Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Cerebral Itch on the road with Scooter, Leo and our own special little trouble making idiot, Veejay

I will definitely cop to the fact that we've been a little erratic on posting surrounding the holiday, but I thought we really had our act together in preparing for the editorial necessities of the 4th of July. Then GW goes and lets our buddy Scooter out of his cage last Monday and ever since we've been tangled up with Libby and his defense team in a drunken haze complete with celebratory streaking, pissing off balconies and 24/7 room service at the Ritz-Carlton. Washington D.C. was where we celebrated the 4th because I like to expose our editorial team from Bangalore to what makes this country great: K Street, executive power and laissez-faire morality D.C.-style. So the Scooter party was just a lucky break for all concerned.

No sooner were we paying bail and sober for about six hours then we got wrapped up in all the Live Earth crap. Al Gore had left us a few VIP passes at our hotel (he's still sweet on us for the coverage we gave him during Oscar time) and we figured if crooked conservatives could party, then tree-hugging juiced up artistic liberals could put us under the table; plus, they're way hotter. So we fueled up the Cerebral Itch Gulf Stream (on loan from Oprah - another story for another time) and popped over to New York. My main man and editorial manager, Veejay, who you may remember is still getting over the trauma of his run-in with Orangutan, swore he was going to get himself some Cameron Diaz. He has a bit of a penchant for inane mousy blondes with questionable hygeine; so by going to a liberal rock concert he was about to throw himself into nirvana.

I stayed a safe distance away from the hordes. I've been to Burning Man, I know how these things can get. Turns out Leonardo Dicaprio is a huge Cerebral Itch fan and loves to send the Beard Intervention card to Katie Holmes every month as a joke. Which led her to start firing back with Fraud cards. I love that we're part of a Hollywood feud. He heard I was around, had his people find me and twenty minutes later I was in his custom trailer knocking back lemon drops adorned with organic mint sprigs cavorting with a passel of Icelandic lingerie models while being attended to by two midget waiters wearing tuxedos, I kid you not; this is how Leo rolls.

As I'm enjoying the good Christian fellowship of the group in Leo's pad, I get a text message from Veejay saying he just got swept up by security. Well, it seems that Veejay did get in Cameron Diaz's personal space and made an ass out of himself. He got down on one knee, ripped open his shirt and pointed to his heart and told her to "come home where you belong Cammie!". He was tackled by the Live Earth shock troops, tasered and thrown in a makeshift pen for idiot law breakers. I replied back, "You're harshing my buzz - the Police are about to go on and I'm done pulling your ass out of a sling, I'll see you in the morning dumb ass". I settled back into the remarkably soft hemp couch with Falda and Brynhildur and reduced my carbon footprint with another drink.

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