Monday, September 17, 2007

Tony Snow: mouthpiece for Satan

We know we haven't posted in a few and to that we say: "get off our ass!". It's been another drunken blur thanks to the hijinks we kicked off last week celebrating the last day of work for Tony Snow.

And because most of us are still lit, I'm going to go out on a limb here and state something quite provocative: Tony Snow is, was and will forever be an asshole. I had to either shoot out the TV like Elvis or leave the room every time a news anchor or correspondent began to sniffle and wax melancholy over Tony. Fine. we know the man is dealing with cancer and we had to watch him slowly getting ravaged by chemo, but lest we forget the man was a sanctimonious shill who served as the first line of defense for the Bush Administration.

Check out this collection of his greatest hits:

Tony Snow on Iraqi Occupation
Tony Snow on Scooter Libby
Tony Snow on the Attorney Scandal
Tony Snow on Al Qaeda
Tony Snow just plain lying

Do you honestly think when he sits down with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he's going to get a fast-pass through to heaven? I imagine it would go something like this:

St. Peter: So Anthony, it says here that you defended an illegal war, a corrupt administration and lied to people daily claiming it was in the best interest of their nation. And before that you worked for FoxNews - don't even get me started on that one...

Tony Snow: Now wait a minute St. Peter, I did my job to the best of my ability and had the respect and admiration of my colleagues. I also was a good father...

St. Peter: I'm going to cut you off right there Anthony. Do you have any concept as to how many borderline cases I get coming through here claiming they did their best? I'm still getting letters daily from Nixon and Harding begging me to let them in. You're going to have to sit there for 1000 years and reflect on the life you led and then maybe, and I mean maybe, I'll start processing your paperwork.

POOF! Big cloud of red smoke, the temperature shoots up about 35 degrees and cherubs start dropping from the sky

Minion of Satan: Hey Tony, name's Moloch, glad I was able to catch you. Say listen, my boss would like to extend an offer of employment to you. He's been looking for a person with your skill set for quite some time.

Tony Snow: Really? What's it pay? I don't know if you knew, but I saddled my family with a lot of debt just so I could juice my resume by becoming press secretary. I take it you can help me there?

Minion of Satan: Oh Tony please, bestowing obscene wealth is our specialty - we invented gambling for Christ sake, ooh did I say that? Sorry Peter. Anyway, you want the job it's yours. First class accommodations, restore you to your physical prime and we'll cater to whatever vice you got a jones for.

Tony Snow: I'm in, let me grab my flute.

Minion of Satan: Uh no. That's pretty much our only condition is that you no longer play any music. I mean for Christ sake, oops, sorry Pete my bad again; we invented Rock and Roll, Jazz and Hip Hop - We bring it white boy. We've seen you play and frankly, you make John Tesh look like Prince. We have standards Tony and you suck.

Tony Snow: Alright fine - you've got a deal.

Minion of Satan: All good here Pete? We can have this one?

St. Peter: Sure take him. I'm too busy as it is. Plus, I'll be sending you Cheney and Kissinger any day now. Just get out of here, you're scaring the new arrivals and stinking up the joint.

POOF!

1 comment:

iltsurf said...

You are such a Liberal!