Loudmouths: Compare and Contrast

One of the inescapable phenomena in today's political climate are the plethora of pundits that threaten to block out the sun with their sheer numbers. There are those that stand out from the rest due to their bombast, intellect or sheer stupidity. We know the all-stars: Limbaugh, Savage, Malkin, Hannity and Beck. On the Left side of the shoutin' match you got your Olbermann, Maddow and Rhodes. What many people don't realize is that the intellectual prowess of one side kicks the living shit out of the other. Ironically, the side with the most followers, has the fewest credentials proving they have a little more than a smooth brain in their head.

All of this was brought to the fore by a blazingly enjoyable moment on Hardball with Chris Matthews. A little known right-wing radio commentator named Kevin James (not to be confused with fat d-lister Kevin James of CBS King of Queens fame) was paired with AirAmerica owner, Mark Green for an on-air debate surrounding another Bush fuck-up in which our President so much branded an unnamed Democrat an appeaser using the context of Hitler in front of the Israeli Parliament. Chris Matthews who fancies himself an armchair historian took it upon himself to do a little history check to see if James could back up his high-volume declaration that Barack Obama was an appeaser on par with Sudetenland seller, Neville Chamberlain. Well, this is what happened (grab some Kleenex now, because you're going to need it from the tears of laughter you'll be shedding):



The fact that this moron couldn't give Matthews a high school freshman rundown of WWII history brought to mind the fact that practically all of the right-wing pundits should be changing tires at Sears Auto Centers or putting together Happy Meals. Allow me to illustrate:

Rush Limbaugh: Flunked out after two semesters at Southeast Missouri State University and soon entered radio where he got his big break replacing Morton Downey Jr. We'll leave it at that.

Michael Savage: Probably the most educated of all, except none of it is germane to politics or journalism. Michael Savage aka Michael Alan Weiner (sometimes you can't make this shit up) has a Ph.D. from Berkeley in nutritional ethnomedicine. Which led him to be a disciple of LSD prophet Timothy Leary. A fan of Lenny Bruce and Alan Ginsberg, Savage was quite liberal in his day and somewhere around 1980 he went right...hard. Today, words like "fascist", "homophobic" and "bigot" follow Savage wherever he goes. Savage's book titles speak volumes, no pun intended: The Enemy Within: Saving America from the Liberal Assault on Our Schools, Faith, and Military, Liberalism Is a Mental Disorder and The Savage Nation.

Okay, enough with the Right-Wing nutjobs, let's examine the more vociferous liberal media megaphones.

Keith Olbermann: Host of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Olbermann's sails have caught the wind of Bush disapproval and as a more toned down love affair alternative to the likes of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Olbermann is considered ridiculously bright as evidenced in his graduation from high school at 16 and entry into Cornell University. He has had a rocky relationship with his employers such as ESPN and MSNBC, but assuages the occupational bumps with substance and awards, like the Edward R. Murrow Award he received for reporting from the site of the 9-11 attacks for 40 days on ABC Radio and Los Angeles radio station KFWB. His recent Special Comment about Bush giving up golf as a personal sacrifice in light of his war has caught fire online and galvanized rancor amongst Republicans and Democrats alike.

Rachel Maddow: Host of the Rachel Maddow Show on Air America Radio and frequent MSNBC Political Commentator. Maddow is a Rhodes Scholar by way of Stanford and Oxford. I'll stop right there out of mercy for the rest. Oh, and formerly of Fox News, John Gibson likes to point out she's a lesbian. Kudos to Maddow for not pointing out that he's an ugly retarded heterosexual.

At this point I will refrain from shining a light on the rest only to tell you that the trend continues on both sides. The right-wing punditry is pathetically outclassed on the intellectual front. Does this invite cries of elitism and bleeding-heart liberalism? Sure it does. But please remember back to when your functional illiterate bullies in grade school always made fun of the geeks and fags.

Gone are the days of Will, Buckley, Vidal and Mailer. Their mantle has been seized by loudmouth assholes with little regard for topical fact, history and a cursory knowledge of the constitution. Extinct are the moments on Dick Cavett where the intellectuals would square off and piss each other off in a cerebral three-dimensional chess game of one-upsmanship under the cloud of war (Viet Nam) or social unrest (Kent State). Now, it's who can yell the loudest, blame the boldest and get the hell out of the way fastest so their mindless pitchfork and torch bearing masses can do the rest.

Fine, give me my pitchfork. I'm with the geeks and fags.

Olberman goes all Howard Beale on the President's Ass - and rightly so

Vituperative brilliance aimed at an awful and stupid man. Seeing that his world came true, Paddy Chayefsky must be quite melancholy in heaven these days.

Ahoy Pedro

Aside from all the stellar jokes one could make about the Mexican Navy, this is just plain f*%$ed up.

Viva La Pequeña

I think I found Hillary's running mate.

{Didn't think I could top that Anderson Cooper Loves Bears video did you?}

Hey Hillary! Here's your new campaign song

Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good lord split you.

Anderson Cooper Loves Bears

Jesus, I need to get the creative genius who did this hilarious editing mash-up on our staff.

Oh well now the Super Delegates can align

According to CNN, Elizabeth Taylor is endorsing Hillary Clinton.

I really don't think I need to say any more.

Cerebral Itch Movie Review: Iron Man

Summer is here and that usually means vapid movie fare on the likes of Prom Night or some half-assed comedy for tweens. Well, if Iron Man is any indication of what we can expect this summer, seeing stuff go boom just got a hell of a lot smarter, classier and fun.

Not to bore you with the details, Iron Man is yet another Marvel comic book adaptation. And that is the only connection it shares with it's brethren in the form of crap like the Fantastic Four and two out of the three Spiderman movies; this film ladies and gentlemen, does not suck - not even close.

Robert Downey Jr. plays the protagonist Tony Stark with great relish and gravity as every fanboy who ever read Iron Man wished him to be played. In the pantheon of skilled actors giving a fantasy role every ounce of their talent, Downey's Tony Stark is this year's Jack Sparrow. Jeff Bridges plays antagonist Obadiah Stane, a villain that Dick Cheney would have a man-crush on. Terrence Howard and Gwyneth Paltrow also do some fine work all under the direction of Jon Favreau (Swingers, Elf). This is a movie with four actors who, at one time or another, have been recognized by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences with either a nomination or Oscar; It shows.

Look, this movie is about a genius arms merchant/jackass playboy who has an epiphany at the hands of Afghani bastards and realizes he's part of the problem, leading him to manufacture an armed-to-the-teeth hi-tech exoskeleton that does things you only wish you could do stuck in rush hour. Cutting to the chase (as this movie does quite well), Iron Man is a wonderfully far-fetched, splendidly executed blast of a movie. It's worth your gas money, and that my friends is saying something these days.

From the So Freaky Your Head Will Explode Files : Cher dated Tom Cruise

According to a yet to be aired interview conducted by Oprah, Cher discloses that long ago she dated and even shacked up with a then up and coming young actor named Tom Cruise. Yeah, I know. Let me print that for you again: Cher admits that long ago she dated and even shacked up with a then up and coming young actor named Tom Cruise.

Okay, aside from all the rumors about Cruise and his pansexual ways, the Scientology and his nutjob Manson-like intensity this has an eeew factor up there with AARP orgies. When you have the ultimate cougar, Cher, dishing with Oprah, who as far as we're concerned has the worst possible taste in celebrity friends (i.e. John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Jennifer Anniston, et al) film (Catwoman, Basic Instict 2, Bee Movie, et al) and music (Josh Groban, Il Divo, James Blount, et al) chattering like dirty old hags about banging the Risky Business kid twenty years ago you got yourself a shark jumping moment devoid of all dignity.

It easy to see why Cher dragged this chestnut out of the muck for all to imagine. She needs to juice her image for her new Vegas gig at Ceasar's Palace. But c'mon, why have we not heard of this before? "He was so wonderful. And I was so crazy about him," said Cher, "And he was so, like, different. He was a shy boy. He didn't have any money." And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the cougar prey profile : hot, shy, poor and 16 years younger - "c'mere and let mommy give you a special hug".

Now let it be said that the editorial staff has nothing against the legendary loveliness that comes from an experienced woman teaching a young buck the ways of the world. We just have a problem with the jumping-out-of-the-cake nature of this bombshell and the absolute lack of sexual chemistry it conjures up. This love connection rivals Melissa Etheridge and David Crosby. It certainly doesn't have any of the panache of let's say, Doris Day and Rock Hudson or Wayland Flowers and Madame for that matter.

Well, we wish all involved the best, because careers are slouching towards nadirs and I guess at this point all they have are memories. Lurid, tabloid-esque, I need to take a shower kind of memories that most of us could've done without.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Paula Abdul we know and love - Welcome Back!

The batshit loopy PR nightmare that was the Paula Abdul of last season appeared to have been a victim of a summer rendition who was spirited away somewhere never to be heard from again. The new Paula had come into this season of American Idol shockingly lucid and dare I say, competent. Hell, she even pooped out a pablum dance number with pop associate Randy Jackson. Well, someone left the gate open, because the boozin', Xanax poppin, word-slurrin' sloppy cougar is back and American Idol just got interesting again.

In short, last night's show had each contestant perform two Neil Diamond songs (yes, viewers were subjected to 10 Neil Diamond songs in total). At the halfway mark, the judges gave their appraisals (even though stick-boy Seacrest stated earlier that they were going to give their comments after they performed all the songs...whatever). Anyway, when the camera got to Paula she shuffled her notes like a crazy lady at the market trying to find a cat food coupon and proceeded to give one contestant first song and second song critiques (even though he had yet to perform the second song) while everyone looked on aghast, embarrassed and amused. Randy and Simon tried to help her out to no avail; she just kept digging and looking like a 107 year-old woman at her own birthday party.

Simply put, if Paula's drinking again, I'm watching again!

Charlie Rose by Samuel Beckett

This is why inexpensive video editing software and the Internet were invented. Genius.

"Elitist" my ass

Let's see, he eloquently ripped the veil off of racism on live television and displayed it to the nation; annunciated how it's been percolating on both sides beneath political correctness for the past 30-odd years. And now, in a rather clumsy off-the-cuff statement, he's getting labeled an "elitist" by opponents for facts that the actual people he refers to admit freely. There's a certain glimpse one can get at another's character when they don't shy away from calling bullshit on their detractors. Especially when those detractors own eight homes, fly on corporate jets and have difficulty sourcing millions of dollars stated on tax returns, yet still claim to be simple down home gun-totin' Christian folk fightin' for the little man.



With that said, Cerebral Itch has some special edition t-shirts on the drawing boards. Let us know which one you would wear. If enough of you like a particular one, we'll go to print with it next week.

You know where we stand, where do you?

Fantasy Obit: Naomi Campbell

She's spitting on police now - literally! The long in the tooth and short on the temper has-been supermodel spit on a cop at London's Heathrow airport in yet another altercation. If she was a guy, somebody would have soundly and justifiably kicked her skinny ass by now and if she was a dog, they would have...well, you get my drift.

Cerebral Itch American Idol Update: Dolly Parton Jumps the {Jesus} Shark Last Night

As our regular readers know we've been keeping our powder dry and not commenting on the latest season of American Idol. Despite the fact that it's been touted as the most talent-packed gathering of young singers we frankly haven't seen anything particularly newsworthy or any performances nearing the level of excellence we all enjoyed during the Fantasia/Jennifer Hudson season 3 (okay, that David Cook/Billie Jean number was pretty cool).

But last night, the gods or should we say Jesus smiled on us. Dolly Parton was the relic they trotted out this week for the contestants to cover and last night she performed her new song - Jesus and Gravity. Yes, that's correct, a pop song that combines religion and science - bold. From the sweet affable hillbilly pixie who gave us classics like Jolene, 9 to 5 and Here you come again we got an off-pitch, screechy Jesus song one might see on a Sunday morning cable channel Christian ministry hootenanny. According to the lyrics, Jesus has wings and he's Dolly's friend. So much so she blurted his name 11 times in the song and each time made Simon Cowell convulse in pain. So in short, Dolly Parton jumped the shark last night and went from country music icon to loony, cat loving church lady.

One must admit that the best part of the night was when, at the close of the song, she pointed at the judges and screamed, "Hallelujah Simon!" and chatted with Ryan Seacrest about how she has Jesus and he has Simon. It was the most bizarre and painful thing to watch Seacrest be gracious yet see his face contorted into a fake smile masking sympathy. Thank god for Simon though; his face masked nothing but contempt for Dolly who had just alienated huge swaths of his TV audience with a crappy Christian-based song that had no mainstream commercial appeal or financial upside. It was American Idol after all.

Children of the Corn for real

Now we have a panoply of things that could really kill us: crossing the street, drug-resistant staph, the weather, etc. But none of those things rarely rise to the level of fear like during our morning commute fretting whether or not we DVR'd our favorite show. But then there are those few things, so irrationally implausible, yet conceivable that make us piss our knickers. Like city dwellers afraid of poisonous snakes or rural folk afraid of black people. But I think the one thing we can all agree on that would make you want to sit in your locked house with a loaded rifle on your lap is a pack of Ritalin-crazed third graders with the intent to stab you with a dull steak knife.

Stephen King plot notwithstanding, the very thing was just uncovered at an elementary school in Waycross, Georgia. Some teacher had apparently reprimanded a little hellion for standing on a chair and by doing so, she apparently crossed the line for these kids where retribution became necessary. So instead of drawing obscene pictures of her on their pee-chee folders, about nine kids banded together and whipped up a plan and a gym bag of evil with handcuffs, duct tape, a paperweight for rendering her unconscious and a busted steak knife for the denouement.

According to law enforcement, the types of students this teacher makes her paycheck from are students with learning disabilities, including attention deficit disorder, delayed development and hyperactivity. Add homicidal tendencies to the list and she gets a raise.

Now one could see teenagers doing this or your run of the mill disgruntled office worker, but a bunch of wee tots? Maybe it's time to cut junior's sugar intake, TV viewing and lift the spanking moratorium for the next 10 years. Seriously, what do you do with a bunch of kids that have conspiracy to commit a malicious act involving cutlery on their student record? How the hell does a future teacher discipline a kid who has whispering Gregorian chants on their iPod? I'll tell you how you straighten these pups out: Ship them off to Guantanamo. Most of us have issues with a vast majority of the current inmates being deprived due process and murky extensions of civil liberties. But a bunch of little f%#kers who think it's cool to ice their third grade teacher. God knows me and the majority of parents just trying to do the right thing would cough up $39.95 for pay-per-view to watch those kids shuffling around sugar-free in shackles and a snappy orange jumpsuit with Sergeant Dontfuckwithme teaching them who really has the bigger gym bag of evil.