Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Children of the Corn for real

Now we have a panoply of things that could really kill us: crossing the street, drug-resistant staph, the weather, etc. But none of those things rarely rise to the level of fear like during our morning commute fretting whether or not we DVR'd our favorite show. But then there are those few things, so irrationally implausible, yet conceivable that make us piss our knickers. Like city dwellers afraid of poisonous snakes or rural folk afraid of black people. But I think the one thing we can all agree on that would make you want to sit in your locked house with a loaded rifle on your lap is a pack of Ritalin-crazed third graders with the intent to stab you with a dull steak knife.

Stephen King plot notwithstanding, the very thing was just uncovered at an elementary school in Waycross, Georgia. Some teacher had apparently reprimanded a little hellion for standing on a chair and by doing so, she apparently crossed the line for these kids where retribution became necessary. So instead of drawing obscene pictures of her on their pee-chee folders, about nine kids banded together and whipped up a plan and a gym bag of evil with handcuffs, duct tape, a paperweight for rendering her unconscious and a busted steak knife for the denouement.

According to law enforcement, the types of students this teacher makes her paycheck from are students with learning disabilities, including attention deficit disorder, delayed development and hyperactivity. Add homicidal tendencies to the list and she gets a raise.

Now one could see teenagers doing this or your run of the mill disgruntled office worker, but a bunch of wee tots? Maybe it's time to cut junior's sugar intake, TV viewing and lift the spanking moratorium for the next 10 years. Seriously, what do you do with a bunch of kids that have conspiracy to commit a malicious act involving cutlery on their student record? How the hell does a future teacher discipline a kid who has whispering Gregorian chants on their iPod? I'll tell you how you straighten these pups out: Ship them off to Guantanamo. Most of us have issues with a vast majority of the current inmates being deprived due process and murky extensions of civil liberties. But a bunch of little f%#kers who think it's cool to ice their third grade teacher. God knows me and the majority of parents just trying to do the right thing would cough up $39.95 for pay-per-view to watch those kids shuffling around sugar-free in shackles and a snappy orange jumpsuit with Sergeant Dontfuckwithme teaching them who really has the bigger gym bag of evil.

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