Dick, Dick and oooh - yum! Dick!

Today was a big day for contrition. Alberto Gonzales said "adios" and reminisced on his humble beginnings and his blessed ascent to presidential shill and high-profile forgetful retard. Michael Vick announced he has found Christ as a result of his helping dogs meet God via his Krakow kennels. And late in the day, Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) tried to clear up the misunderstanding surrounding his intentions in a bathroom stall at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where a police report states he was looking for some companionship in the form of a, well, a penis.

A rough day all around for the rest of us who look for reasons to go on. We were pretty much reminded before dinner time how fucked-up we as a society truly are. Gonzales oversaw 49 justice and law enforcement agencies with moral vapidity and the intellectual acumen of a Kinko's employees (apologies to Kinko's employees, but you know it's true). Vick has been paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 million since 2000 and used a portion of that to house, torture and kill dogs while laughing and sipping Cristal with his buddies. The Senior Senator from Idaho has been a fierce supporter of President Bush on immigration and energy issues and felt that parts of New Orleans should be condemned after Katrina. He also holds his moral beliefs close as he voted against cloture on a bill in 2002, which would have extended the federal definition of hate crimes to cover sexual orientation even though he cruises airport bathrooms for something other than fragrant foaming hand soap.

Let us all raise a glass in celebrating the fall of these morons who believe they can operate above us. Then again, a reminder to all of those "above us"; keep doing what you're doing because watching you fall is spectacular.

We interupt this blog for some serious shit

The beautifully succinct and oft-referenced Woody Allen bon mots "tragedy plus time equals comedy" no longer fits the state of affairs where the current administration is concerned. The idiocies and insipid statements made do not get the proper period of fermentation necessary to make them funny or develop to full ironic splendor. It is with that realization that we step back for a moment and ask our fair readers for some feedback. What makes you all Howard Beale over the current state of affairs? What makes you want to move to Canada or hurl a flaming Stoli bottle full of gasoline over the White House fence?

In a hastily planned press conference this morning, Bush said the Congress had no business telling him how to run a war. I'm sorry Mr. President, but as impotent as they may seem, they are still the people's representatives. Not to put too fine a point on it, they are quite empowered by Article 1 - Section 8 of the United States Constitution to indeed exert great influence on the executive branch where war is concerned; all at the behest of their constituencies . But then again, one waxes presumptuous and ideological when one assumes you Mr. President and your sycophants respect the intricacies of the Constitution or that two-thirds of this particular Congress has the stones to engage you in a constitutional cagefight.

With that said, today's press conference made us apoplectic and also made us think: what pisses you, the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad reader off? Perhaps it is one or more of the following:

• A delusional, failed and cancerous president
  
• Chertoff's prognosticative gut
• Alberto Gonzales just being alive
• The reprehensible treatment of our dutiful servicemen and their families
  
• Cheney's Belligerence
• Pelosi's timidity in the face of fascism
• Giuliani's charade
• Hillary's laser-guided trajectory to the nomination
• Or your own personal favorite

Tell us.

Leave a comment on this blog, anonymous or otherwise. We are going to turn off the lights for a few days so this post stays at the top, so whomever finds this posting can easily read it and chime in as they please. We encourage interaction. And while Veejay's (see previous post) exploits may be quite humorous, it's getting harder to laugh each passing day.

Please leave your comments and/or pass this posting on to others. The comments left here will be aggregated and passed on to the appropriate Representatives and Senators en masse.

We'll be back on Tuesday

I'm just saying...

10 damn good reasons to drink yourself deaf, dumb and blind this Memorial Day weekend

One of the fortuitous things about penning a blog these days is the seemingly bottomless font of news and pop-culture detritus that you can swim in and skewer to your heart's content. But then you have weeks like the one we just had, where the steady rain of news becomes a shit storm of biblical proportions causing you to collapse on the floor like an epileptic kid in front of the wall of televisions at Best Buy. So in order to keep our mood hovering just slightly above suicidal, we thought we'd punt and put together a list of things that justify a weekend booze run that looks like you're buying cases of water before a hurricane.

1. Currently having impure thoughts about providing Monica Goodling "comfort" if you know what I'm saying
2. The promise: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" pretty much getting lost in a bureaucratic circle-jerk usually reserved for half-assed wars and healthcare
   
3. That you actually thought the gasbag pussies also known as the 110th United States Congress would've done what the majority of the electorate wanted and not be slaves to their own calculating machinations of byzantine political cowardice
   
4. Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's End making more money this weekend than an average sampling of 50 school districts get budgeted collectively in a year
5. That these people will be enjoying a holiday weekend that honors our fallen with their family and friends: Douglas Feith, General Tommy Franks, Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, George Tenet, Condoleeza Rice, Paul Bremer
   
6. That these people will not
7. If you spent as much on a date as you will filling up your car; you might've gotten laid more
8. Heroes is over
   
9. That we have a president that wipes bird poop off of his jacket with his own finger
10. Paris Hilton's sentence may be reduced
    

CHEERS! And feel free to add some of your own in the comments.

Don and Sancho forever

My Apologies again to everyone who tuned in Sunday morning to see me on Face The Nation with Bob Shieffer; I was supposed to be on to speak about the documents that I will be presenting Friday at a CSPAN meet 'n greet breakfast requesting that Alberto Gonzales, U.S. Attorney General admit he is no longer a Mexican.

It appears by all accounts, he has undergone the same procedure that Michael Jackson endured to eradicate his ethnicity as well (Jacko also ponied up a few extra bucks to be bleached and neutered). Turns out the Justice Department got wind of my appearance and put the screws to the folks at CBS. No sooner did I step out of my town car that I was met by the FTN producers to tell me I was being bumped for Sen. Chuck Schumer D-NY who was going to call only for his resignation. As if that wasn't bad enough, as soon as I got back into the car, my Blackberry goes off alerting me that Cerebral Itch is going to be audited next week.

Last Tuesday a small FedEx package ended up at our office door containing documents that laid out the slow descent of one Alberto Gonzales, who according to the evidence likes to now be called, Bert Gonnagle. The unsigned cover letter makes three simple conclusions that no Mexican male in his right mind is going to 1: happily work for more than one dumb gringo at a time (POTUS, Meirs, Rove, et al) if he doesn't have to 2. Ever use the word "quaint" and 3. Wear lifts. The document goes on to make the startling literary comparison (ironically a Spanish one) that Bert Gonnagle bears an uncanny resemblance to the fictional character Sancho Panza, the loyal sidekick to the delusional man of La Mancha, Don Quixote. Sancho is described as "Don Quixote's actual manservant [who] follows his master, puzzled but obedient. Riding a mule, [helping] el Quixote get out of scrapes while blithely looking forward to rewards of aventura that Quixote [promises] him.

The evidence and literary doppelganger are compelling as are the instances that have defined his career. He ham-handedly extricated Governor Bush from jury duty in 1996 and smoothed over the fact that he didn't disclose his 1976 drunk driving conviction during jury selection, helped Cheney lock up evidence surrounding the now infamous White House energy powwow with Enron as well as other shady folk and who could forget him getting all snuggly with his old boss John Ashcroft in penning the Patriot Act.

Through all this unquestionable loyalty to his superiors he was soon rewarded with an appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States. Pardon me, my error. He was passed over twice for that promotion...Hey wait a minute, he still is a Mexican!