Friday, March 28, 2008

Stories from the Future: Crazy Clinton Campaign Continues to Careen in 2022

DATELINE: March 28, 2022 - It has been six years since the celebrated Obama presidency ended, but former first lady and New York Senator Hillary Clinton still continues her campaign for the 2008 United States presidency.

Clad in one of her three faded trademark pantsuits looking all her 74 years and driving her own illegal petroleum fuel burning campaign bus, Mrs. Clinton can be found in one of three places, none of which are home: Michigan, Ohio and New Hampshire. They are the three corners of the sad trek of a woman who just can't face the facts that her presidential aspirations ended in the Spring of '08. It was when then-Senator Barack Obama made quick work of her in the remaining primaries as well as received the overwhelming endorsement from the majority of Super Delegates and Democratic party elders. Clinton refused to relent and campaigned throughout the remainder of the election season drawing smaller and smaller crowds in each city she visited. Her staff completely abandoned her by June of that year and Clinton was quickly forced to administer all facets of a quixotic presidential campaign. Her 2008 campaign was capped by her disorderly conduct arrest during the first Obama inauguration resulting in her forced resignation of her senate seat. Her campaign to this day is financed by minuscule donations (rumors persist that certain late-night talk shows are funding her campaign just for material) and revenue generated by online merchandise sales bearing her self-deprecating slogan "Hillary - Crazy for the presidency".

It's a sad sight to those who remember how the former Senator was a force to be reckoned with on issues debated on the senate floor. Once a stalwart crusader for universal healthcare and working class families; Clinton will be remembered for her canned insincerity, vindictive campaigning and grandiose embellishments of her executive record while First Lady. The negatives quickly sank a campaign that in 2007 brandished the veneer of inevitability.

Today at a "rally" in a Lansing, Michigan Best Western conference room, Clinton spoke to 17 people with a voice that is hardly tired but completely shrill, continuing to push for the 2008 Michigan and Florida primary votes to be counted claiming they overwhelmingly favored her and reminding people of her Ohio and New Hampshire comeback victories of that same race. Needless to say, there are still Clinton "supporters" that come to her rallies. Usually never more than 20 people at each event, the attendees mostly consist of sincere older white women who still wish to see her or any woman in the White House and college students who consider being part of a Hillary rally a must-do on any spring break road trip. "She's out of her mind and it's hilarious!" Said Seth Gutierrez, Michigan State University freshman. "My parents would tell me stories of her time as First Lady and senator which I can't believe when I see her on stage singing the National Anthem and claiming she's fighting for me - you can't buy that kind of crazy from a pill".

Ironically, after the first Obama inauguration, it was former President Bill Clinton who left her in divorce citing irreconcilable differences. Many believe it should have been she who left him after the Monica Lewinsky affair, but she stayed married in what others also believe, was a calculated political play for her own presidency. The former President now lives out his golden years in Martha's Vineyard with supermodel and fifth wife, 23 year old Ava Elizabeth, daughter of Academy Award winning actors Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe. Estranged daughter and US Representative (NY - dist.14), Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky could not be reached for comment.

As the glare from the afternoon grows dim, so does the fire in her eyes as she tiredly hobbles into her ramshackle bus, angrily waving off any assistance. She claims that she's headed to Florida to lobby the state legislature for a new primary. This reporter didn't have the heart to tell her Florida no longer exists and that it's now the largest man-made reef in the world ever since the 2017 catastrophic global warm-up that submerged a majority of the gulf cities. Details like that don't deter a clinically insane woman who will let her detractors call her many things, except a loser and a quitter.

1 comment:

iltsurf said...

that was genius!!!