to the likes of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Olbermann is considered ridiculously bright as evidenced in his graduation from high school at 16 and entry into Cornell University. He has had a rocky relationship with his employers such as ESPN and MSNBC, but assuages the occupational bumps with substance and awards, like the Edward R. Murrow Award he received for reporting from the site of the 9-11 attacks for 40 days on ABC Radio and Los Angeles radio station KFWB. His recent Special Comment about Bush giving up golf as a personal sacrifice in light of his war has caught fire online and galvanized rancor amongst Republicans and Democrats alike.

Rachel Maddow: Host of the Rachel Maddow Show on Air America Radio and frequent MSNBC Political Commentator. Maddow is a Rhodes Scholar by way of Stanford and Oxford. I'll stop right there out of mercy for the rest. Oh, and formerly of Fox News, John Gibson likes to point out she's a lesbian. Kudos to Maddow for not pointing out that he's an ugly retarded heterosexual.

At this point I will refrain from shining a light on the rest only to tell you that the trend continues on both sides. The right-wing punditry is pathetically outclassed on the intellectual front. Does this invite cries of elitism and bleeding-heart liberalism? Sure it does. But please remember back to when your functional illiterate bullies in grade school always made fun of the geeks and fags.

Gone are the days of Will, Buckley, Vidal and Mailer. Their mantle has been seized by loudmouth assholes with little regard for topical fact, history and a cursory knowledge of the constitution. Extinct are the moments on Dick Cavett where the intellectuals would square off and piss each other off in a cerebral three-dimensional chess game of one-upsmanship under the cloud of war (Viet Nam) or social unrest (Kent State). Now, it's who can yell the loudest, blame the boldest and get the hell out of the way fastest so their mindless pitchfork and torch bearing masses can do the rest.

Fine, give me my pitchfork. I'm with the geeks and fags.

Olberman goes all Howard Beale on the President's Ass - and rightly so

Vituperative brilliance aimed at an awful and stupid man. Seeing that his world came true, Paddy Chayefsky must be quite melancholy in heaven these days.

Ahoy Pedro

Aside from all the stellar jokes one could make about the Mexican Navy, this is just plain f*%$ed up.

Viva La Pequeña

I think I found Hillary's running mate.

{Didn't think I could top that Anderson Cooper Loves Bears video did you?}

Hey Hillary! Here's your new campaign song

Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good lord split you.

Anderson Cooper Loves Bears

Jesus, I need to get the creative genius who did this hilarious editing mash-up on our staff.

Oh well now the Super Delegates can align

According to CNN, Elizabeth Taylor is endorsing Hillary Clinton.

I really don't think I need to say any more.

Cerebral Itch Movie Review: Iron Man

Summer is here and that usually means vapid movie fare on the likes of Prom Night or some half-assed comedy for tweens. Well, if Iron Man is any indication of what we can expect this summer, seeing stuff go boom just got a hell of a lot smarter, classier and fun.

Not to bore you with the details, Iron Man is yet another Marvel comic book adaptation. And that is the only connection it shares with it's brethren in the form of crap like the Fantastic Four and two out of the three Spiderman movies; this film ladies and gentlemen, does not suck - not even close.

Robert Downey Jr. plays the protagonist Tony Stark with great relish and gravity as every fanboy who ever read Iron Man wished him to be played. In the pantheon of skilled actors giving a fantasy role every ounce of their talent, Downey's Tony Stark is this year's Jack Sparrow. Jeff Bridges plays antagonist Obadiah Stane, a villain that Dick Cheney would have a man-crush on. Terrence Howard and Gwyneth Paltrow also do some fine work all under the direction of Jon Favreau (Swingers, Elf). This is a movie with four actors who, at one time or another, have been recognized by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences with either a nomination or Oscar; It shows.

Look, this movie is about a genius arms merchant/jackass playboy who has an epiphany at the hands of Afghani bastards and realizes he's part of the problem, leading him to manufacture an armed-to-the-teeth hi-tech exoskeleton that does things you only wish you could do stuck in rush hour. Cutting to the chase (as this movie does quite well), Iron Man is a wonderfully far-fetched, splendidly executed blast of a movie. It's worth your gas money, and that my friends is saying something these days.

From the So Freaky Your Head Will Explode Files : Cher dated Tom Cruise

According to a yet to be aired interview conducted by Oprah, Cher discloses that long ago she dated and even shacked up with a then up and coming young actor named Tom Cruise. Yeah, I know. Let me print that for you again: Cher admits that long ago she dated and even shacked up with a then up and coming young actor named Tom Cruise.

Okay, aside from all the rumors about Cruise and his pansexual ways, the Scientology and his nutjob Manson-like intensity this has an eeew factor up there with AARP orgies. When you have the ultimate cougar, Cher, dishing with Oprah, who as far as we're concerned has the worst possible taste in celebrity friends (i.e. John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Jennifer Anniston, et al) film (Catwoman, Basic Instict 2, Bee Movie, et al) and music (Josh Groban, Il Divo, James Blount, et al) chattering like dirty old hags about banging the Risky Business kid twenty years ago you got yourself a shark jumping moment devoid of all dignity.

It easy to see why Cher dragged this chestnut out of the muck for all to imagine. She needs to juice her image for her new Vegas gig at Ceasar's Palace. But c'mon, why have we not heard of this before? "He was so wonderful. And I was so crazy about him," said Cher, "And he was so, like, different. He was a shy boy. He didn't have any money." And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the cougar prey profile : hot, shy, poor and 16 years younger - "c'mere and let mommy give you a special hug".

Now let it be said that the editorial staff has nothing against the legendary loveliness that comes from an experienced woman teaching a young buck the ways of the world. We just have a problem with the jumping-out-of-the-cake nature of this bombshell and the absolute lack of sexual chemistry it conjures up. This love connection rivals Melissa Etheridge and David Crosby. It certainly doesn't have any of the panache of let's say, Doris Day and Rock Hudson or Wayland Flowers and Madame for that matter.

Well, we wish all involved the best, because careers are slouching towards nadirs and I guess at this point all they have are memories. Lurid, tabloid-esque, I need to take a shower kind of memories that most of us could've done without.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Paula Abdul we know and love - Welcome Back!

The batshit loopy PR nightmare that was the Paula Abdul of last season appeared to have been a victim of a summer rendition who was spirited away somewhere never to be heard from again. The new Paula had come into this season of American Idol shockingly lucid and dare I say, competent. Hell, she even pooped out a pablum dance number with pop associate Randy Jackson. Well, someone left the gate open, because the boozin', Xanax poppin, word-slurrin' sloppy cougar is back and American Idol just got interesting again.

In short, last night's show had each contestant perform two Neil Diamond songs (yes, viewers were subjected to 10 Neil Diamond songs in total). At the halfway mark, the judges gave their appraisals (even though stick-boy Seacrest stated earlier that they were going to give their comments after they performed all the songs...whatever). Anyway, when the camera got to Paula she shuffled her notes like a crazy lady at the market trying to find a cat food coupon and proceeded to give one contestant first song and second song critiques (even though he had yet to perform the second song) while everyone looked on aghast, embarrassed and amused. Randy and Simon tried to help her out to no avail; she just kept digging and looking like a 107 year-old woman at her own birthday party.

Simply put, if Paula's drinking again, I'm watching again!

Charlie Rose by Samuel Beckett

This is why inexpensive video editing software and the Internet were invented. Genius.

"Elitist" my ass

Let's see, he eloquently ripped the veil off of racism on live television and displayed it to the nation; annunciated how it's been percolating on both sides beneath political correctness for the past 30-odd years. And now, in a rather clumsy off-the-cuff statement, he's getting labeled an "elitist" by opponents for facts that the actual people he refers to admit freely. There's a certain glimpse one can get at another's character when they don't shy away from calling bullshit on their detractors. Especially when those detractors own eight homes, fly on corporate jets and have difficulty sourcing millions of dollars stated on tax returns, yet still claim to be simple down home gun-totin' Christian folk fightin' for the little man.



With that said, Cerebral Itch has some special edition t-shirts on the drawing boards. Let us know which one you would wear. If enough of you like a particular one, we'll go to print with it next week.

You know where we stand, where do you?

Fantasy Obit: Naomi Campbell

She's spitting on police now - literally! The long in the tooth and short on the temper has-been supermodel spit on a cop at London's Heathrow airport in yet another altercation. If she was a guy, somebody would have soundly and justifiably kicked her skinny ass by now and if she was a dog, they would have...well, you get my drift.

Cerebral Itch American Idol Update: Dolly Parton Jumps the {Jesus} Shark Last Night

As our regular readers know we've been keeping our powder dry and not commenting on the latest season of American Idol. Despite the fact that it's been touted as the most talent-packed gathering of young singers we frankly haven't seen anything particularly newsworthy or any performances nearing the level of excellence we all enjoyed during the Fantasia/Jennifer Hudson season 3 (okay, that David Cook/Billie Jean number was pretty cool).

But last night, the gods or should we say Jesus smiled on us. Dolly Parton was the relic they trotted out this week for the contestants to cover and last night she performed her new song - Jesus and Gravity. Yes, that's correct, a pop song that combines religion and science - bold. From the sweet affable hillbilly pixie who gave us classics like Jolene, 9 to 5 and Here you come again we got an off-pitch, screechy Jesus song one might see on a Sunday morning cable channel Christian ministry hootenanny. According to the lyrics, Jesus has wings and he's Dolly's friend. So much so she blurted his name 11 times in the song and each time made Simon Cowell convulse in pain. So in short, Dolly Parton jumped the shark last night and went from country music icon to loony, cat loving church lady.

One must admit that the best part of the night was when, at the close of the song, she pointed at the judges and screamed, "Hallelujah Simon!" and chatted with Ryan Seacrest about how she has Jesus and he has Simon. It was the most bizarre and painful thing to watch Seacrest be gracious yet see his face contorted into a fake smile masking sympathy. Thank god for Simon though; his face masked nothing but contempt for Dolly who had just alienated huge swaths of his TV audience with a crappy Christian-based song that had no mainstream commercial appeal or financial upside. It was American Idol after all.

Children of the Corn for real

Now we have a panoply of things that could really kill us: crossing the street, drug-resistant staph, the weather, etc. But none of those things rarely rise to the level of fear like during our morning commute fretting whether or not we DVR'd our favorite show. But then there are those few things, so irrationally implausible, yet conceivable that make us piss our knickers. Like city dwellers afraid of poisonous snakes or rural folk afraid of black people. But I think the one thing we can all agree on that would make you want to sit in your locked house with a loaded rifle on your lap is a pack of Ritalin-crazed third graders with the intent to stab you with a dull steak knife.

Stephen King plot notwithstanding, the very thing was just uncovered at an elementary school in Waycross, Georgia. Some teacher had apparently reprimanded a little hellion for standing on a chair and by doing so, she apparently crossed the line for these kids where retribution became necessary. So instead of drawing obscene pictures of her on their pee-chee folders, about nine kids banded together and whipped up a plan and a gym bag of evil with handcuffs, duct tape, a paperweight for rendering her unconscious and a busted steak knife for the denouement.

According to law enforcement, the types of students this teacher makes her paycheck from are students with learning disabilities, including attention deficit disorder, delayed development and hyperactivity. Add homicidal tendencies to the list and she gets a raise.

Now one could see teenagers doing this or your run of the mill disgruntled office worker, but a bunch of wee tots? Maybe it's time to cut junior's sugar intake, TV viewing and lift the spanking moratorium for the next 10 years. Seriously, what do you do with a bunch of kids that have conspiracy to commit a malicious act involving cutlery on their student record? How the hell does a future teacher discipline a kid who has whispering Gregorian chants on their iPod? I'll tell you how you straighten these pups out: Ship them off to Guantanamo. Most of us have issues with a vast majority of the current inmates being deprived due process and murky extensions of civil liberties. But a bunch of little f%#kers who think it's cool to ice their third grade teacher. God knows me and the majority of parents just trying to do the right thing would cough up $39.95 for pay-per-view to watch those kids shuffling around sugar-free in shackles and a snappy orange jumpsuit with Sergeant Dontfuckwithme teaching them who really has the bigger gym bag of evil.