Another Milestone

The death of four U.S soldiers today added to the loss endured by our country by pushing the official Iraq death toll to the grim milestone of 4000 dead. Our prayers go to their families and fellow soldiers. Our venom goes to the men who sent them off to become that number.

And now a word from our sponsor...

Buy this shirt - because if you read this blog, you feel as we do that this man should be shoveling embers in hell.

Who are you and what the hell have you done with poor old Dick Cheney?

It is fascinating and simultaneously frightening to try to imagine what switch flipped in this man's head. To think 13 years ago he called it, all of it! To the last bloody detail. Amazing.

Most stunning line of the clip: ..."how many additional dead Americans is Saddam worth? And our judgment was not very many, and I think we got that right."

He has obviously cracked and needs to be pulled like a rotted tooth.

I can dream can't I?

The summer gives way to lazy afternoons and thoughts of whimsy, or at least that's what they say in those goddamn lemonade commercials. But if they are to be believed, then my summer daydreams kicked into high gear this morning with the release of the iPhone; causing me to wax fantastic by imagining my perfect summer day - it goes something like this:

10:06 am: wake up after 10 hours of undisturbed sleep
10:17 am: Getting the news via my new iPhone that Dick Cheney is getting impeached and will be removed from office
10:30 am: Waffles
10:57 am: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
11:42 am: More Waffles
12:36 pm: Something that involves nudity and spouse
1:06 pm: Nap by the pool
2:03 pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
2:05 pm: Buying an $85 bottle of Pinot Noir along with some Ben & Jerry's Turtle Soup and a lottery ticket to celebrate Dick going down
3:12 pm: Lunch by the pool
3:33 pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
4:23 pm: More nudity and spouse
5:17pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
5:19pm: Matinee of a summer movie that involves explosions, special effects and a plot that is worthy of my $10 bucks
7:45pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
8:00pm: Checking lottery numbers via my iPhone browser and discovering that I in fact, just won the lottery
8:01pm: Wildly flailing about running in all directions with middle fingers waving at anything that moves screaming "I own you and you and you and you and YOU!"
8:47pm: Gaining my composure with police officers Chavez and Dean
8:53pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
10:04pm: Settling into first class seat with spouse for flight to Paris with no luggage because we'll just buy new shit when we get there
10:06pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
11:03 pm: More nudity and spouse
11:18 pm: Being asked to return to our seats
11:21pm: Watching clip of Dick Cheney getting impeached and removed from office on my new iPhone
11:56pm: Nodding off on spouse's shoulder softly muttering "I own you and you and you and you z z z z z z z z zzzzzzzzzzzz"

Grumpy Old Men

Chilling does not begin to describe the above video. It is both a poignant metaphor and a literal statement as to how alone the President and Vice President are politically, intellectually, domestically and globally.

I wish I could feel sorry for them.

Don and Sancho forever

My Apologies again to everyone who tuned in Sunday morning to see me on Face The Nation with Bob Shieffer; I was supposed to be on to speak about the documents that I will be presenting Friday at a CSPAN meet 'n greet breakfast requesting that Alberto Gonzales, U.S. Attorney General admit he is no longer a Mexican.

It appears by all accounts, he has undergone the same procedure that Michael Jackson endured to eradicate his ethnicity as well (Jacko also ponied up a few extra bucks to be bleached and neutered). Turns out the Justice Department got wind of my appearance and put the screws to the folks at CBS. No sooner did I step out of my town car that I was met by the FTN producers to tell me I was being bumped for Sen. Chuck Schumer D-NY who was going to call only for his resignation. As if that wasn't bad enough, as soon as I got back into the car, my Blackberry goes off alerting me that Cerebral Itch is going to be audited next week.

Last Tuesday a small FedEx package ended up at our office door containing documents that laid out the slow descent of one Alberto Gonzales, who according to the evidence likes to now be called, Bert Gonnagle. The unsigned cover letter makes three simple conclusions that no Mexican male in his right mind is going to 1: happily work for more than one dumb gringo at a time (POTUS, Meirs, Rove, et al) if he doesn't have to 2. Ever use the word "quaint" and 3. Wear lifts. The document goes on to make the startling literary comparison (ironically a Spanish one) that Bert Gonnagle bears an uncanny resemblance to the fictional character Sancho Panza, the loyal sidekick to the delusional man of La Mancha, Don Quixote. Sancho is described as "Don Quixote's actual manservant [who] follows his master, puzzled but obedient. Riding a mule, [helping] el Quixote get out of scrapes while blithely looking forward to rewards of aventura that Quixote [promises] him.

The evidence and literary doppelganger are compelling as are the instances that have defined his career. He ham-handedly extricated Governor Bush from jury duty in 1996 and smoothed over the fact that he didn't disclose his 1976 drunk driving conviction during jury selection, helped Cheney lock up evidence surrounding the now infamous White House energy powwow with Enron as well as other shady folk and who could forget him getting all snuggly with his old boss John Ashcroft in penning the Patriot Act.

Through all this unquestionable loyalty to his superiors he was soon rewarded with an appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States. Pardon me, my error. He was passed over twice for that promotion...Hey wait a minute, he still is a Mexican!

Tuesdays are a bitch, just ask Scooter

So I thought I would be able to get a post up sooner, but my responsibilities as an alternate juror in the Lewis "Scooter" Libby case precluded me from doing so. It seems the raucous group that dropped the hammer on the little patsy today wanted to enjoy a $2 well drink/buffalo wing special down the street from the courthouse at a Bennigan's in celebration. One thing led to another and I'm sitting here at the bar with my laptop blogging while drunk off my ass with Tucker Carlson trying to get me to go in on Jello-shots for some barely-legal Georgetown hotties who keep looking this way. Frankly, the man bugs the shit out of me with all his sordid tales of how he is now "swimmin' in ass" since his foray on Dancing with the Stars.

I know several of the Sunday morning pundits praised our jury for being "analytical" and "careful" in the pursuit of truth; but I'd like to see their faces when practically every one of the jurors either mooned or flipped the bird to Libby's armored SUV as he drove past us. I think Libby's crew were actually going to come in but then recognized this lynch mob and beat feet outta here.

In about 20 minutes we're leaving to go out to Greta Van Susteren's for cocktails and then over to the Sofitel Hotel for a victory party the Wilson's are throwing. The last time we were out at Gretta's she had Neil Cavuto in a cupid's outfit for a Valentine's Day/Birthday gag for Brit Hume. I frankly was astonished at how accommodating Cavuto was for this sort of thing but then someone who goes to the same gym as he told me that Cavuto thinks he's hung and hoped the cherub outfit would support that rumor. Judging how most of the ladies were extending their pinkies while drinking after he would walk by, I took that as a silent statement of contradiction. It was a hoot nonetheless.

But I digress, Scooter Libby took the fall today for his Dick as well as Karl Rove, who most likely will be knocking back Chardonnay and laughing atop his stack of vintage 1920's Negress porn that yet another political bullet has whizzed past his head.

Okay, it appears that the bus DailyKos chartered for us is here - if I remember half of what happens tonight or don't end up in a dress, I'll be shocked.