Whew! Now I can get on with my life

Children danced in the streets, no one woke up with morning breath and peace reigned throughout my refrigerator. Paris Hilton is free.

The three major online news outlets found the time to break away from the Iraq, Afghanistan, Darfur, Gaza, Cheney, fires and other less important stuff to let us know the numb skull nymphette made it through her 23-day hell with nary a scratch.

I give her maybe six weeks before she's blotto half-naked on some dance floor and behind the wheel of another disposable Mercedes. This isn't going to end well and damn it if we're not going to be there to cover it.

Love Letter from Paris Hilton

It came to our attention last night that one of our senior writers here at the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad is apparently the current paramour of jail bird Paris Hilton. We confronted him about using company equipment to communicate with a criminal and he claimed it was all for the blog; in turn, he handed over some of the most recent correspondence.

Dear ****,

I know this may shock you, but I love you. Not like I love Crist my saveeor (sp?) but I loveyou liek no other guy I've been with. Being in prisin makes me want you more.

I know you make fun of me on your blog to make people think your cool and all but I know that you really want me just like I want you. You think by being all tough and pertending you think I'm a slut willmake me want you. Well your rite, I do.

Prison is tough and the food sucks and total skanky crackwhores try to watch me shower. They all yell mean things to me but I know there all jealous. I'll be out of here and back in Vegas with you dancing and drinking and patying so hard. I cant wait, because I like so want to tell you about all the reading I'm doing, not just the bible but things like thick books with totally tiny letters.

I'm going to go now, stay studly and kiss my picture every night like I do.

luv Paris

Just because it makes me smile

I know it's a tired old story and I know that this will certainly not be the last time we hear of this creature; but man, you've got to admit you can't buy this kind of schadenfreude.

10 damn good reasons to sober up, pick yourself up out of your own sick and suck it up for summer

If you're like most people, you're currently bemoaning the fact that you made it through the three-day weekend alive and now have to pay the bills associated with that. Well, here at the editorial offices of the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad we want to give you some reasons, 10 in fact, to soldier on and make it to at least the Fourth of July five-day weekend; screw Labor Day, that's far too ambitious at this point. So, without any further delay, here's the list:

1. Islamofascist Pigeon chatter has picked up and more aggressive strikes on the President are expected
2. Both American Idol and The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentlemen are off the air
3. It's only a matter of time before John McCain completely flips out and does something spectacular to torpedo his campaign for good and you want to be around to see that YouTube nugget
   
4. Paris Hilton's June 5th perp walk
5. Bush at 25% approval rating by July
6. Cerebral Itch launches their Highlarious t-shirts in June (shameless freakin' plug we know)
   
7. Summer Movies: Knocked Up, Transformers the movie and Oceans 13
   
8. Barbeque and board shorts
   
9. Al Gore entering the Presidential race and upending everything (fall prediction mind you but holy crap that's going to be a dust-up)
   
10. This

Add your own in the comments, because it was like pulling teeth coming up with these.

10 damn good reasons to drink yourself deaf, dumb and blind this Memorial Day weekend

One of the fortuitous things about penning a blog these days is the seemingly bottomless font of news and pop-culture detritus that you can swim in and skewer to your heart's content. But then you have weeks like the one we just had, where the steady rain of news becomes a shit storm of biblical proportions causing you to collapse on the floor like an epileptic kid in front of the wall of televisions at Best Buy. So in order to keep our mood hovering just slightly above suicidal, we thought we'd punt and put together a list of things that justify a weekend booze run that looks like you're buying cases of water before a hurricane.

1. Currently having impure thoughts about providing Monica Goodling "comfort" if you know what I'm saying
2. The promise: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" pretty much getting lost in a bureaucratic circle-jerk usually reserved for half-assed wars and healthcare
   
3. That you actually thought the gasbag pussies also known as the 110th United States Congress would've done what the majority of the electorate wanted and not be slaves to their own calculating machinations of byzantine political cowardice
   
4. Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's End making more money this weekend than an average sampling of 50 school districts get budgeted collectively in a year
5. That these people will be enjoying a holiday weekend that honors our fallen with their family and friends: Douglas Feith, General Tommy Franks, Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, George Tenet, Condoleeza Rice, Paul Bremer
   
6. That these people will not
7. If you spent as much on a date as you will filling up your car; you might've gotten laid more
8. Heroes is over
   
9. That we have a president that wipes bird poop off of his jacket with his own finger
10. Paris Hilton's sentence may be reduced
    

CHEERS! And feel free to add some of your own in the comments.

Hey look everyone! Karma still works!

Suhwheet Jeezus there be some justice in these parts!

Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer is my new hero. This robe-wearing badass threw the book at the flaxen trollop hard. No furloughs, no community service, no house arrest, just hard jail time for 45 days starting June 5th. Suck it up princess, you're going to be sold to a 250lb crackwhore named Velma for cigarettes and diet Fresca.

Can you imagine the limo ride home where you know her mother had to practically sketch out the fact that daddy or her sycophant staff were not going to be able to get her out of this one? And if there's a successful appeal, so help me, there will be blood in the streets.