Who knew it was this easy to tighten your vagina

Look, it's Saturday night and I've been hitting the rosé - You click on one trashy banner ad you click on them all.

Well, there was this one that said "unleash your true sexual being". I'm thinking "what the hell - The wife's got a cold, it's Saturday night, I'll double down on that" and bingo! I hit the comedy jackpot.

Apparently there's this product that every sexually active male should be buying by the stone and keeping handy in the nightstand. Thanks to the Nobel Laureates over at St. Botanica, the loose vagina is no longer destined to be the butt of jokes (do I really need to point out that I combined "butt" and "vagina" in the same sentence?). Yes, according to their claims, they have concocted a tincture that will "help in Tighten and Restore the grip of Vagina" (I personally love that they elevate the vagina to a proper noun).

Rejoice Ladies, for there is an elixir that will do so much more than tighten and it is available for only $150 (12 tubes). The webpage for this product is a paper towel roll-long litany of claims that if true, I see St. Botanica banging out an AIDS and cancer cure in the next couple of weeks.

Personally, I think this kind of witchcraft is detestable. And girls, if truth be told, men think of vaginas like landings. Any one you can walk away from is a good one. Actually, if you can't walk away from the former, even better.