Friday, May 30, 2008

Well, at least we can make a guess at how that RFK gaffe fell out of her mouth

Okay, far be it from me to come to the Clinton's defense but man! What a hatchet job the New York Times and MSNBC did on her with one simple headline and a corresponding picture.

Apparently the junior Senator from New York likes her Maker's Mark at the end of a hard day of campaigning. And rumor has it she can drink the hardiest correspondent under the table like Indy's girlfriend Marion in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Like we're shocked.

But the picture they put with the headline "Clinton burnishes her cocktail credentials" is something you'd see in a 1963 Esquire issue. The juxtaposition of Hillary's picture (looking like she's singing raunchy bar songs) and the headline containing the word "cocktail" is pure editorializing and simultaneous comedic genius. It's the perfect weekend piece for the last remaining primaries since her campaign is so goddamned absurd. It's as if you could almost hear the editors going "fuck it, what's she going to do? Refuse an interview? Hell, it'll probably help her with Appalachia voters."

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Ricky says Hillary's Livin' La Vida Loca!

As someone once said, "you don't prune a dead tree" and when you're getting the endorsement of Puerto Rican native son, Ricky Martin to help you swing the Puerto Rico primary, you've ran out of live branches. Remember, this was the same idiot who shimmied and sang with W at his first inauguration so this kid can pick a winner.

But maybe his support of Hillary was in the cards all the time. I would like to present the chorus from the 1998 smash hit Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin. Now mind you, it's not the creepy caliber of say "Paul is dead" or Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz , but it'll do on a Thursday night.

Upside, inside out she's livin la vida loca {translated: uh, she's crazy)

She'll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca {translated: uh, she's crazy and and quite possibly a sassy "cougar"}

Her lips are devil red and her skin's the color mocha {translated: She's wearing the wrong shade as far as Ricky's concerned and he prefers more cream in his coffee than most if you know what I'm saying}

She will wear you out livin la vida loca Come On! {translated: She's overstayed her welcome being batshit crazy}

Livin la vida loca, Come on! {translated: You're living the crazy life, come now you poor woman}

She's livin la vida loca. {translated: You're living the crazy life Hillary}

Woke up in New York City in a funky cheap hotel {translated: Campaign funds are running out and accommodations are tight}

She took my heart and she took my money {translated: She has the Gay vote and will accept donations gladly}

she must've slipped me a sleeping pill {translated: She's no Obama when she gives a speech}

She never drinks the water and makes you order French Champagne {translated: She knows how to work the lobbyists and PACs}

Once you've had a taste of her you'll never be the same {editors note: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth}

Yeah, she'll make you go insane. {NO TRANSLATION NEEDED}

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Star Trek: The Sexed Generation

More YouTube hilarity. It's long, but so worth it for the money shot at 4:21 and the chicken at 6:33. Yes, chicken. This kind of mad scientist editing may de-throne Charlie Rose.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

You're goddamn right we're sore losers

Okay, for those of you who didn't hear, we got nominated for a LOUIE. What's a LOUIE you ask and why must it be typed in all caps? A LOUIE is the greeting card industry's highest award for excellence; an award that honors the creativity of its artists, writers and designers. The OSCAR of greeting cards if you will. Well, this year it is also affectionately known here at the Cerebral Itch offices as bullshit on a glass stand.

The LOUIE is handed out by the American Greeting Card Association; an august committee if there ever was one. Well these folks saw fit to select one of our cards for their "Superbly Stated" category. A category that is a recognition of editorial copy – greeting cards with original composition. They selected our sweet and smart "Cool Family Member" card. We're proud of this little card. Not only because it's a best-seller, but because it resonates with a lot of people in a very sweet way when a new baby comes into their lives. Here it is:

Well, we lost.

Who won you ask? Studio Expressio - For their card "owl love you forever". We've posted the card below so you could take in the touching majesty and savor what makes an award-winning card according to the American Greeting Card Association LOUIE judges.

Just the fact that we lost to a shitty pun is enough to make us bust up the office in a Tyler Durden-like rage. But for chrissake, to lose to a card that actually uses the line "wise birds always knew life's better when there's two - lucky me, lucky you" is all the evidence one needs to know that something tantamount to a briefcase full of non-consecutive $20's and hookers at the hotel gets you a LOUIE trophy; because it sure as hell ain't bang-up copywriting.

So how did we get over this devastating loss? Six bottles of a lovely Central California Coast Pinot Noir, five Honduran cigars and our makeshift backyard paint-ball shooting range festooned with Studio Expressio cards and LOUIE logos printed from our cheap-ass inkjet. To look at our offices this morning after assuaging our loss, you'd think we won.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Campaign died today in South Dakota. Zombie campaign imminent

You know, to be honest with you, I thought the above creation was a bit offside. Namecalling is never the paragon of social commentary nor is gender specific insult. But what the hell, we make funny cards. But today validated every single word on that shirt. Whether it be due to fatigue, calculation or outright lunacy, Hillary Clinton imploded on the public stage in the grandest and simultaneously most impotent fashion imaginable. Using both the word "assassination" and the horrific memory of RFK dying on the cold service hallway floor of the Ambassador Hotel as a historic buttress for a collapsing presidential plight ushers in the reaper to claim her sad tired husk.

The revulsion is palpable amongst the democratic cognoscenti and blogosphere. I think Keith said it best, albeit a bit more hysterical than one might call for.

Please go away Mrs. Clinton. Far away...and quietly.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

It's called blatant racism you politically correct obtuse twits!

It really takes something truly nauseating to top Hillary's performance last night as the tenacious defender who once again (yawn) declared taking her bankrupt and quixotic crusade to the final hill on behalf of the working class. But the most sickening performance of all was the constant faux-bewilderment of the pundits when examining Obama's 35 point loss in Kentucky. You could see the politically correct restraint just oozing out their powdered foreheads. I kept hoping against hope that someone would snap and just scream, "working class whites earning less than $50k with a high school education living in Appalachia are f%^$#ng functionally illiterate racist hillbillies who would drink battery acid before letting some 'negro' be I fired now?".

The West Virgina primary let the world peer into a disturbing microcosm that included bad grammar, great orthodontic need and racism. Enjoy the following video:

It appears that the Kentucky primary had equally if not more dour sociological results. According to the Associated Press, "About one in five whites said race played a role in choosing a candidate Tuesday — on par with results in several other Southern states. Nine in 10 of that group backed Clinton — the highest proportion yet among the 28 states where that question has been asked in exit polls." Contrast that with their exit poll findings from Oregon where only 1 in 10 said race was important to them. Oregon exit polling showed that Obama does get the working class white vote and added credence that his problem is endemic to Appalachia. Obama did pull Louisville and got solid support from college students and educated voters under 30...shocking.

Let's go out on a limb and say Hillary's victories throughout Appalachia are not primarily the result of an informed and inspired electorate who appreciate her nuanced legislative take on health care but instead putrid bigotry on a grand scale. What that means is that constitutional privilege was exercised by individuals who would rather vote for a white pandering political fixture with a sense of entitlement or a white elderly professional politician with odious associates who married into more money than their state has budgeted for education. Oh, and one more thing. Last night in Hillary's "victory speech" she used that great hackneyed suck-up line "As ___ goes, so goes the nation!"; this time inserting "Kentucky". Let's get something straight lady. I go nowhere Kentucky goes and I believe the other 49 states would agree.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Bush and the Saudis

It becomes quite obvious that you no longer engender respect when the Saudis quietly tell you to go f%# yourself and enjoy $4.00 gasoline. "Ally" definitely became a subjective term deserving of spirited context this weekend.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Loudmouths: Compare and Contrast

One of the inescapable phenomena in today's political climate are the plethora of pundits that threaten to block out the sun with their sheer numbers. There are those that stand out from the rest due to their bombast, intellect or sheer stupidity. We know the all-stars: Limbaugh, Savage, Malkin, Hannity and Beck. On the Left side of the shoutin' match you got your Olbermann, Maddow and Rhodes. What many people don't realize is that the intellectual prowess of one side kicks the living shit out of the other. Ironically, the side with the most followers, has the fewest credentials proving they have a little more than a smooth brain in their head.

All of this was brought to the fore by a blazingly enjoyable moment on Hardball with Chris Matthews. A little known right-wing radio commentator named Kevin James (not to be confused with fat d-lister Kevin James of CBS King of Queens fame) was paired with AirAmerica owner, Mark Green for an on-air debate surrounding another Bush fuck-up in which our President so much branded an unnamed Democrat an appeaser using the context of Hitler in front of the Israeli Parliament. Chris Matthews who fancies himself an armchair historian took it upon himself to do a little history check to see if James could back up his high-volume declaration that Barack Obama was an appeaser on par with Sudetenland seller, Neville Chamberlain. Well, this is what happened (grab some Kleenex now, because you're going to need it from the tears of laughter you'll be shedding):

The fact that this moron couldn't give Matthews a high school freshman rundown of WWII history brought to mind the fact that practically all of the right-wing pundits should be changing tires at Sears Auto Centers or putting together Happy Meals. Allow me to illustrate:

Rush Limbaugh: Flunked out after two semesters at Southeast Missouri State University and soon entered radio where he got his big break replacing Morton Downey Jr. We'll leave it at that.

Michael Savage: Probably the most educated of all, except none of it is germane to politics or journalism. Michael Savage aka Michael Alan Weiner (sometimes you can't make this shit up) has a Ph.D. from Berkeley in nutritional ethnomedicine. Which led him to be a disciple of LSD prophet Timothy Leary. A fan of Lenny Bruce and Alan Ginsberg, Savage was quite liberal in his day and somewhere around 1980 he went right...hard. Today, words like "fascist", "homophobic" and "bigot" follow Savage wherever he goes. Savage's book titles speak volumes, no pun intended: The Enemy Within: Saving America from the Liberal Assault on Our Schools, Faith, and Military, Liberalism Is a Mental Disorder and The Savage Nation.

Okay, enough with the Right-Wing nutjobs, let's examine the more vociferous liberal media megaphones.

Keith Olbermann: Host of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Olbermann's sails have caught the wind of Bush disapproval and as a more toned down love affair alternative to the likes of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Olbermann is considered ridiculously bright as evidenced in his graduation from high school at 16 and entry into Cornell University. He has had a rocky relationship with his employers such as ESPN and MSNBC, but assuages the occupational bumps with substance and awards, like the Edward R. Murrow Award he received for reporting from the site of the 9-11 attacks for 40 days on ABC Radio and Los Angeles radio station KFWB. His recent Special Comment about Bush giving up golf as a personal sacrifice in light of his war has caught fire online and galvanized rancor amongst Republicans and Democrats alike.

Rachel Maddow: Host of the Rachel Maddow Show on Air America Radio and frequent MSNBC Political Commentator. Maddow is a Rhodes Scholar by way of Stanford and Oxford. I'll stop right there out of mercy for the rest. Oh, and formerly of Fox News, John Gibson likes to point out she's a lesbian. Kudos to Maddow for not pointing out that he's an ugly retarded heterosexual.

At this point I will refrain from shining a light on the rest only to tell you that the trend continues on both sides. The right-wing punditry is pathetically outclassed on the intellectual front. Does this invite cries of elitism and bleeding-heart liberalism? Sure it does. But please remember back to when your functional illiterate bullies in grade school always made fun of the geeks and fags.

Gone are the days of Will, Buckley, Vidal and Mailer. Their mantle has been seized by loudmouth assholes with little regard for topical fact, history and a cursory knowledge of the constitution. Extinct are the moments on Dick Cavett where the intellectuals would square off and piss each other off in a cerebral three-dimensional chess game of one-upsmanship under the cloud of war (Viet Nam) or social unrest (Kent State). Now, it's who can yell the loudest, blame the boldest and get the hell out of the way fastest so their mindless pitchfork and torch bearing masses can do the rest.

Fine, give me my pitchfork. I'm with the geeks and fags.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Olberman goes all Howard Beale on the President's Ass - and rightly so

Vituperative brilliance aimed at an awful and stupid man. Seeing that his world came true, Paddy Chayefsky must be quite melancholy in heaven these days.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Ahoy Pedro

Aside from all the stellar jokes one could make about the Mexican Navy, this is just plain f*%$ed up.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Viva La Pequeña

I think I found Hillary's running mate.

{Didn't think I could top that Anderson Cooper Loves Bears video did you?}

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Hey Hillary! Here's your new campaign song

Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good lord split you.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Anderson Cooper Loves Bears

Jesus, I need to get the creative genius who did this hilarious editing mash-up on our staff.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Oh well now the Super Delegates can align

According to CNN, Elizabeth Taylor is endorsing Hillary Clinton.

I really don't think I need to say any more.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Cerebral Itch Movie Review: Iron Man

Summer is here and that usually means vapid movie fare on the likes of Prom Night or some half-assed comedy for tweens. Well, if Iron Man is any indication of what we can expect this summer, seeing stuff go boom just got a hell of a lot smarter, classier and fun.

Not to bore you with the details, Iron Man is yet another Marvel comic book adaptation. And that is the only connection it shares with it's brethren in the form of crap like the Fantastic Four and two out of the three Spiderman movies; this film ladies and gentlemen, does not suck - not even close.

Robert Downey Jr. plays the protagonist Tony Stark with great relish and gravity as every fanboy who ever read Iron Man wished him to be played. In the pantheon of skilled actors giving a fantasy role every ounce of their talent, Downey's Tony Stark is this year's Jack Sparrow. Jeff Bridges plays antagonist Obadiah Stane, a villain that Dick Cheney would have a man-crush on. Terrence Howard and Gwyneth Paltrow also do some fine work all under the direction of Jon Favreau (Swingers, Elf). This is a movie with four actors who, at one time or another, have been recognized by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences with either a nomination or Oscar; It shows.

Look, this movie is about a genius arms merchant/jackass playboy who has an epiphany at the hands of Afghani bastards and realizes he's part of the problem, leading him to manufacture an armed-to-the-teeth hi-tech exoskeleton that does things you only wish you could do stuck in rush hour. Cutting to the chase (as this movie does quite well), Iron Man is a wonderfully far-fetched, splendidly executed blast of a movie. It's worth your gas money, and that my friends is saying something these days.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

From the So Freaky Your Head Will Explode Files : Cher dated Tom Cruise

According to a yet to be aired interview conducted by Oprah, Cher discloses that long ago she dated and even shacked up with a then up and coming young actor named Tom Cruise. Yeah, I know. Let me print that for you again: Cher admits that long ago she dated and even shacked up with a then up and coming young actor named Tom Cruise.

Okay, aside from all the rumors about Cruise and his pansexual ways, the Scientology and his nutjob Manson-like intensity this has an eeew factor up there with AARP orgies. When you have the ultimate cougar, Cher, dishing with Oprah, who as far as we're concerned has the worst possible taste in celebrity friends (i.e. John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Jennifer Anniston, et al) film (Catwoman, Basic Instict 2, Bee Movie, et al) and music (Josh Groban, Il Divo, James Blount, et al) chattering like dirty old hags about banging the Risky Business kid twenty years ago you got yourself a shark jumping moment devoid of all dignity.

It easy to see why Cher dragged this chestnut out of the muck for all to imagine. She needs to juice her image for her new Vegas gig at Ceasar's Palace. But c'mon, why have we not heard of this before? "He was so wonderful. And I was so crazy about him," said Cher, "And he was so, like, different. He was a shy boy. He didn't have any money." And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the cougar prey profile : hot, shy, poor and 16 years younger - "c'mere and let mommy give you a special hug".

Now let it be said that the editorial staff has nothing against the legendary loveliness that comes from an experienced woman teaching a young buck the ways of the world. We just have a problem with the jumping-out-of-the-cake nature of this bombshell and the absolute lack of sexual chemistry it conjures up. This love connection rivals Melissa Etheridge and David Crosby. It certainly doesn't have any of the panache of let's say, Doris Day and Rock Hudson or Wayland Flowers and Madame for that matter.

Well, we wish all involved the best, because careers are slouching towards nadirs and I guess at this point all they have are memories. Lurid, tabloid-esque, I need to take a shower kind of memories that most of us could've done without.