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CALL HIM!

This backward disruptive turd needs to hear from all of us.

Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)
202-225-2452

 

Okay Barry, let's get something straight here...

I watched you in 2004 give that historic speech at the Democratic National Convention and agreed with the pundits that this young chap from Chicago may have a shot at higher office. I defended your victory in Iowa as more than a fluke and went all in and declared you to be a harbinger of things to come. I stood in 95 degree desert heat for four hours to see you and be part of a movement that endeavored to wrest this county back from an administration that had an agenda different from the dimension I lived in. I shed a tear that November night it was declared that you were the first on so many levels. The iconic poster emblazoned with "HOPE" still hangs in my office. My story is so common; shared by so many others who agonized on that long two year road that you might not make it. But damn it, you did. And the world smiled. Okay Alaska and Wyoming didn't, but everyone else did.

So many problems, so many fires to extinguish. I thought surely this will be daunting but well within the wheelhouse of Obama, Axelrod, Plouffe, Emanuel and Biden. They beat back Hillary and the GOP for God sake. But instead, seven months later...you golf.

Your policies are half-measures and compromises. Nothing smacks of a moon shot or cancer cure. I was ready to match my grandparents and give up silk stockings and steak for the cause. I was ready to do whatever was necessary to foment the lightning in a bottle of a senate majority and political capital not seen since FDR's third term. But yet, you flitter it away.

Ironically, your team branded politics. You made it fashionable. Most people bought posters and t-shirts of you not out of ideology, but a desire to be cool. You beat the Limbaughs, Becks and Bachmans back into the shadows and lighted the way for the secular and educated. But now, people either fall asleep or brandish weapons at anachronistic town hall meetings.

You disappoint me Mr. President.

Quit smiling. quit waving, quit golfing and quit looking like you're having so much goddamn fun being the President. Start continually reminding the obtuse Republicans literally who's boss. Tell Pelosi and that cadaver Reid to get in line or get the hell out of the way. Give us something bold. Cash for Clunkers is not a legacy. One term is a stigma and organic gardens are punchlines.


Quite frankly sir, we weren't hoping for this.

ZOINKS! They do what?!

Juvenile? Yes. Hilarious? Oh yeah.

Waking up from a bad dream

please vote and know hope.

The Powell Endorsement: The Sequel

Even more damning than his appearance on Meet the Press.

Forget who he's talking about, focus on what he's talking about - inspiring

And McCain shoots...he scores!But Jesus Saves!

Holy god (allow me to be irreverent and ironic right off the bat)! Senator John McCain saw the opportunity to finally get out there and grease the skids with the religious right and man, did that sallow septuagenarian hit his mark.

As the light shone down from the hallowed rafters of Reverend Rick Warren's Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA, John McCain broke the indoor speed record for evangelical ass-kissing by one person. Honestly, does one person really need to invoke Reagan's "shining city on the hill" schtick, Rwandan Missionary work, Georgian 3rd century Judeo-Christian roots and Mother Theresa in under four minutes?

The best part was when Pastor, er Reverend, uh high media priest...whatever Warren asked what makes him a follower of Christ and Senator McCain told a story about his captivity and a guard who showed him not only a semblance of mercy while being tortured, but drew him a cross in the dirt and shared a moment as two Christians. Fine, great story. Would look great on film except...John McCain to this day, refuses to stop referring to his captors as anything but "gooks". Okay fine, Christian gooks then. Another "hey, nobody's paying attention" high point was when Senator McCain humbly referred to some of the "worst places in the world", "dark corners", "little places like Belarus" in a way that made you tear up from the admiration he was emoting; wait a minute, did you say "Belarus"? You mean the same sh*thole you used as a punchline when you wanted to jokingly exile uber-lobbyist and former senator Phil Gramm after he called us a nation of whiners? Yeah it was and tonight you set things straight. Well, hats off to you Senator!

And in all fairness, Obama sucked. He tried to be sincere, but came off as verbose and trying way too hard. Cut the man some slack though; he just was in Hawaii for a week. Take it from me, if there's one place in the world that's going to cause some mental atrophy, it's that place.

We also have to give MCain credit where credit's due for smoking Obama in the speed round for answering "at the moment of conception". Boom! done! "Thank you ladies and gentlemen and good night. Don't forget to vote for me on one issue and only one".

And one more thing before I have to get ready for church. Why aren't there hordes of secular Americans AND people of faith who have an academic understanding of our Constitution marching on Washington in protest that the first semi-official showdown between two candidates for the President of the United States was in a mega-church?! Oh that's right, we're in the minority.

F%$#ing Vulgar

Hell, we're America. We'll capitalize on anything hot to make a buck.

We live in historic times

Below is an excerpt of an email sent to Columnist Andrew Sullivan from one of his readers for his blog the Daily Dish. I felt it needed to be reprinted so others could feel something, if not new, long absent.

Tomorrow I will go to the African American cemetery outside of Chicago where my great-grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, neighbors, and my mother and father are buried. And I will tell them that they were right -- that if we studied hard, worked hard, kept the faith, fought for justice, prayed, that this day would come.

And it has.

It's called blatant racism you politically correct obtuse twits!

It really takes something truly nauseating to top Hillary's performance last night as the tenacious defender who once again (yawn) declared taking her bankrupt and quixotic crusade to the final hill on behalf of the working class. But the most sickening performance of all was the constant faux-bewilderment of the pundits when examining Obama's 35 point loss in Kentucky. You could see the politically correct restraint just oozing out their powdered foreheads. I kept hoping against hope that someone would snap and just scream, "working class whites earning less than $50k with a high school education living in Appalachia are f%^$#ng functionally illiterate racist hillbillies who would drink battery acid before letting some 'negro' be president...am I fired now?".

The West Virgina primary let the world peer into a disturbing microcosm that included bad grammar, great orthodontic need and racism. Enjoy the following video:



It appears that the Kentucky primary had equally if not more dour sociological results. According to the Associated Press, "About one in five whites said race played a role in choosing a candidate Tuesday — on par with results in several other Southern states. Nine in 10 of that group backed Clinton — the highest proportion yet among the 28 states where that question has been asked in exit polls." Contrast that with their exit poll findings from Oregon where only 1 in 10 said race was important to them. Oregon exit polling showed that Obama does get the working class white vote and added credence that his problem is endemic to Appalachia. Obama did pull Louisville and got solid support from college students and educated voters under 30...shocking.

Let's go out on a limb and say Hillary's victories throughout Appalachia are not primarily the result of an informed and inspired electorate who appreciate her nuanced legislative take on health care but instead putrid bigotry on a grand scale. What that means is that constitutional privilege was exercised by individuals who would rather vote for a white pandering political fixture with a sense of entitlement or a white elderly professional politician with odious associates who married into more money than their state has budgeted for education. Oh, and one more thing. Last night in Hillary's "victory speech" she used that great hackneyed suck-up line "As ___ goes, so goes the nation!"; this time inserting "Kentucky". Let's get something straight lady. I go nowhere Kentucky goes and I believe the other 49 states would agree.

Worst Selling Campaign Shirt EVER

Hey Hillary! Here's your new campaign song

Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good lord split you.

"Elitist" my ass

Let's see, he eloquently ripped the veil off of racism on live television and displayed it to the nation; annunciated how it's been percolating on both sides beneath political correctness for the past 30-odd years. And now, in a rather clumsy off-the-cuff statement, he's getting labeled an "elitist" by opponents for facts that the actual people he refers to admit freely. There's a certain glimpse one can get at another's character when they don't shy away from calling bullshit on their detractors. Especially when those detractors own eight homes, fly on corporate jets and have difficulty sourcing millions of dollars stated on tax returns, yet still claim to be simple down home gun-totin' Christian folk fightin' for the little man.



With that said, Cerebral Itch has some special edition t-shirts on the drawing boards. Let us know which one you would wear. If enough of you like a particular one, we'll go to print with it next week.

You know where we stand, where do you?

Stories from the Future: Crazy Clinton Campaign Continues to Careen in 2022

DATELINE: March 28, 2022 - It has been six years since the celebrated Obama presidency ended, but former first lady and New York Senator Hillary Clinton still continues her campaign for the 2008 United States presidency.

Clad in one of her three faded trademark pantsuits looking all her 74 years and driving her own illegal petroleum fuel burning campaign bus, Mrs. Clinton can be found in one of three places, none of which are home: Michigan, Ohio and New Hampshire. They are the three corners of the sad trek of a woman who just can't face the facts that her presidential aspirations ended in the Spring of '08. It was when then-Senator Barack Obama made quick work of her in the remaining primaries as well as received the overwhelming endorsement from the majority of Super Delegates and Democratic party elders. Clinton refused to relent and campaigned throughout the remainder of the election season drawing smaller and smaller crowds in each city she visited. Her staff completely abandoned her by June of that year and Clinton was quickly forced to administer all facets of a quixotic presidential campaign. Her 2008 campaign was capped by her disorderly conduct arrest during the first Obama inauguration resulting in her forced resignation of her senate seat. Her campaign to this day is financed by minuscule donations (rumors persist that certain late-night talk shows are funding her campaign just for material) and revenue generated by online merchandise sales bearing her self-deprecating slogan "Hillary - Crazy for the presidency".

It's a sad sight to those who remember how the former Senator was a force to be reckoned with on issues debated on the senate floor. Once a stalwart crusader for universal healthcare and working class families; Clinton will be remembered for her canned insincerity, vindictive campaigning and grandiose embellishments of her executive record while First Lady. The negatives quickly sank a campaign that in 2007 brandished the veneer of inevitability.

Today at a "rally" in a Lansing, Michigan Best Western conference room, Clinton spoke to 17 people with a voice that is hardly tired but completely shrill, continuing to push for the 2008 Michigan and Florida primary votes to be counted claiming they overwhelmingly favored her and reminding people of her Ohio and New Hampshire comeback victories of that same race. Needless to say, there are still Clinton "supporters" that come to her rallies. Usually never more than 20 people at each event, the attendees mostly consist of sincere older white women who still wish to see her or any woman in the White House and college students who consider being part of a Hillary rally a must-do on any spring break road trip. "She's out of her mind and it's hilarious!" Said Seth Gutierrez, Michigan State University freshman. "My parents would tell me stories of her time as First Lady and senator which I can't believe when I see her on stage singing the National Anthem and claiming she's fighting for me - you can't buy that kind of crazy from a pill".

Ironically, after the first Obama inauguration, it was former President Bill Clinton who left her in divorce citing irreconcilable differences. Many believe it should have been she who left him after the Monica Lewinsky affair, but she stayed married in what others also believe, was a calculated political play for her own presidency. The former President now lives out his golden years in Martha's Vineyard with supermodel and fifth wife, 23 year old Ava Elizabeth, daughter of Academy Award winning actors Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe. Estranged daughter and US Representative (NY - dist.14), Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky could not be reached for comment.

As the glare from the afternoon grows dim, so does the fire in her eyes as she tiredly hobbles into her ramshackle bus, angrily waving off any assistance. She claims that she's headed to Florida to lobby the state legislature for a new primary. This reporter didn't have the heart to tell her Florida no longer exists and that it's now the largest man-made reef in the world ever since the 2017 catastrophic global warm-up that submerged a majority of the gulf cities. Details like that don't deter a clinically insane woman who will let her detractors call her many things, except a loser and a quitter.

And now for some greatly needed contrast

I think I speak for many when I say that this whole Reverend Jeremiah Wright kerfuffle (yes, I wrote kerfuffle) is growing a bit asinine. Asinine in the fact that the news outlets (or should I say "news anuses" because an anus is an outlet too and consistently more useful than most news organizations) have yet to properly hold up Reverend Wright's vituperative language and compare it to some of our nation's most well-known spiritual leaders who have chosen to align themselves with both candidates and presidents.

Let's start with the grand-daddy of them all: Reverend Billy Graham
Reverend Graham has of course known more presidents than any spiritual leader dead or alive. He is often a fixture at any function where a president has to look more Christian than he actually is. Well, it appears that ol' Billy had a friend in "tricky Dick" when it came to Jews in the media.



Now let's cut to a classic. The following video has not only Jerry Falwell, the founder of the "Moral Majority" a political movement credited with giving Ronald Reagan two-thirds of the white, evangelical Christian vote in 1980; but also former presidential candidate and Christian media mogul, Pat Robertson. Both "southern gentlemen" have seen the inside of the White House multiple times and are part of the Republican ring-kissing tour all candidates must endure (now minus Falwell since the good lord saw fit to punch the fat ass' ticket). Please ruminate on the last words Robertson says in this clip, "well, I totally concur".




Keeping in step with the past, Senator John McCain racked up a sizable posse of pudgy white preachers who got nothing but love for everyone as long as they're not gay, catholic, oh hell, as long as they're only white, straight and evangelical Christian.
The most recent addition was Reverend John Hagee of the 17,000 member Grace Church of San Antonio (11,000 more members than Reverend Wright's church) and enjoys a global reach of around 99 million homes with his radio and television programs. Reverend John has fired off some grand statements not really preaching tolerance. Here are some of the highlights:

"[Catholicism is] A Godless theology of hate that no one dared try to stop for a thousand years produced a harvest of hate."
source: quote from Standing with Israel by David Brog

"All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that. The newspaper carried the story in our local area that was not carried nationally that there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades. So I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing."
source: September 18, 2006, NPR's Fresh Air

On former Secretary or Education, recovering compulsive gambler and self-proclaimed moral watchdog for America, Bill Bennet's radio show, McCain said he "repudiates" the Catholicism crack and believes Reverend Hagee when he says his words were "taken out of context". Well good, thanks for clearing that up so nicely Senator.

Now let it be said that Jeremiah Wright does not harbor and preach some poisonous ideas. But as Senator Obama pointed out in his speech we all should put down the stones we intend to cast because he is a type of person we all know or in fact could be related to. And instead of slinking, obfuscating and finessing the episode, Obama had the balls, temerity and intellect to stand before the country and condemn his pastor on live television and eloquently explain what so many white presidents, candidates, senators, congressmen and city councilmen never have had to explain or for that matter, endure.

Oh, it's like nothing happened while we were gone

First off, I would like to thank all of the regular readers of this blog for not calling bullshit on us for promoting the fact that this blog is updated daily. We know it's not true and you know it's not true; so apparently we've come to some kind of arrangement that is similar to the "only gay once in college while drunk so let's not talk about it" kind of arrangement good friends make. With that said, let's get on with the mea culpa and related explanation.

Right before the editorial offices of Cerebral Itch went black, things were progressing rather nicely. We had a full staff of writers who could stay sober during the day or at least fake it really well when the investors dropped by. We all knew we were cruising into a robust period of renewed political jousting and at the very least, American Idol was gearing up. Heady times ahead indeed; but then…the mold appeared.

Right over Veejay's head for about three days prior, a bubble in the ceiling grew until the moron decided to lance the two-foot wide office boil with an x-acto knife resulting in drenching himself with three gallons of putrid stagnant water. We all laughed our asses off until we saw mushrooms through the gash in the drywall. You read that right, mushrooms. An actual fungal colony had taken residence in our office above the head of the one employee that it could probably take in a debate. Those of us that had seen enough 20/20 and Dateline scare pieces on the deadly black mold grabbed our car keys and got the hell out of there never to return until today. Apparently the air testing is now complete and the offices got a clean bill of health. The insurance covered it even though an investigation found that is was all the result of an abandoned mini marijuana hydroponics lab left by the previous tenants. Our lawyer's frequent recommendation to the authorities to ignore the fact that there were no previous tenants before us was successful and the check got pushed through.

So what did we all do for the three weeks you saw nothing from us? Well, Veejay healed up nicely from the abrasions he received during his mold killing Silkwood shower the health department gave him (supposedly nursed back to health by none other than Ugly Betty herself, America Ferrera – see our debate coverage). Silvio the intern just disappeared, but pulled into the office parking lot this morning driving a Mercedes CLS 550 coupe with nothing but a smile on his face. We’ll be getting to the bottom of that one later. Our HR person who has contacts over at Monster.com was notified that seven of our people posted fresh resumes and also the local Kinko's informant we keep plied with donuts and Wii games let us know he ran off resumes for three of our employees. Since we had nothing really to do, we rented office space, whipped up a cool ambiguous website with a lot of Flash animation and marketing buzzwords for a bogus competitive start-up and then called them all for an interview. We hired a stand-up comic we know who’ll open for a flower blooming and had him play the hiring manager. Each interview consisted of wonderfully inappropriate sexual questions and promises of ridiculous salaries leading each one of the ship-jumping rats to take the bait. Our saucy Latina receptionist answered, some would say correctly, the question concerning office orgies and discretion. The hunky marketing guy apparently thinks he’s qualified for my job, four of our writers were thrilled to learn that there would be a medicinal marijuana vending machine in the lounge and all candidates were on board with "chaps and pasties Fridays". All of this was captured on video and will be shown at the annual office Christmas party. Aside from all that we received our third plaque from the city recycling department for again putting the most beer and wine bottles in a single dumpster in a two-week period. Drunks we may be, but we’re environmentally responsible drunks.

So in closing, no one is more sorry about our absence than us. We cry nightly that we were not able to cover the Spitzer hooker scandal. Because seriously, if you're going to hold a hotness contest with high-profile Jezebels, Ashley Alexandra Dupre wins by a landslide when you stack her up against the likes of Monica Lewinsky and Jessica Hahn. We sob in the shower when we think about the missed opportunities to comment on hideous old feminist relics spewing bile in a crass attempt at frank political discourse when in fact it's deep-seated resentment finally bubbling up from the 80's for being used as a novelty running mate in a failed presidential bid. But you know what gets us through the night (besides the obvious)? It's that tomorrow, Barack will still be black and scary to a frighteningly large segment of the population and Hillary will still be a crazed selfish shrew fixated on the presidency like a crow in a parking lot with a shiny piece of glass. McCain also just gets older and less able to deal with the nuances of let's say, oh, reality. Also the fact that the US economy will continue to cruise into a sort of 1970's Argentinian wheelbarrows full of cash like scenario gives us all hope we will have plenty of stuff to write about in the future as we attempt to make up with our readers.

Regards,

Client Number Eleven

Karl Rove is back! Not tanned, still fat and doing what he does best: scaring people

Former deputy chief of staff to President George W. Bush and pudgy spawn belched from the hermaphroditic skin-fold of a satanic underling, Karl Rove - decided sloth was not going to be one of his usual favorite seven deadly sins this past weekend and wrote an op-ed piece for the newly soiled Wall Street Journal. In this tidy little missive, he gives the reader his take on why Senator Clinton grabbed New Hampshire from the maw of rampant Obama-friendly prognostication.

At first glance it reads as a back-handed endorsement for the former first lady. He gives four fabulous reasons why she won and why she is the superior candidate. Which is understandable when one realizes that Karl goes all a-twitter thinking about pitting a candidate against the most politically galvanizing force for Republicans since Communism or for that matter, the SUV tax credit. But nestled in his musings are some of the most sublime racist comments one could make without being beat with a brick in a dark parking structure. Granted, the majority of the Wall Street Journal editorial page readership is not going to rise up and demand that this man be asked just what he meant by saying the following things about the junior senator from Illinois:

"He is often lazy"

"His trash talking was an unattractive carryover from his days playing pickup basketball at Harvard"

"Mr. Obama chose soaring rhetoric and inspirational rallies. While his speeches galvanized true believers at his events, his words were neither filling nor sustaining for New Hampshire Democrats concerned about the Clintons and looking for a substantive alternative"

Granted, taking 25 words out of 1,312 minus their contextual placement is somewhat dubious (plus, white men can also be called lazy; see Fred Thompson), but when you take into consideration the malevolent genius of Karl Rove - The god damned Johnny Appleseed of fear - harvesting and understand that the higher echelon of the Republican base is being spoon-fed a concoction that consists of a feminist-socialist lesbian wife of a shill president or a lazy, jive-talking, b-ball playing huckster boy politician from Chicago. Too harsh? Lest we forget the now legendary story of how he smirked and then looked the other way in 2000 when "push-pollers" began calling voters in South Carolina asking them how they felt that John McCain had a black child out of wedlock (the fuel for this fire? John and Cindy McCain adopted a child from Bangladesh).

Rove's ability to triangulate issues and interweave them with subtle strereotypical imagery would be fun to read if it was fiction. Unfortunately in real life, the fat master has stirred and is testing the waters to see if his style of politics still plays. Rest assured, if Clinton surges in the run-up to Super Tuesday and begins to secure the nomination, Rove will breathe a sigh of relief that he doesn't have to go up against the lazy basketball player that has a good chunk of the nation on their feet screaming and hoping for change.

Postscript: Microsoft might want to get on this mucho pronto

You'd think after Iowa, someone in Redmond would've put a software patch for the Microsoft Word spell checker on the fast track. If you always thought Steve Ballmer came off like a horse's ass, god help him if Obama gets elected.

Mr. Obama, Canadian President on line 7, and by "7" I mean the line specially reserved for boneheads

Okay, we know he's a smart guy and everything, but jeezus, this gaff from the AFL-CIO Democratic Forum puts him in the same league as the moron who sits in the office he wants:

Obama: I would immediately call the president of Mexico, the president of Canada to try to amend NAFTA

Canada, of course, has no president. It operates under a parliamentary system, and the head of government is the prime minister. Since February of last year that office has been held by Stephen Harper, leader of Canada's Conservative party.

Oops.