Dancing With the Stars: Marie Osmond cuts the crazy rug

So what's a 48-year-old mother of eight to do when she's fighting for the crown on Dancing With The Stars after she's already fainted and juiced a bereavement-sympathy vote? Oh, how about Dress up like Baby Jane and do some sad-ass old Shields and Yarnell bit to only make your son want to stay another four weeks in rehab till this latest embarrassment blows over. Bingo.

It's why we go to air shows and NASCAR races

It was the first time in human history when the term "Get the f*ck out of here!?" was uttered by over 4 billion people. Never before had incredulity united the world. All as a result of the announcement last year that Heather Mills, former wife of Paul McCartney, professional soft-core porn gold digger and uni-ped was going to compete in Dancing with the Stars.

Last night Heather and her partner Jonathan Roberts danced and I am, um, pleased to report, her prosthetic leg did not pop off. A YouTube spokesperson issued a statement this morning announcing it has brought online six additional video petabyte servers to handle the massive load of visitors anticipated when her leg does in fact, pop off on national television.

Stay tuned.