Oh, you know we weren't going to let this one go quietly

What newscasters across America should've really said:

"So the affable boy-woman lesbian comedienne and corporate spokesperson, Ellen Degeneres was reduced to tears at the outset of her television show today under the enormous weight of grief she carries daily surrounding the loss of both civilian and military life in Iraq. What? no, that's not it? Then okay, Ellen Degeneres was reduced to tears yesterday by our bellicose and moronic president as well as the impotent congress who is playing political chess to suit their interests for the '08 election. What? wait - okay, I think I got the right copy now; let me try that again. Ellen Degeneres was reduced to tears yesterday by the death of her recently adopted pet dog that...Huh? No?! Then what the f&ck are we reporting on here?! What? You're kidding me? Seriously?!

Ellen Degeneres was reduced to tears yesterday by a dog adoption snafu that resulted in her complete loss of professionalism and using her show as a bully pulpit, scratch that, a place to beg to a national audience so pressure would be applied to a fly-by-night pet adoption service. Sources close to Ellen agree that any respectability and clout she had amassed since coming out as a lesbian went down the crapper. Several lesbians we spoke to feel that if Ellen is going to dress like Gilligan then she shouldn't cry like Mrs. Howell.

Good night."