Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad is offline for the rest of the week and then some

Due to the ever-increasing responsibilities foisted on us by the Alberto Gonzales defense team and our contractual obligations as speech writers for the Duncan Hunter presidential campaign, the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad will be offline till April 30th, 2007. Plus, we need to get drunk and loosen up every once and a while just like most of you reprobates. Don't worry, we'll let you all know about our bender when we sober up.

That is all

We're gonna miss you, you crazy ol' Ruskie

He defended democracy on top of a tank and rallied a proud people into a new era. Unfortunately his protégé cum dictator is unraveling his legacy and spirit. With that said, thanks for the memories Boris. You sure as hell weren't perfect, but you were a hoot.

Hi everybody, it's Saturday! Sing along!
and it's an homage to the zany early 70's

Cerebral Itch presents
Tiny Tim
The original Sanjaya
performing
Tiptoe Through the Tulips

This'll brighten your day

Happy Birthday Elena!

Our long national nightmare is over

Well, finally something good happened this week. I'll just leave it at that.

I could use a drink right about now

Apologies to the readers of the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad for the irregular posting schedule you've been subjected to for the past couple of weeks.

They say confession is good for the soul, so allow me to be good to my soul. The reason for the less-than-stellar performance has been due to the disproportionate allocation of resources towards assisting in the Alberto Gonzales defense and getting over the grief of not being the father of Dannielyn. I know we'll be back on track soon, because despite the above somber notes; the world glistens with nothing but happiness and brotherhood.

Cerebral Itch gets some more press, again - courtesy of Zink magazine

Well, we pulled it off again. We had the good fortune of being featured in the oh so trendy ZINK magazine. This is what they had to say about us:

Men and women often have trouble communicating, especially when it comes to love. So if you're not sure how to tell your MySpace honey that you're ready to take things to the next level, let a Cerebral Itch greeting card do the talking for you: "Look, I'm as shocked as you are that our online nastiness followed by a no-strings-attached, drunken, dirty sheet hookup actually produced something meaningful." Cerebral Itch cards are witty and honest enough to both amuse and flatter your friends and loved ones, and with such a wide selection to choose from, you'll find one for every occasion, including birthdays, breakups, declarations of love, interventions, baby showers, coming out parties and more. Play your cards right at Cerebralltch.com.
Kiki Kruz

Hi everybody, it's Saturday! Sing along!

and just because it's been one of those kind of weeks,
we thought we'd clean up the joint with some legitimate genius

Cerebral Itch presents
Ms. Ella Fitgerald
The undisputed grand dame of jazz
performing
How High the Moon

You don't belong here or have a pulse if this doesn't make you laugh

Dogs will always be the best blood pressure medicine the good lord ever created. And piss off if you think this is a lame post. It's Friday the thirteenth and I'm just playing it safe by making this quick and getting the hell away from any electrical devices. [big shout out to A#1 Cerebral Itch fan, Kerry for this nugget]

"Legs" Scarnato shown the door on American Idol

Well, another snoozer hit the airwaves last night in the form of the most worthless American Idol yet. Case in point: when the entertainment zenith of the show turns out to be a little sweet African girl showing her sketch of Simon Cowell with man-boobs, you've got problems.
And speaking of problems: Haley Scarnato. I believe that previous sentence is enough.
In short, everybody sucked...again. The producers tried to jack viewership by going after the Telemundo set with J-Lo doing a number from her new Spanglish album. She looked hot, but pissed that she had to be associated with this train-wreck. And the hermaphrodite made it through yet again. Why do I waste my time?

Imus drawn and quartered

April Winchell says it better than I ever could. Michelle Malkin gets her shots in too. I hate that venomous little twit but I have to give her her due on this one; she makes an excellent point.

Cerebral Itch ends up in Angeleno magazine

Far be it from me to hold back on the self-promotion so here it goes: We're cool and now the rest of the world knows it (hyperbole alert). It seems the classy and trendy folks over at Angeleno thought we met their editorial criteria and gave us some ink. Here's what they said about us:

Most people don't think divorces and breakups are milestones to celebrate. But don't tell that to the snarky minds behind Cerebral Itch, a new greeting-card company out of San Diego. Husband-and-wife team Paul and Kathleen Chamberlain just launched the business with a "Breakup Line" of paper keepsakes ($3.50 a piece) to mark the end of your month-long fling or five-year entrapment. Choose from zingers like, "Marriage did not agree with you, but thank god the judge did" or "Breakup fact: He was a jackass and he will most assuredly die alone." So what other inappropriate occasion will the couple tackle next? Paul says they might just tap into the disposable income of the AARP crowd: ''I'm tempted to take a shot at bereavement cards-it's a boomer growth market, you know." - Sasha Fedulow

Damn! That's what I get for betting the longshot

Look, only Anna Nicole is more tired of this story than we are and she's dead. We all knew Larry was the father; but damn it, how badly did we want Zsa Zsa's crazy half-ass faux prince to be the papa. If you listen closely, you can hear Entertainment Tonight producers throwing themselves out their windows because this saga just took a hard right turn into snooze-ville. Ooh wait, there is the fight for the old man's money. Scratch that, I'm popping the popcorn now.

Al Roker leads America out of darkness

There are times when life itself wields a heavy hammer and that hammer recently descended on the souls of Americans. And I believe I speak for everyone when I say, thank the good lord Jesus for Al Roker. Yes, that Al Roker.

Okay, okay, you got me; I’m kidding.

Roker, Today Show bench warmer and gastric bypass champion, has seen fit to take a stand regarding sack-of-bones Don Imus and his racist comments about the Rutgers women’s basketball team. “It is time for him to go.” Roker oh so eloquently stated, “I, for one, am really tired of the diatribes, the “humor” at others’ expense, the cruelty that passes for ‘funny’”.

Let's get something straight here; when you've got Al Roker chiming in on race and broadcasting you know it's a non-issue. That's not to say that Imus' comments were not repugnant, reprehensible and demand commensurate penalty (screw the two week suspension - slap him with a cool multi-million dollar penalty, check payable to Howard and Rutgers Universities - that'll leave a welt). But these comments, for the most part, were heard by white males 25-54 who probably found them humorous and who are not going to be changing their societal views very soon while leasing a Prius and voting for Mrs. Clinton. There's a reason John McCain is still going to be on Imus' show; he represents a key demographic of his listeners.

Al Sharpton too got his licks in via a schadenfreude bitch-slap fest on his own radio show. To his credit, Imus sat there and took it solo while the Reverend Al Sharpton pontificated and berated Imus for the benefit of his eleven or so listeners. And just for the sake of political and cultural contrast, you think Obama's going to touch this one? Not a chance. He is someone from another generation determined to carry public discourse and perceptions to a higher level. He represents where we're headed, not where we've been. [UPDATE: Obama did touch this one with a hint of pomposity and a dash of rancor]

Yet believe it or not, there's a common thread that binds people like Imus, Sharpton and Roker. That thread is called irrelevance. No one of an impressionable age and/or intellect really listens to these men with rapt attention. Does anyone really care about the rambling comments of some old coot literally being held upright by his crusty microphone? Likewise about a black gadfly media whore who's on speed dial of unimaginative talk show producer's cellphones when they need to play the race card and most of all, nobody cares about Al Roker; he's Matt Lauer's sidekick for chrissake.

REJOICE! For he has risen...

and to properly celebrate,
Cerebral Itch presents
Super Chicken versus the Easter Bunny

Happy Easter

Hi everybody, it's Saturday! Sing along!

Cerebral Itch presents
Biz Markie
East Coast Rapper/DJ and experimental children's show host
performing
Yo Gabba Gabba

hit it!

Fighting ire with ire

It makes sense that Geraldo would be the perfect sparring partner for Shrill O'Reilly; except O'Reilly forgot that Geraldo at one time (a loooooong time ago mind you) was a brilliant and compassionate journalist and lawyer. This is what happens when someone pushes a bully back. Geraldo should've clocked the old bombastic son of a bitch.

On Notice

These two hacks annoy us - Kate O'Bierne and Donna Brazile
(O'Bierne is the National Review editor and water-carrying Bush administration suck-up. And just because we're fair and all about symmetry over here, Brazile is a party-line spewing Democratic apparatchik who ran the Gore-Lieberman campaign into the ground as well as any other democratic campaign she touched)

Somebody got kicked off American Idol and it wasn't the hermaphrodite

Okay, let's make this quick: the big-boned boring rocker chick got the boot. Haley Scarnato holds on by stealing a page from Antonella Barba's Handbook for Whores, showing off her fine Wessonality legs. Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, Sanjaya sails through yet again. The Josh Groban of jazz standards, Michael Buble stepped in for an "ailing" Tony Bennet; which translates into Tony had a brief moment of lucidity and realized what his people signed him up for and came down with the "flu" resulting in respectable crooner Harry Connick Jr. telling panicked Idol producers to "go f*ck themselves - my career ain't in the shitter" when asked to fill in. Buble was reportedly found in a hotel lounge off of LaBrea. In a futile effort to sober him up, he simultaneously received an ice-tub plunge and a coffee colonic then was quickly shoved on stage.

There, I just saved you some space on your Tivo.

Grumpy Old Men

Chilling does not begin to describe the above video. It is both a poignant metaphor and a literal statement as to how alone the President and Vice President are politically, intellectually, domestically and globally.

I wish I could feel sorry for them.

10 Things I Hate About Commandments

I just peed myself laughing. This is genius on a MF'n stick people. Brighten your day and watch this. Way to go Vayabobo.
(hats off to April Winchell again for teaching the world what is funny)

Tancredo pulls head out long enough to remove hat and throw it into '08 presidential ring

Throwing his hat in the ring today for the GOP presidential nomination was Representative Tom Tancredo (R-Colorado). Just to clarify, this action by Congressman Tancredo is the political equivalent of those best of the worst American Idol tryouts that end with tone-deaf ugly people leaving some nondescript Marriot in either tears or profanity. That's pretty much going to be this jackass in about six months.

Tancredo is best known for his ignorance and intolerance surrounding the immigration issue. That's about all this walking hate-stick has; that and less than a million dollars to try to pull his fantasy off. Here's a list of his best of, enjoy:

• Honorary Chairman of Americans Have Had Enough! a South Carolina pissy isolationist hate-club
• Called Miami a "Third World country" in a speech at Michigan State University
• Proposed bombing Mecca to send a message to the terrorists (then vehemently denied it and got caught lying on CNN - brilliant)

Oh yeah, and Tommy Thompson, former Wisconsin governor and Secretary of Health and Human Services under President Bush also declared his candidacy. Damn it, I just blew milk through my nose again.

CEREBRAL ITCH CEASES OPERATIONS

News Alert - San Diego, CA
Cerebral Itch, Inc. issued a statement earlier this morning announcing that at noon today (PST) all operations pertaining to greeting cards will cease. Cerebral Itch has contacted retailers explaining this decision and demanding that all Cerebral Itch greeting cards be either destroyed or returned to Cerebral Itch offices immediately.

"This was actually an easy decision.” stated Paul Chamberlain, Creative Director and Founder of Cerebral Itch. “It was a personal one and one that was made out of knowing what is right purely by the divine guidance of my lord and personal savior, Jesus Christ." Mr. Chamberlain continued to explain that he and his wife now realize that their cards are “distasteful, inappropriate" and do nothing to contribute to the evangelical Christian beliefs they now stringently adhere to. The Chamberlains will be taking an immediate sabbatical that will include teaching extension classes in biblical humor at Oral Roberts University and vacationing in the Ozarks with Joel Osteen and his family.

The business direction of Cerebral Itch is unknown at this point, but some industry analysts believe that this new development will lead to even more profits by the successful card company if they choose to set their sites on the Evangelical Christian population in the U.S.