New Holiday e-Cards for 2009 - some of our best

Far be it from us to rest on our laurels; plus, far be it from us to not create some more yuletide hilarity while blasted on a little Christmas cheer.  And don't worry, we're not stopping with polyorchidism-saddled elves, Santa ass-slapping and boobies. Oh no, we're just getting warmed up for the season.

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

Interstellar debris could really spruce the place up; I'm just sayin'.

"We got hosed"

The most factual (and hysterical) historical re-enactment of Thanksgiving you're ever going to see; courtesy of our unwitting youth.

Jesus, those pre-colonial crackers were bastards.

Polanksi - Chris Hansen Mash Up - God bless the Internets

Man, that little weasel is so screwed.

Who knew it was this easy to tighten your vagina

Look, it's Saturday night and I've been hitting the rosé - You click on one trashy banner ad you click on them all.

Well, there was this one that said "unleash your true sexual being". I'm thinking "what the hell - The wife's got a cold, it's Saturday night, I'll double down on that" and bingo! I hit the comedy jackpot.

Apparently there's this product that every sexually active male should be buying by the stone and keeping handy in the nightstand. Thanks to the Nobel Laureates over at St. Botanica, the loose vagina is no longer destined to be the butt of jokes (do I really need to point out that I combined "butt" and "vagina" in the same sentence?). Yes, according to their claims, they have concocted a tincture that will "help in Tighten and Restore the grip of Vagina" (I personally love that they elevate the vagina to a proper noun).

Rejoice Ladies, for there is an elixir that will do so much more than tighten and it is available for only $150 (12 tubes). The webpage for this product is a paper towel roll-long litany of claims that if true, I see St. Botanica banging out an AIDS and cancer cure in the next couple of weeks.

Personally, I think this kind of witchcraft is detestable. And girls, if truth be told, men think of vaginas like landings. Any one you can walk away from is a good one. Actually, if you can't walk away from the former, even better.

Greatest Facebook Quote ever...from my mother

"Can't believe some of the silliness I see on the site from friends who i was glad to hear from, some I don't really care about - but now know why i didn't get in touch before. How do I get off of this site?"

Nature: the ultimate muse

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

I heard of this a few weeks ago and finally got around to watching it. Beautiful.

You don't forget moments like this one

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
September 11, 2001
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

CALL HIM!

This backward disruptive turd needs to hear from all of us.

Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)
202-225-2452

 

To be filed under: "WTF!?"

As far as I'm concerned Facebook lost it's cool quotient a while back. But when Bruegger's Bagels can score 3,321 fans on their page complete with happy wall posts ("Rosemary & Olive Oil Bagels are the best!) by providing no redeeming content, it officially becomes reason 437,863 on why Facebook should be put down. Porn Star Facebook pages? sure. Politics? of course. I'll even tip my hat to some lame Twilight fan page; but goddamn bagels? That's just sick.

The only thing that brings me off the ledge is that there is a Facebook-killer out there somewhere on some geek's staging server ready to be funded or found that will go nova and kill everyone's favorite blue-hued time suck; and with it, goes Bruegger's...justice

Behold America! I give you your new spokesmodel!

So there was a local end-of-summer event this evening near the new Cerebral Itch offices; it promised good food, entertainment and fireworks. The venue is new and quite fetching. The Cerebral Itch family thought this lovely warm September evening would be a wonderful opportunity to venture out, be part of the community and risk some H1N1.

Well, it turned out to be an overcrowded fire marshal-hatin' cluster fuck of families and slow-moving food and beer lines. On the first recon lap of the joint, in a vain effort to try to find a place to sit, I come across the above family. I feign taking a picture of the building behind them so I can quickly drop the iPhone and snap a picture of this brood.

Now mind you, their appearance sadly was not all that different from a great majority of the people in attendance. What was so gripping about the scene was their absolute lack of self-awareness. Here they were in the middle of hundreds of people at dusk, still in their swimsuits, beached on concrete waiting for the band and the fireworks.

 

After the shallow and obvious comedy of the scene abated, the image of the boy stayed with me. I immediately saw him as a phenomenally accurate metaphor for our country right at this moment: Pubescent, fat, generally not that swift and shrouded in the flag in order to cover up shortcomings.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Okay Barry, let's get something straight here...

I watched you in 2004 give that historic speech at the Democratic National Convention and agreed with the pundits that this young chap from Chicago may have a shot at higher office. I defended your victory in Iowa as more than a fluke and went all in and declared you to be a harbinger of things to come. I stood in 95 degree desert heat for four hours to see you and be part of a movement that endeavored to wrest this county back from an administration that had an agenda different from the dimension I lived in. I shed a tear that November night it was declared that you were the first on so many levels. The iconic poster emblazoned with "HOPE" still hangs in my office. My story is so common; shared by so many others who agonized on that long two year road that you might not make it. But damn it, you did. And the world smiled. Okay Alaska and Wyoming didn't, but everyone else did.

So many problems, so many fires to extinguish. I thought surely this will be daunting but well within the wheelhouse of Obama, Axelrod, Plouffe, Emanuel and Biden. They beat back Hillary and the GOP for God sake. But instead, seven months later...you golf.

Your policies are half-measures and compromises. Nothing smacks of a moon shot or cancer cure. I was ready to match my grandparents and give up silk stockings and steak for the cause. I was ready to do whatever was necessary to foment the lightning in a bottle of a senate majority and political capital not seen since FDR's third term. But yet, you flitter it away.

Ironically, your team branded politics. You made it fashionable. Most people bought posters and t-shirts of you not out of ideology, but a desire to be cool. You beat the Limbaughs, Becks and Bachmans back into the shadows and lighted the way for the secular and educated. But now, people either fall asleep or brandish weapons at anachronistic town hall meetings.

You disappoint me Mr. President.

Quit smiling. quit waving, quit golfing and quit looking like you're having so much goddamn fun being the President. Start continually reminding the obtuse Republicans literally who's boss. Tell Pelosi and that cadaver Reid to get in line or get the hell out of the way. Give us something bold. Cash for Clunkers is not a legacy. One term is a stigma and organic gardens are punchlines.


Quite frankly sir, we weren't hoping for this.

Cerebral Itch now makes "Bitter" e-cards - Yeah, we know, "what a stretch"

 

One recession-soaked morning we had finally had enough. And, instead of shooting up a public gathering place we decided to channel our angst into the well-worn medium of e-cards. There's 12 of them and frankly they're hilarious if you like jokes about suicide, Jesus, barricaded snipers and Obama's innate ability to piss away a senate majority. Okay, we've said too much; just go check them out here.

The "Scotch Korean" Starburst Commercial

If any of you think you're funny, watch this and realize just how far you have to go up the funny ladder to get close to the pinnacle of hilarity this Starburst commercial achieves.

Fantasy Obit: Jon Gosselin

I mean really, now that he's hosted a Vegas pool party and given his eight kids a legacy to be ashamed of, what else does this doughy putz have to live for.

The Two Most Unforgettable Movie Performances this Summer

Despite their characters coming from profoundly differently genres, the two most unforgettable performances from this summer's crop of movies did have two things in common: hideous appendages and jaw-dropping talent.


Mr. Leslie Chow (The Hangover)

While Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper and of course, Zach Galifianakis were made stars from The Hangover, and rightly so; Ken Jeong owned his scenes and eclipsed his co-stars while giving hands-down, the most hilarious performance of the summer. From the first moment his gay Chinese Vegas gangster literally burst onto the screen with that tiny penis, the femme wave of his hand and delivery of what should be the newest addition to the pantheon of famous movie goodbyes: "toodaloo mutha fucka" - you knew you were watching timeless comedy gold.

Wikus Van De Merwe (District 9)

His name is Sharlto Copely. Remember it, because you will see it at Oscar time as a nominee for best actor. District 9 is probably one of the best science fiction movies since Alien because it is so much more than science fiction. It has allegories befitting Shakespeare and filmmaking that deftly jetés between documentary style and back behind the fourth wall all while you have this man delivering nothing but complex performances that range from bumbling incompetence to heroic pathos. The entertainment press states he has no acting experience whatsoever, which must really piss off those who do knowing they could never come close to the job this guy did.

Really Google?!

On the day of a Kennedy memorial plus two wars, a cantankerous national health care debate and an educational system in free-fall; you give your hallowed masthead to a sexually notorious narcotics-addled man-boy killed by a Vegas quack who enabled a tragic addiction? Bad call kids, bad call.

I think I may bookmark Bing.

Cerebral Itch makes hilariously ribald Vegas-themed e-cards

There's 18 of'em and frankly, they're some of our best.

If you've ever been to Vegas, planning a trip to Vegas or been arrested there, then these e-cards are for you. And unlike the notorious marketing chestnut, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". We would very much like for these e-cards to leave Vegas and be shared en masse; sort of like compromising photographs and chlamydia. You can find them here.

Beat down

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Betsy McCaughey Extended Interview Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

Watch the above and read this. Then thank god for Jon Stewart sticking it to the small-brained obfuscators when no one else in front of a camera will.

Social Media factoids that'll trip you out

While some of the figures in this compelling presentation are dubious (Amazon/Kindle puh-leeze), one still cannot deny the anecdotal and ubiquitous evidence that we may in fact be in the midst of societal change similar in scope to that of the Industrial Revolution.

Gold is no longer found in California rivers and South African caves but now on the web and our cell phones courtesy of the desire to connect with each other. And to that I say, OMG.

Senator Edward Kennedy, RIP

Say what you will, nobody fought harder and with more sincerity and conviction than this man. The last of a family whose sole purpose was serving the public and giving back regardless of their station.

Morons in their natural habitat

Take it away Arizona State Senator Sylvia Allen (R)...

and now Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade...

It used to be witty firebrands like Lenny Bruce and Gore Vidal who skirted the peripheries of the First Amendment. Now elected creationist dipshits and Fox News mouth-breathers are the ones who currently test the concept of free speech by simply being functionally illiterate and having access to a microphone.

Stunning. Absolutely stunning.

Michael Jackson: Let us RIP...please

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I am by no stretch a fan of either of these pugnacious blowhards, but damn it if Donny Deutsch doesn't hit it on the head. This isn't about Jackson anymore, it's about the displaced affection of millions for someone who was mentally unbalanced and tragic.

He was no philanthopist of note by the standards set by some of his generation. Nor was he an activist in comparison to others in his industry. As evidenced today in a spectacle tantamount to deification (to take a page from Mr. Deutsch's polemic), he was an eccentric and quintessentially unique performer who gave friends and associates fond memories that none of us will ever experience. We learned from his daughter, as irony would have it, he apparently was a good father; and damn well he should be after dangling an infant out a window.

With that said, please go away Jackson brood and accompanying sycophants. Bathe yourself in disputed royalties and grant Michael a peace long deserved. Take your legal fights to the shadows and let us remember him for the one gift he gave us... Some really good tunes.

Happy Fourth of July!

Farah and Michael my ass...Heaven itself wept when these two geniuses left us.

Have a happy and safe Fourth from Cerebral Itch

Unofficial Cerebral Itch Hometown Hero:Steve Ryan

We don't even go down to Fremont Street without the appropriate shots and infection control precautions, but when you're a reporter trying to build your reel for the network boys, you do what ya' gotta' do.

Steve Ryan of the Las Vegas ABC affiliate went down to the visored esplanade of shit, otherwise known as Fremont Street to do a little piece on the Jacko/Vegas connection (I know, weak). Cue the man-boob saddled lout hell-bent on fucking up Ryan's remote. After a few passes in front of the camera, Ryan helps Fatty Arbuckle out by bitch-slapping him on what has now become a national YouTube fave - most notably, seen tonight on MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

We heartily endorse dismissing things like composure when a drunk fat white guy is screwing with your gig. We're just sad Ryan wasn't carrying pepper spray or a tazer. Now that would've been funny watching Curly writhing on the ground as Ryan motioned to the cameraman to get a close up of that. Well, we can dream.

Here's to you Steve Ryan! Your free "Kiss My Ass" t-shirt is waiting for you.

Behold - the first Cerebral Itch e-card iPhone app has risen...it has risen indeed

That's right people! We have officially joined the big leagues and went and built ourselves an iPhone app loaded with our e-cards. It was officially approved by Apple last Friday and it is now for sale on iTunes.

As we said, this is the first of many more apps to come out of our new division, Powered by Cerebral Itch. Later this month an uncensored version complete with everyone's favorite saucy cards will be for sale. Side note: Apple sh*tcanned that version last month so we went back to the drawing board, stripped the app of all things we felt the corporate tight-asses would deem offensive and created "kleen-cards - the sanitized version"; apparently it worked.

So here are the details:

We're Back! The Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad Staff has been reunited!

I suppose apologies are in order.

Just like all stories of infidelity, they must begin with a chance meeting that accelerates into a torrid pleasure-fest where both parties ego's are being fed by paper-thin affections and co-dependence. And that was essentially us with the whole "Viva Chuck Todd" and "Viva Rachel Maddow" thing. If you have no idea what we're talking about, consider yourself lucky. For the lucky ones, we'll recap: Last year during the heat of the historic and wacky election season we thought it would be funny to start up a fansite for the doughy and intellectually alluring NBC Political Director, Chuck Todd. Well, somewhere around Memorial Day weekend 2008, MSNBC's morning show, Morning Joe picked us up and plastered the damn site all over the TV = massive traffic. Then Tim Russert died and because Chuck Todd was his Padawan, we got shit-hammered again on the traffic. Anyway, to make a long story short, we thought we'd hit a gravy train and could ride this sucker for all it was worth through election day and come out the other end lightin' cigars with $100 bills. We even went to Denver for the Democratic National Convention to meet these peeps and started a goddamn Chuck Todd fan club on our own dime.

Boy, is my ass sore.

Nothing came of our efforts (blogs, merchandise, e-cards, etc.) and at the end of the day we were maintaining three blogs while trying to get Cerebral Itch to turn a profit. Talk about taking your eye off the ball.

So here's the deal: No more Chuck Todd, no more Rachel Maddow, No more MSNBC. We're all about Cerebral Itch, riffing on pop culture and trying to get Veejay laid.

So with that said, we're sorry and we're back.

Swine Flu Sale

Far be it from us to not capitalize on a global event. Hell, if we had a card we could connect with Susan Boyle and make a sale, we'd do it in a hot second. Seriously though, this is one of our most popular cards and now thanks to the ruthless efficiency of opportunistic viruses leaping species, this card is now on sale for a buck.

Okay, that's it for tonight. We have to pack for an early morning plane flight to Oaxaca. You would not believe the sweet deal we got.

god bless Christopher Hitchens - heh ;)

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

April 8: According to a new Newsweek poll, 62 percent of Americans consider the U.S. a Christian nation down from the 69 percent at the end of former President George Bush's presidency last year. Another 68 percent say religion is losing its influence on American life. Family Research Council's Ken Blackwell and Vanity Fair's Christopher Hitchens discuss.

Fear not

World Builder from Bruce Branit on Vimeo.
For those of you that fear that creativity is imperiled by the mediums that dominate today, watch this amazing short film and take heart that a new age of enlightenment may find us thanks to the "palettes and chisels" from our wonderful machines of silicon.

Absolute Bullshit

One of the most talented of American artists is forced to endure the indignity of financial stress due to anachronistic and bigoted policies.

Ah Rush - you make me smile

Ludicrous.

WineNerdNation.com is ours beeotches!

On a recent episode of Wine Library TV, Gary Vaynerchuk offhandedly coined the term "Wine Nerd Nation". It doesn't take a genius nor a devotee of Vaynerchuk's online marketing hustle to realize that that's a kickass domain. So...we bought it! Ha! We win. And, we pointed it to our hilarious Cerebral Itch wine labels.

That my friends, is "Smurfing" it up and "doing damage" between 7 and 2.

"That is surreal"

Get ready to have your mind f'kn blown by a dust storm in Australia captured on video.

Cerebral Itch Valentine's Day Card and Wine Label Sale

In honor of romance in a crappy economy, we went and dropped the price of our Valentine's Day greeting cards and wine labels to $2.95 each (down from tree fiddy). There's stuff for lovers, for singles and downright bitter people who think this holiday is a joke (and those are the ones that get invited to Cerebral Itch functions).

And we know we've said this before, but if this isn't some of the best schwag we've ever created then we just aren't the sexy funny mofos we think we are.

ZOINKS! They do what?!

Juvenile? Yes. Hilarious? Oh yeah.

Asshole

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

Samuel Johnson (1709–84)

You claim that history will judge you in a fairer light. With that said, I promise you Mr. President that I will remind my children, and my children's children that I survived the worst president in our country's history. Which I might add, was no small feat with you at the helm.

Go away and prepare to be haunted by the ghosts you made.

I apologize in advance to those who might be offended by the following - technically known as "those who have a stick up their ass"

Don't feel bad if at the end of this video (granted, if you can see through your tears of laughter) you covet a balloon animal's life.

RIP: Ricardo Montalban 1920-2008

May we all raise a glass to the best Star Trek villain ever, the consummate island host and the smoothest Latino leading man of the past century. Vaya con dios Ricardo, vaya con dios.

Hot Dandy! Blogojevich Balls are now for sale

If this country didn't have a sense of humor it would stick it's head in an oven.

God bless the artists

The Chicago Tribune picked our wine labels for their holiday entertaining guide

And yet again, we're referred to as "snarky".

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Those hilarious bastards over at The Onion humble me.

Shrinkage is the least of his worries

New year's skier in Vail - read about this hell here

What the hell did CNN expect?

Nonetheless, it is a classic retort.