Ladies and Gentlemen, the Paula Abdul we know and love - Welcome Back!

The batshit loopy PR nightmare that was the Paula Abdul of last season appeared to have been a victim of a summer rendition who was spirited away somewhere never to be heard from again. The new Paula had come into this season of American Idol shockingly lucid and dare I say, competent. Hell, she even pooped out a pablum dance number with pop associate Randy Jackson. Well, someone left the gate open, because the boozin', Xanax poppin, word-slurrin' sloppy cougar is back and American Idol just got interesting again.

In short, last night's show had each contestant perform two Neil Diamond songs (yes, viewers were subjected to 10 Neil Diamond songs in total). At the halfway mark, the judges gave their appraisals (even though stick-boy Seacrest stated earlier that they were going to give their comments after they performed all the songs...whatever). Anyway, when the camera got to Paula she shuffled her notes like a crazy lady at the market trying to find a cat food coupon and proceeded to give one contestant first song and second song critiques (even though he had yet to perform the second song) while everyone looked on aghast, embarrassed and amused. Randy and Simon tried to help her out to no avail; she just kept digging and looking like a 107 year-old woman at her own birthday party.

Simply put, if Paula's drinking again, I'm watching again!

Charlie Rose by Samuel Beckett

This is why inexpensive video editing software and the Internet were invented. Genius.

"Elitist" my ass

Let's see, he eloquently ripped the veil off of racism on live television and displayed it to the nation; annunciated how it's been percolating on both sides beneath political correctness for the past 30-odd years. And now, in a rather clumsy off-the-cuff statement, he's getting labeled an "elitist" by opponents for facts that the actual people he refers to admit freely. There's a certain glimpse one can get at another's character when they don't shy away from calling bullshit on their detractors. Especially when those detractors own eight homes, fly on corporate jets and have difficulty sourcing millions of dollars stated on tax returns, yet still claim to be simple down home gun-totin' Christian folk fightin' for the little man.



With that said, Cerebral Itch has some special edition t-shirts on the drawing boards. Let us know which one you would wear. If enough of you like a particular one, we'll go to print with it next week.

You know where we stand, where do you?

Fantasy Obit: Naomi Campbell

She's spitting on police now - literally! The long in the tooth and short on the temper has-been supermodel spit on a cop at London's Heathrow airport in yet another altercation. If she was a guy, somebody would have soundly and justifiably kicked her skinny ass by now and if she was a dog, they would have...well, you get my drift.

Cerebral Itch American Idol Update: Dolly Parton Jumps the {Jesus} Shark Last Night

As our regular readers know we've been keeping our powder dry and not commenting on the latest season of American Idol. Despite the fact that it's been touted as the most talent-packed gathering of young singers we frankly haven't seen anything particularly newsworthy or any performances nearing the level of excellence we all enjoyed during the Fantasia/Jennifer Hudson season 3 (okay, that David Cook/Billie Jean number was pretty cool).

But last night, the gods or should we say Jesus smiled on us. Dolly Parton was the relic they trotted out this week for the contestants to cover and last night she performed her new song - Jesus and Gravity. Yes, that's correct, a pop song that combines religion and science - bold. From the sweet affable hillbilly pixie who gave us classics like Jolene, 9 to 5 and Here you come again we got an off-pitch, screechy Jesus song one might see on a Sunday morning cable channel Christian ministry hootenanny. According to the lyrics, Jesus has wings and he's Dolly's friend. So much so she blurted his name 11 times in the song and each time made Simon Cowell convulse in pain. So in short, Dolly Parton jumped the shark last night and went from country music icon to loony, cat loving church lady.

One must admit that the best part of the night was when, at the close of the song, she pointed at the judges and screamed, "Hallelujah Simon!" and chatted with Ryan Seacrest about how she has Jesus and he has Simon. It was the most bizarre and painful thing to watch Seacrest be gracious yet see his face contorted into a fake smile masking sympathy. Thank god for Simon though; his face masked nothing but contempt for Dolly who had just alienated huge swaths of his TV audience with a crappy Christian-based song that had no mainstream commercial appeal or financial upside. It was American Idol after all.

Children of the Corn for real

Now we have a panoply of things that could really kill us: crossing the street, drug-resistant staph, the weather, etc. But none of those things rarely rise to the level of fear like during our morning commute fretting whether or not we DVR'd our favorite show. But then there are those few things, so irrationally implausible, yet conceivable that make us piss our knickers. Like city dwellers afraid of poisonous snakes or rural folk afraid of black people. But I think the one thing we can all agree on that would make you want to sit in your locked house with a loaded rifle on your lap is a pack of Ritalin-crazed third graders with the intent to stab you with a dull steak knife.

Stephen King plot notwithstanding, the very thing was just uncovered at an elementary school in Waycross, Georgia. Some teacher had apparently reprimanded a little hellion for standing on a chair and by doing so, she apparently crossed the line for these kids where retribution became necessary. So instead of drawing obscene pictures of her on their pee-chee folders, about nine kids banded together and whipped up a plan and a gym bag of evil with handcuffs, duct tape, a paperweight for rendering her unconscious and a busted steak knife for the denouement.

According to law enforcement, the types of students this teacher makes her paycheck from are students with learning disabilities, including attention deficit disorder, delayed development and hyperactivity. Add homicidal tendencies to the list and she gets a raise.

Now one could see teenagers doing this or your run of the mill disgruntled office worker, but a bunch of wee tots? Maybe it's time to cut junior's sugar intake, TV viewing and lift the spanking moratorium for the next 10 years. Seriously, what do you do with a bunch of kids that have conspiracy to commit a malicious act involving cutlery on their student record? How the hell does a future teacher discipline a kid who has whispering Gregorian chants on their iPod? I'll tell you how you straighten these pups out: Ship them off to Guantanamo. Most of us have issues with a vast majority of the current inmates being deprived due process and murky extensions of civil liberties. But a bunch of little f%#kers who think it's cool to ice their third grade teacher. God knows me and the majority of parents just trying to do the right thing would cough up $39.95 for pay-per-view to watch those kids shuffling around sugar-free in shackles and a snappy orange jumpsuit with Sergeant Dontfuckwithme teaching them who really has the bigger gym bag of evil.

Cerebral Itch to host live webcast of co-founders having sex

(PRWEB) April 1, 2008 -- Cerebral Itch co-founders Paul and Kacky Chamberlain will doff their clothing and express their love on the web for the world to see in a live webcast scheduled to begin at 3PM EST/12PM PST today.

In an effort to capitalize on the financial success of high-profile sex tapes such as Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and the infamous Pamela and Tommy Lee, Cerebral Itch co-founders felt the time was right to stimulate sales by doing what comes naturally. "As the great Cole Porter composed, birds do it bees do it, even educated fleas do it; so what's the harm in doing it to spike sales in the slow spring shopping months?" said Cerebral Itch co-founder Paul Chamberlain.

Cerebral Itch plans to capture the moment and make it available for sale next week in the form of iPod video and Blu-Ray DVD.