Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Don and Sancho forever

My Apologies again to everyone who tuned in Sunday morning to see me on Face The Nation with Bob Shieffer; I was supposed to be on to speak about the documents that I will be presenting Friday at a CSPAN meet 'n greet breakfast requesting that Alberto Gonzales, U.S. Attorney General admit he is no longer a Mexican.

It appears by all accounts, he has undergone the same procedure that Michael Jackson endured to eradicate his ethnicity as well (Jacko also ponied up a few extra bucks to be bleached and neutered). Turns out the Justice Department got wind of my appearance and put the screws to the folks at CBS. No sooner did I step out of my town car that I was met by the FTN producers to tell me I was being bumped for Sen. Chuck Schumer D-NY who was going to call only for his resignation. As if that wasn't bad enough, as soon as I got back into the car, my Blackberry goes off alerting me that Cerebral Itch is going to be audited next week.

Last Tuesday a small FedEx package ended up at our office door containing documents that laid out the slow descent of one Alberto Gonzales, who according to the evidence likes to now be called, Bert Gonnagle. The unsigned cover letter makes three simple conclusions that no Mexican male in his right mind is going to 1: happily work for more than one dumb gringo at a time (POTUS, Meirs, Rove, et al) if he doesn't have to 2. Ever use the word "quaint" and 3. Wear lifts. The document goes on to make the startling literary comparison (ironically a Spanish one) that Bert Gonnagle bears an uncanny resemblance to the fictional character Sancho Panza, the loyal sidekick to the delusional man of La Mancha, Don Quixote. Sancho is described as "Don Quixote's actual manservant [who] follows his master, puzzled but obedient. Riding a mule, [helping] el Quixote get out of scrapes while blithely looking forward to rewards of aventura that Quixote [promises] him.

The evidence and literary doppelganger are compelling as are the instances that have defined his career. He ham-handedly extricated Governor Bush from jury duty in 1996 and smoothed over the fact that he didn't disclose his 1976 drunk driving conviction during jury selection, helped Cheney lock up evidence surrounding the now infamous White House energy powwow with Enron as well as other shady folk and who could forget him getting all snuggly with his old boss John Ashcroft in penning the Patriot Act.

Through all this unquestionable loyalty to his superiors he was soon rewarded with an appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States. Pardon me, my error. He was passed over twice for that promotion...Hey wait a minute, he still is a Mexican!

1 comment:

iltsurf said...

I am sure if Gonzales was a good liberal things would be sooo much different. I wonder if he even speaks "Espanol?" hahahahaha