Karl Rove is back! Not tanned, still fat and doing what he does best: scaring people

Former deputy chief of staff to President George W. Bush and pudgy spawn belched from the hermaphroditic skin-fold of a satanic underling, Karl Rove - decided sloth was not going to be one of his usual favorite seven deadly sins this past weekend and wrote an op-ed piece for the newly soiled Wall Street Journal. In this tidy little missive, he gives the reader his take on why Senator Clinton grabbed New Hampshire from the maw of rampant Obama-friendly prognostication.

At first glance it reads as a back-handed endorsement for the former first lady. He gives four fabulous reasons why she won and why she is the superior candidate. Which is understandable when one realizes that Karl goes all a-twitter thinking about pitting a candidate against the most politically galvanizing force for Republicans since Communism or for that matter, the SUV tax credit. But nestled in his musings are some of the most sublime racist comments one could make without being beat with a brick in a dark parking structure. Granted, the majority of the Wall Street Journal editorial page readership is not going to rise up and demand that this man be asked just what he meant by saying the following things about the junior senator from Illinois:

"He is often lazy"

"His trash talking was an unattractive carryover from his days playing pickup basketball at Harvard"

"Mr. Obama chose soaring rhetoric and inspirational rallies. While his speeches galvanized true believers at his events, his words were neither filling nor sustaining for New Hampshire Democrats concerned about the Clintons and looking for a substantive alternative"

Granted, taking 25 words out of 1,312 minus their contextual placement is somewhat dubious (plus, white men can also be called lazy; see Fred Thompson), but when you take into consideration the malevolent genius of Karl Rove - The god damned Johnny Appleseed of fear - harvesting and understand that the higher echelon of the Republican base is being spoon-fed a concoction that consists of a feminist-socialist lesbian wife of a shill president or a lazy, jive-talking, b-ball playing huckster boy politician from Chicago. Too harsh? Lest we forget the now legendary story of how he smirked and then looked the other way in 2000 when "push-pollers" began calling voters in South Carolina asking them how they felt that John McCain had a black child out of wedlock (the fuel for this fire? John and Cindy McCain adopted a child from Bangladesh).

Rove's ability to triangulate issues and interweave them with subtle strereotypical imagery would be fun to read if it was fiction. Unfortunately in real life, the fat master has stirred and is testing the waters to see if his style of politics still plays. Rest assured, if Clinton surges in the run-up to Super Tuesday and begins to secure the nomination, Rove will breathe a sigh of relief that he doesn't have to go up against the lazy basketball player that has a good chunk of the nation on their feet screaming and hoping for change.

Scott McClellan: Stuttering Endomorph and Passive-Aggressive Whistle Blower

The smart money would definitely not have been on former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan to grow a set of balls and come back swinging like the fat kid on the playground who was tired of being bullied. But when you examine it in that context, it kind of makes sense.

From day one, McClellan was never taken seriously. He was derided, bludgeoned and ridiculed for being far from photogenic and articulate. Ari Fleischer was a tough act to follow. Fleischer delivered the lies with a stern fluidity and authority the president lacked. Plus, he looked like a guy that knew his shit and could probably hold his own in the parking lot if provoked. McClellan alas, was the spherical rube who always got picked last for recess t-ball. It's no wonder they followed him up with the arrogant water-carrying polished media-whore and WASP, Tony Snow.

So when no one was looking, little Scotty penned a book and apparently he could've saved himself a lot of time if he had skipped the other 379 pages and just written the one with the following passage:

"The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White house briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby. There was one problem. It was not true. I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration "were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice President, the President's chief of staff, and the president himself." From his book, What Happened, which is to be published next April by Public Affairs.

Paging Patrick Fitzgerald, paging Patrick Fitgerald...

Former White House Counsel, John Dean squealed on Nixon during Watergate confirming a cancer was indeed upon the White House; the parallels are being drawn today with McClellan and his little bombshell. The only variable in all of this is Congress. Could this confused cluster of cowards finally have the cudgel to bring this band of thugs to justice? Hey, if McClellan could grow some, maybe the Congress can too? Yeah, I know. Not where the smart money is.

Now that's accountability - Chinese Style

Many of you have heard about our dear friend and benevolent trading partner China making toys for Mattel with the added bonus of yummy lead paint flavoring and intestinal scrambling chiclet-sized magnets. But did you know about their fantastic rewards program for executives?

Well, it seems that the Chinese Santa's workshop from hell, Lee Der was ordered by the Chinese government to cease all manufacturing, causing a total loss to the company of around $30 million. Completely understandable considering the shame brought to the image of efficient inexpensive Chinese manufacturing and the rumor that China had in fact hired Michael Brown as their trade safety minister. But where this little story really goes off the rails is how the Lee Der factory manager, Zhang Shuhong, handled his on-the-job performance: he hanged himself in a warehouse - perhaps a little rash from an HR standpoint.

Obviously the Chinese have a lot to learn from us. For instance, in 1993 Jack in the Box killed four kids and made hundreds of people throughout the western United States sick as hell via e.coli contamination. None of the executives lost their jobs and the combination of nimble P.R. and a quick settlement of around $16 million with the promise that they'll do the patties well-done let everyone get on with their business. Tidy.

And look at our rotund gelatinous friend Karl Rove: divided a country with pernicious political strategies, decimated a political party to the point where presidential candidates avoid him at functions and was more than complicit in selling an expensive little dust-up in Iraq that has hurt a few people. I guess the point is, it's a good thing Karl or even a lot of his office buddies for that matter don't live in China considering the shame that they've brought this country; poor Zhang certainly wouldn't have been swinging in that warehouse alone. But thank goodness Karl lives in the U.S. so he can go on to make millions of dollars instead telling his side of the story. Tidy.

Oh why focus on the negative, he did help Mrs. Wilson get an early retirement from the CIA and that was awfully nice of him.

A letter to a public servant, who never really served the public

Dear Karl,

If we ever see your fat ass on the street we will show you a real "thumpin'" you cowardly conniving son of a bitch who has no regard for the constitution or respect for the people who still believe this country can heal after all of the Machiavellian mouse traps you constructed to put and keep your functionally illiterate puppet in power.

May your days from here on in grow dark and lonely - you deserve nothing less.

Signed,

The Left, Right and everybody else you laughed at from on high

p.s. Sheryl Crow knows where you live

Doomsday Math

When a man can piss on the Constitution for over six years and still be able to boogie in the same 24-hour period that a young hermaphrodite reminds us all that inbred cultural illiterates shape pop culture is when you've got solid confirmation that you can max out all the credit cards; because it's all going to be over pretty soon now anyway.

Hi Boomers, we'll take it from here - UPDATED

Many things have been said about the twenty and thirty-something centrist/liberal voter. Most have been derisive and dismissive; "apathetic", "insular" and "imbued with a sense of entitlement” are the most popular and for the most part, accurate sobriquets frequently used to describe. But in all successful open societies, complexity gives way to equity. Balancing out apathy is frustration, insularity has focus and entitlement stokes ambition. When you have a segment of the population that consists of frustrated, focused and ambitious individuals nearing a presidential election in the current climate empowered with tools that give unprecedented influence to voice, you're going to have change on a historic scale. That change began in earnest last week.

In a brilliantly guerilla-esque ad, an unknown Barack Obama supporter (update 3/21/07: identity revealed on the Huffington Post) took the old Apple/Ridley Scott 1984 Super Bowl ad and remastered it complete with digital enhancements ('O-08 logo on the shirt, iPod fastened to hip, etc.) to make Mrs. Clinton into Big Brother. Especially biting was the video of Mrs. Clinton that was used; it was her well received cozy sofa chat debut video off of her own website.

Intelligent, skilled and motivated and not connected to Madison Avenue or political consultant firms are the people that are going to wrest this country back from the establishment. Dying on the vine are Karl Rove's mythical mailing lists and creaky prime-time swift boat ads. Their replacements: blogs, facebook pages, homemade viral videos and meet-ups. Who needs street rallies when you can create an ad in your pajamas purely because you believe and end up on all three of the major news websites (MSNBC, FOX, CNN) the following Monday morning.

In 1979, the futurist Alvin Toffler coined the word ''prosumer". Initially, it referred to an individual who would have influence over their purchases (a mash-up of the words ''producer" and ''consumer.") Today, the term applies readily to anyone who has an innate understanding of the web, technology and branding; because in actuality, we're not just voters anymore but informed consumers who would like to upgrade from the current model.

Tuesdays are a bitch, just ask Scooter

So I thought I would be able to get a post up sooner, but my responsibilities as an alternate juror in the Lewis "Scooter" Libby case precluded me from doing so. It seems the raucous group that dropped the hammer on the little patsy today wanted to enjoy a $2 well drink/buffalo wing special down the street from the courthouse at a Bennigan's in celebration. One thing led to another and I'm sitting here at the bar with my laptop blogging while drunk off my ass with Tucker Carlson trying to get me to go in on Jello-shots for some barely-legal Georgetown hotties who keep looking this way. Frankly, the man bugs the shit out of me with all his sordid tales of how he is now "swimmin' in ass" since his foray on Dancing with the Stars.

I know several of the Sunday morning pundits praised our jury for being "analytical" and "careful" in the pursuit of truth; but I'd like to see their faces when practically every one of the jurors either mooned or flipped the bird to Libby's armored SUV as he drove past us. I think Libby's crew were actually going to come in but then recognized this lynch mob and beat feet outta here.

In about 20 minutes we're leaving to go out to Greta Van Susteren's for cocktails and then over to the Sofitel Hotel for a victory party the Wilson's are throwing. The last time we were out at Gretta's she had Neil Cavuto in a cupid's outfit for a Valentine's Day/Birthday gag for Brit Hume. I frankly was astonished at how accommodating Cavuto was for this sort of thing but then someone who goes to the same gym as he told me that Cavuto thinks he's hung and hoped the cherub outfit would support that rumor. Judging how most of the ladies were extending their pinkies while drinking after he would walk by, I took that as a silent statement of contradiction. It was a hoot nonetheless.

But I digress, Scooter Libby took the fall today for his Dick as well as Karl Rove, who most likely will be knocking back Chardonnay and laughing atop his stack of vintage 1920's Negress porn that yet another political bullet has whizzed past his head.

Okay, it appears that the bus DailyKos chartered for us is here - if I remember half of what happens tonight or don't end up in a dress, I'll be shocked.