Dr. Itch on dealing with idiots

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The Debut of Dr. Itch Presents...

© 2012 Cerebral Itch · All Rights Reserved

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Cerebral Itch now makes "Bitter" e-cards - Yeah, we know, "what a stretch"

 

One recession-soaked morning we had finally had enough. And, instead of shooting up a public gathering place we decided to channel our angst into the well-worn medium of e-cards. There's 12 of them and frankly they're hilarious if you like jokes about suicide, Jesus, barricaded snipers and Obama's innate ability to piss away a senate majority. Okay, we've said too much; just go check them out here.

We're Back! The Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad Staff has been reunited!

I suppose apologies are in order.

Just like all stories of infidelity, they must begin with a chance meeting that accelerates into a torrid pleasure-fest where both parties ego's are being fed by paper-thin affections and co-dependence. And that was essentially us with the whole "Viva Chuck Todd" and "Viva Rachel Maddow" thing. If you have no idea what we're talking about, consider yourself lucky. For the lucky ones, we'll recap: Last year during the heat of the historic and wacky election season we thought it would be funny to start up a fansite for the doughy and intellectually alluring NBC Political Director, Chuck Todd. Well, somewhere around Memorial Day weekend 2008, MSNBC's morning show, Morning Joe picked us up and plastered the damn site all over the TV = massive traffic. Then Tim Russert died and because Chuck Todd was his Padawan, we got shit-hammered again on the traffic. Anyway, to make a long story short, we thought we'd hit a gravy train and could ride this sucker for all it was worth through election day and come out the other end lightin' cigars with $100 bills. We even went to Denver for the Democratic National Convention to meet these peeps and started a goddamn Chuck Todd fan club on our own dime.

Boy, is my ass sore.

Nothing came of our efforts (blogs, merchandise, e-cards, etc.) and at the end of the day we were maintaining three blogs while trying to get Cerebral Itch to turn a profit. Talk about taking your eye off the ball.

So here's the deal: No more Chuck Todd, no more Rachel Maddow, No more MSNBC. We're all about Cerebral Itch, riffing on pop culture and trying to get Veejay laid.

So with that said, we're sorry and we're back.

Swine Flu Sale

Far be it from us to not capitalize on a global event. Hell, if we had a card we could connect with Susan Boyle and make a sale, we'd do it in a hot second. Seriously though, this is one of our most popular cards and now thanks to the ruthless efficiency of opportunistic viruses leaping species, this card is now on sale for a buck.

Okay, that's it for tonight. We have to pack for an early morning plane flight to Oaxaca. You would not believe the sweet deal we got.

Cerebral Itch Valentine's Day Card and Wine Label Sale

In honor of romance in a crappy economy, we went and dropped the price of our Valentine's Day greeting cards and wine labels to $2.95 each (down from tree fiddy). There's stuff for lovers, for singles and downright bitter people who think this holiday is a joke (and those are the ones that get invited to Cerebral Itch functions).

And we know we've said this before, but if this isn't some of the best schwag we've ever created then we just aren't the sexy funny mofos we think we are.

Cerebral Itch featured on KNSD7/39 San Diego NBC

Well, somehow we got on TV again talking about Cerebral Itch. This time it was the fine folks over at NBC 7/39 who showed us the early A.M. love. Kacky did a great job but Paul has been admitted to the local hospital to get the stick removed from his ass.

San Diego's FOX 5 does Cerebral Itch

Well, someone felt sorry for us and put our story on the TV. The absolutely charming Nadine Toren from San Diego's FOX 5 took some time out of her busy morning to feature the Cerebral Itch political e-cards. Watch the piece, it's worth it just to hear someone call us "lovebirds".

Jungle Fun can kiss our alabaster ass too!

It’s a pretty mixed bag of nuts over here at the Cerebral Itch offices. To say we have a typical employee would be like saying there is a typical penis (wait, not that I’d know). We got your bouncy perky fitness club types and your bitter sardonic Paxil popping Xbox 360 playing geeks. It’s a lively bunch that always keeps the rumor mill and Human Resources hopping.

So one of our favorite employees, a Brit if you must know, came back yesterday from a family vacation. With his wife and three kids in tow, they did the historic east coast colonial tour. First off, color us shocked when we all found out this chap had a wife much less kids. Secondly, he had the funniest goddamn story from his trip that we had to share it with our readers. He sent it to me in an email this morning and like all good or really bad emails, they go way past their intended recipients

From: Geoff
Sent: Wednesday, March 26, 2008
To: The Boss
Subject: Jungle Fun can kiss my alabaster ass

Last Thursday it’s pissing rain in Pennsylvania and we’re trapped in our hotel room. The wife said she’d watch our boy, who’s got more energy than a f’kin’ OPEC nation, so I said I’d help out and take the two girls off her hands in the hope she might return the favor later by perhaps pruning me ol’ twig and berries if you get my drift. My plan was to take the girls to an indoor playground called Jungle Fun, which I saw as a perfect name for a strip joint, but that’s just me. My thought process was focused on grabbing a newspaper, a bloody huge cup of coffee and getting to this ring of hell where I would waste an hour reading about the world whilst forcing some caffeine into my bloodstream while my girls scream and bounce around like crazed banshees.

Due to lack of parking, I abandoned the car on a patch of grass adjacent to the parking lot, grabbed the tots and struck out in the inclement weather for the gleaming Jungle Fun entrance. When I entered the Jungle Fun foyer if you will, we were smacked with a downright rapacious admission fee. Not only that, but the twits had a sign blaring “No outside food or drinks allowed” right next to another saying “we sell Starbucks coffee” – bastards! Holding my own just-purchased Starbucks, the fellow behind the counter yells “no drinks….see!” and points to the sign.

Now if he had been courteous I would have been fine, but I kept my mouth shut (hard for me) and proceeded to enjoy my coffee in the Jungle Fun foyer. He then insisted that I drink it outside in the cold. That was the last f’kin straw, I yelled back at the nancy-boy, “What am I supposed to do; take my girls outside in the cold whilst I down my coffee, or leave them inside on their own?” So fine, I take this cock-up of a minimum wage worker’s advice and stand outside with the door wide open enjoying my coffee. He then yells at me to close the door. This is the point I decide I am not spending any money on their jungle shite. So as me and the girls turn to leave, some manager comes running out and threatens to call the police. I said “go ahead ya’ wee-puss of a man! – what are ya’ going to tell the 911 dispatcher 'please come quick, someone is drinking coffee next to a sign that says he shouldn’t'”. He then rushes in to get a clipboard to scratch down my license number at which point I gladly point out that I was parked illegally too. I have not been kicked out of a bar since college, but I am now banned from Jungle Fun for life.

Boo-f’kin-hoo.

Oh, it's like nothing happened while we were gone

First off, I would like to thank all of the regular readers of this blog for not calling bullshit on us for promoting the fact that this blog is updated daily. We know it's not true and you know it's not true; so apparently we've come to some kind of arrangement that is similar to the "only gay once in college while drunk so let's not talk about it" kind of arrangement good friends make. With that said, let's get on with the mea culpa and related explanation.

Right before the editorial offices of Cerebral Itch went black, things were progressing rather nicely. We had a full staff of writers who could stay sober during the day or at least fake it really well when the investors dropped by. We all knew we were cruising into a robust period of renewed political jousting and at the very least, American Idol was gearing up. Heady times ahead indeed; but then…the mold appeared.

Right over Veejay's head for about three days prior, a bubble in the ceiling grew until the moron decided to lance the two-foot wide office boil with an x-acto knife resulting in drenching himself with three gallons of putrid stagnant water. We all laughed our asses off until we saw mushrooms through the gash in the drywall. You read that right, mushrooms. An actual fungal colony had taken residence in our office above the head of the one employee that it could probably take in a debate. Those of us that had seen enough 20/20 and Dateline scare pieces on the deadly black mold grabbed our car keys and got the hell out of there never to return until today. Apparently the air testing is now complete and the offices got a clean bill of health. The insurance covered it even though an investigation found that is was all the result of an abandoned mini marijuana hydroponics lab left by the previous tenants. Our lawyer's frequent recommendation to the authorities to ignore the fact that there were no previous tenants before us was successful and the check got pushed through.

So what did we all do for the three weeks you saw nothing from us? Well, Veejay healed up nicely from the abrasions he received during his mold killing Silkwood shower the health department gave him (supposedly nursed back to health by none other than Ugly Betty herself, America Ferrera – see our debate coverage). Silvio the intern just disappeared, but pulled into the office parking lot this morning driving a Mercedes CLS 550 coupe with nothing but a smile on his face. We’ll be getting to the bottom of that one later. Our HR person who has contacts over at Monster.com was notified that seven of our people posted fresh resumes and also the local Kinko's informant we keep plied with donuts and Wii games let us know he ran off resumes for three of our employees. Since we had nothing really to do, we rented office space, whipped up a cool ambiguous website with a lot of Flash animation and marketing buzzwords for a bogus competitive start-up and then called them all for an interview. We hired a stand-up comic we know who’ll open for a flower blooming and had him play the hiring manager. Each interview consisted of wonderfully inappropriate sexual questions and promises of ridiculous salaries leading each one of the ship-jumping rats to take the bait. Our saucy Latina receptionist answered, some would say correctly, the question concerning office orgies and discretion. The hunky marketing guy apparently thinks he’s qualified for my job, four of our writers were thrilled to learn that there would be a medicinal marijuana vending machine in the lounge and all candidates were on board with "chaps and pasties Fridays". All of this was captured on video and will be shown at the annual office Christmas party. Aside from all that we received our third plaque from the city recycling department for again putting the most beer and wine bottles in a single dumpster in a two-week period. Drunks we may be, but we’re environmentally responsible drunks.

So in closing, no one is more sorry about our absence than us. We cry nightly that we were not able to cover the Spitzer hooker scandal. Because seriously, if you're going to hold a hotness contest with high-profile Jezebels, Ashley Alexandra Dupre wins by a landslide when you stack her up against the likes of Monica Lewinsky and Jessica Hahn. We sob in the shower when we think about the missed opportunities to comment on hideous old feminist relics spewing bile in a crass attempt at frank political discourse when in fact it's deep-seated resentment finally bubbling up from the 80's for being used as a novelty running mate in a failed presidential bid. But you know what gets us through the night (besides the obvious)? It's that tomorrow, Barack will still be black and scary to a frighteningly large segment of the population and Hillary will still be a crazed selfish shrew fixated on the presidency like a crow in a parking lot with a shiny piece of glass. McCain also just gets older and less able to deal with the nuances of let's say, oh, reality. Also the fact that the US economy will continue to cruise into a sort of 1970's Argentinian wheelbarrows full of cash like scenario gives us all hope we will have plenty of stuff to write about in the future as we attempt to make up with our readers.

Regards,

Client Number Eleven

Shameless Plug: New Valentine's Day e-cards from Cerebral Itch - they're free!

So less than 12 hours since we launched the new VD e-cards they're turning out to be another hit. At latest count, Lovers, Go Obama are ranking one and two in popularity, and Cute Boy, Not For Lovers and Suckers all tied for third place.














The best part about our e-cards is that they're free. Also, they're just not for lovers; we've got some pretty bitter ones for our single friends - check'em out

We're exposing ourselves...so to speak

In the interest of transparency and cheap web traffic, we have fired up a Twitter account and plan to let every member of the Cerebral Itch staff to twitter their little fingers off on all things happening in the office.

We already started this experiment and it seems to have already sparked six fights, five missed deadlines, an exposed office romance and a close call with a DUI. All in all, a typical week. Start following the Cerebral Itch Twitter string and get real-time notices of who is doing what, where and to whom. Plus, we may throw some prizes in the mix at any time to be claimed only by followers of our Twitter string; how's that for getting our knees dirty?

So Veejay, Silvio, Dawn, Big Pete, the new marketing guy and others will be just another set of reality media whores. Except there is really no prize money involved and nobody's really watching; just like the CW.

More Press for Cerebral Itch

"Their selection of "greeting" cards, penned in such wonderfully wicked prose that you can't help but laugh out loud, are blasted with biting messages of remorse, lust and general dislike."

read the whole article here

Cerebral Itch now makes t-shirts - recognize!

So this is what has been sucking us dry for the past couple of weeks; goddamn t-shirts. Yeah, after constant harassment we got off our asses and made some t-shirts.

So here's the deal, we've got 12 great designs on some amazingly soft high quality spun cotton tailored t-shirts; you'll get none of that beefy-t crap from us. For those of you who care, they're made in the good ol' US of A and if, and I mean if, we used kids to make the shirts, we have the "proper documentation" in the form of bundled non-consecutive $20 bills and each kid is wearing a fake moustache to make them look older. With that said, behold the fruit of their labors.

Oh, and buy three of them and shipping will only be a buck; sweet deal by any account. Now go buy some.

I can dream can't I?

The summer gives way to lazy afternoons and thoughts of whimsy, or at least that's what they say in those goddamn lemonade commercials. But if they are to be believed, then my summer daydreams kicked into high gear this morning with the release of the iPhone; causing me to wax fantastic by imagining my perfect summer day - it goes something like this:

10:06 am: wake up after 10 hours of undisturbed sleep
10:17 am: Getting the news via my new iPhone that Dick Cheney is getting impeached and will be removed from office
10:30 am: Waffles
10:57 am: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
11:42 am: More Waffles
12:36 pm: Something that involves nudity and spouse
1:06 pm: Nap by the pool
2:03 pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
2:05 pm: Buying an $85 bottle of Pinot Noir along with some Ben & Jerry's Turtle Soup and a lottery ticket to celebrate Dick going down
3:12 pm: Lunch by the pool
3:33 pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
4:23 pm: More nudity and spouse
5:17pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
5:19pm: Matinee of a summer movie that involves explosions, special effects and a plot that is worthy of my $10 bucks
7:45pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
8:00pm: Checking lottery numbers via my iPhone browser and discovering that I in fact, just won the lottery
8:01pm: Wildly flailing about running in all directions with middle fingers waving at anything that moves screaming "I own you and you and you and you and YOU!"
8:47pm: Gaining my composure with police officers Chavez and Dean
8:53pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
10:04pm: Settling into first class seat with spouse for flight to Paris with no luggage because we'll just buy new shit when we get there
10:06pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
11:03 pm: More nudity and spouse
11:18 pm: Being asked to return to our seats
11:21pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
11:56pm: Nodding off on spouse's shoulder softly muttering "I own you and you and you and you z z z z z z z z zzzzzzzzzzzz"

10 damn good reasons to sober up, pick yourself up out of your own sick and suck it up for summer

If you're like most people, you're currently bemoaning the fact that you made it through the three-day weekend alive and now have to pay the bills associated with that. Well, here at the editorial offices of the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad we want to give you some reasons, 10 in fact, to soldier on and make it to at least the Fourth of July five-day weekend; screw Labor Day, that's far too ambitious at this point. So, without any further delay, here's the list:

1. Islamofascist Pigeon chatter has picked up and more aggressive strikes on the President are expected
2. Both American Idol and The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentlemen are off the air
3. It's only a matter of time before John McCain completely flips out and does something spectacular to torpedo his campaign for good and you want to be around to see that YouTube nugget
   
4. Paris Hilton's June 5th perp walk
5. Bush at 25% approval rating by July
6. Cerebral Itch launches their Highlarious t-shirts in June (shameless freakin' plug we know)
   
7. Summer Movies: Knocked Up, Transformers the movie and Oceans 13
   
8. Barbeque and board shorts
   
9. Al Gore entering the Presidential race and upending everything (fall prediction mind you but holy crap that's going to be a dust-up)
   
10. This

Add your own in the comments, because it was like pulling teeth coming up with these.

The Cerebral Itch T-Shirt Designs!

WATCH, VOTE & WEAR!
Be heard, affect the marketplace, tell us we're full of crap!

The above nifty slide show will display all 14 of our new designs (click here to see them larger). Once you've viewed them all, VOTE for your favorites using the polling station below. If you have any other comments or questions, go ahead and email us. We're really reaching out to you, please don't make us feel more alone than we already do.

T-shirts go on sale at cerebralitch.com and select U.S. stores June 15th.

Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad is offline for the rest of the week and then some

Due to the ever-increasing responsibilities foisted on us by the Alberto Gonzales defense team and our contractual obligations as speech writers for the Duncan Hunter presidential campaign, the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad will be offline till April 30th, 2007. Plus, we need to get drunk and loosen up every once and a while just like most of you reprobates. Don't worry, we'll let you all know about our bender when we sober up.

That is all

I could use a drink right about now

Apologies to the readers of the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad for the irregular posting schedule you've been subjected to for the past couple of weeks.

They say confession is good for the soul, so allow me to be good to my soul. The reason for the less-than-stellar performance has been due to the disproportionate allocation of resources towards assisting in the Alberto Gonzales defense and getting over the grief of not being the father of Dannielyn. I know we'll be back on track soon, because despite the above somber notes; the world glistens with nothing but happiness and brotherhood.

Cerebral Itch gets some more press, again - courtesy of Zink magazine

Well, we pulled it off again. We had the good fortune of being featured in the oh so trendy ZINK magazine. This is what they had to say about us:

Men and women often have trouble communicating, especially when it comes to love. So if you're not sure how to tell your MySpace honey that you're ready to take things to the next level, let a Cerebral Itch greeting card do the talking for you: "Look, I'm as shocked as you are that our online nastiness followed by a no-strings-attached, drunken, dirty sheet hookup actually produced something meaningful." Cerebral Itch cards are witty and honest enough to both amuse and flatter your friends and loved ones, and with such a wide selection to choose from, you'll find one for every occasion, including birthdays, breakups, declarations of love, interventions, baby showers, coming out parties and more. Play your cards right at Cerebralltch.com.
Kiki Kruz