Sunday, March 04, 2007

The baby isn't the shocking part

It's a beautiful Sunday morning here in San Diego. The air is crisp. the sky clear and the promise of a new day beckons. One would almost be swayed to think the world is without war and ugliness.

Well that last part went down the shitter in the amount of time it took to come across this story: Baby comes as shock - The mother didn't know she was pregnant until she had carried the fetus to full term. At first glance I thought "oh another dumbass teen pregnancy" then I clicked through to the article and have been nursing a cup of peppermint tea to settle my stomach ever since. Apparently Ms. April Barnum of Garden Grove, CA, who is currently weighing in at 420 lbs didn't know she had a bun in the oven due to her massive girth. April got a tummy-ache last Monday, went to the hospital, they x-rayed her abdominal area (don't even get me started on how much radiation had to be used to penetrate her gut - I bet the radiology department is still glowing), and discovered the bundle of joy. Two days later, little Walter (note: fat kid name) was born.

So this is where I'm mildly apoplectic: Somebody had sex with April! Now there are people we know of that do some crazy shit in this world; i.e. scale Everest, circumnavigate the globe in a balloon and even go to Kenny Chesney concerts where we find ourselves saying, "good for them and their insanity, but not for me." But in the case of April Barnum, her fiancé Walter Edwards II lit some candles, pounded some 2 buck Chuck, took a deep breath and tapped that ass. Yep, think about it; not too long though, but try to think back to those exceptionally long periods of celibacy in your life where you wondered "am I ever going to get laid?!" and here we have big April showing us all up by getting some. And let me leave you with this last tidbit. The kid was delivered c-section; probably not her choice but the doctors who thought the view would be better from up top.

Thanks for reading, I'm going to go pack my bags now, because I'm going to Hell for this one.

6 comments:

iltsurf said...

PJC, that was way funny...I can't stop laughing!!!

jukebox said...

Do you think that when the doctor x-rayed her, his first thought was "Oh my god! She ate a baby!"

jukebox said...

Separated at birth?

Sharon said...

Jesus; Chamberlain did you take an extra shot of truth serum with your Special K this morning? Your musings are hysterical.

AscorpionGuy said...

You crack me up!
And, by the way, 2 Buck Chuck has become 3 Buck Chuck. But I'm not a wino.

kerry said...

Let April be a lesson to us all. When going through those long miserable bouts of celibacy you mentioned, now I have proof that "there really is someone out there that will f*ck anything", and I'll know I just need to look a little harder and I'll find him. Thanks Paul for inspiring me yet again!