Monday, June 18, 2007

This show is evil

There is a television show that so reeks of evil, you should watch it from a tub of holy water while smoking crystallized insulin. It's veiled exploitation resides in its attempts to pass itself off as an tear-soaked humanitarian orgy fueled by angel kisses and the duplicitous largess of corporations. The show: Extreme Makeover | Home Edition.

What makes this show more despicable than most reality crap with an emotional hook is that this show is one big goddamn commercial for ABC, DISNEY, SEARS/KENMORE and any other company who sees their collective soul as a burden and wants to slough it off by taking part in some egregious product placement. Check out the "As Featured On" section of their website to see how you could buy the very products emotionally wrecked families get for free.

You know the sell: One family ridiculously shat on by a vengeful god, makes low-quality VHS tape talking about how they live in squalor and then boom, "Move that bus!" they got themselves a model home that f*cks up the property values of their neighbors and saddles them with property taxes they'll never be able to pay. It also sets the kids up for some serious ridicule later in life. The designer morons love to do theme rooms for the kids. Say a kid likes animals, they get a room that looks like the foyer at a Rainforest Cafe. So when the kid finally grows up and is a sophomore in high school, they'll have to put up with "hey, you the dork that sleeps in the kiddie indoor tree house?"

Well, last night they decided to go for the gold and just throw all pretense out the window and kick up the maudlin meter to 11. The Gilliam family (tragedy to come) got a new house but only after their backstory was played for the makeover jagoffs in their magical bus. It seems that the Gilliam's were your basic dollop of Americana complete with the inability to use birth control and a great dad who was crafting their dream home with his own hands, of course this was in between being a volunteer fireman and saint. Well, dad died from a lethal dose of irony; apparently he suffered an allergic reaction to the mold in the house he was remodeling. And to hammer it home, they played the frantic 911 call of the wife hysterically screaming about her convulsing husband frothing at the mouth with the heart rendering final line "you must not leave me!".

Yesiree, that's the kind of quality family programming that regularly places this show an the top of the ratings heap. Fine, keep giving away free crap; make families cry and neighbors jealous. Just don't let Ty drive the bus.

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