Ladies and Gentlemen, the Paula Abdul we know and love - Welcome Back!

The batshit loopy PR nightmare that was the Paula Abdul of last season appeared to have been a victim of a summer rendition who was spirited away somewhere never to be heard from again. The new Paula had come into this season of American Idol shockingly lucid and dare I say, competent. Hell, she even pooped out a pablum dance number with pop associate Randy Jackson. Well, someone left the gate open, because the boozin', Xanax poppin, word-slurrin' sloppy cougar is back and American Idol just got interesting again.

In short, last night's show had each contestant perform two Neil Diamond songs (yes, viewers were subjected to 10 Neil Diamond songs in total). At the halfway mark, the judges gave their appraisals (even though stick-boy Seacrest stated earlier that they were going to give their comments after they performed all the songs...whatever). Anyway, when the camera got to Paula she shuffled her notes like a crazy lady at the market trying to find a cat food coupon and proceeded to give one contestant first song and second song critiques (even though he had yet to perform the second song) while everyone looked on aghast, embarrassed and amused. Randy and Simon tried to help her out to no avail; she just kept digging and looking like a 107 year-old woman at her own birthday party.

Simply put, if Paula's drinking again, I'm watching again!

Cerebral Itch American Idol Update: Dolly Parton Jumps the {Jesus} Shark Last Night

As our regular readers know we've been keeping our powder dry and not commenting on the latest season of American Idol. Despite the fact that it's been touted as the most talent-packed gathering of young singers we frankly haven't seen anything particularly newsworthy or any performances nearing the level of excellence we all enjoyed during the Fantasia/Jennifer Hudson season 3 (okay, that David Cook/Billie Jean number was pretty cool).

But last night, the gods or should we say Jesus smiled on us. Dolly Parton was the relic they trotted out this week for the contestants to cover and last night she performed her new song - Jesus and Gravity. Yes, that's correct, a pop song that combines religion and science - bold. From the sweet affable hillbilly pixie who gave us classics like Jolene, 9 to 5 and Here you come again we got an off-pitch, screechy Jesus song one might see on a Sunday morning cable channel Christian ministry hootenanny. According to the lyrics, Jesus has wings and he's Dolly's friend. So much so she blurted his name 11 times in the song and each time made Simon Cowell convulse in pain. So in short, Dolly Parton jumped the shark last night and went from country music icon to loony, cat loving church lady.

One must admit that the best part of the night was when, at the close of the song, she pointed at the judges and screamed, "Hallelujah Simon!" and chatted with Ryan Seacrest about how she has Jesus and he has Simon. It was the most bizarre and painful thing to watch Seacrest be gracious yet see his face contorted into a fake smile masking sympathy. Thank god for Simon though; his face masked nothing but contempt for Dolly who had just alienated huge swaths of his TV audience with a crappy Christian-based song that had no mainstream commercial appeal or financial upside. It was American Idol after all.

It's over, Sweet Jeezus it's finally over

After one of the most boring, bizarre and saccharine American Idols' ever, it all came down to a sweet kid from Arizona who could really sing and emote. I got nothing bad to say about Jordin Sparks; she was about the most genuine thing on television. With that said, we're taking bets on how fast public scrutiny and deviant music industry opportunists can soil her. I got $20 on four months, six days.

And speaking of soil, that's practically what I did to myself when they let the pansexual punchline known as Sanjaya and his talentless Idol brethren back on stage to backup the now equally creepy Smokey Robinson; who is obviously partaking in the same Ponce De Leon punch that Little Richard has with his morning screwdriver.

All in all there were no surprises, just a lot of phoned-in performances (minus Green Day's) and inappropriate hyperbolic references obviously written by some junior college creative writing class. It was all pretty much a blur considering that the Cerebral Itch staff turned it into a drinking game slamming a shot every time a Ford motor product graced the screen. We were shit-faced by 8:45.

So adieu American Idol, we'll count the days till next year's shark jumper as well as a fatter Randy, an even less-coherent Paula and a richer Simon. Face it kids, life now works that way.

This video makes a gay pride parade look straight

Thought we would throw up a musical chestnut in preparation for the American Idol Finale; "throw up" being the operative term here.

Chihuahua Week continues: Paula Abdul breaks beak while tiptoeing over Tulip

We're puzzled by the fact that a once-accomplished choreographer from the 90's can trip the light fantastic with an animated cat, but to her detriment cannot avoid a seven pound chihuahua named Tulip.

Paula Abdul, paragon of lucidity and taste, apparently busted her nose over the weekend while trying to avoid stepping on her dog. Sure, we could see this happening to Liza Minneli but Paula? Although all reports do indicate that when she did go down, she didn't spill a drop of her drink.

Here's a look back at her more coordinated days:

Saltine Cracker and American Cheese get voted off of American Idol

Last night, the American Idol voting public finally pulled their head out and got down to business, fired two bullets and hit the right targets. First was Phil Stacey or better known as "American Cheese" who was told, "Thanks for the service to your country, now get the f*ck off the stage". The crew here had a particularly hard time with Cheeseball Stacey. That hairless cat took himself way too seriously and he sucked the cool right out of being bald. Dark circles under your eyes and having an abnormally small cranium do not make for a winning combination. One ill-fitting baseball cap and you'd swear he was finishing up a round of chemo. Oh yeah, the other loser was the guy that could easily disappear into the crowd at a boy-band convention and never be found.

We look forward to their newfound obscurity.

Our long national nightmare is over

Well, finally something good happened this week. I'll just leave it at that.

"Legs" Scarnato shown the door on American Idol

Well, another snoozer hit the airwaves last night in the form of the most worthless American Idol yet. Case in point: when the entertainment zenith of the show turns out to be a little sweet African girl showing her sketch of Simon Cowell with man-boobs, you've got problems.
And speaking of problems: Haley Scarnato. I believe that previous sentence is enough.
In short, everybody sucked...again. The producers tried to jack viewership by going after the Telemundo set with J-Lo doing a number from her new Spanglish album. She looked hot, but pissed that she had to be associated with this train-wreck. And the hermaphrodite made it through yet again. Why do I waste my time?

Somebody got kicked off American Idol and it wasn't the hermaphrodite

Okay, let's make this quick: the big-boned boring rocker chick got the boot. Haley Scarnato holds on by stealing a page from Antonella Barba's Handbook for Whores, showing off her fine Wessonality legs. Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, Sanjaya sails through yet again. The Josh Groban of jazz standards, Michael Buble stepped in for an "ailing" Tony Bennet; which translates into Tony had a brief moment of lucidity and realized what his people signed him up for and came down with the "flu" resulting in respectable crooner Harry Connick Jr. telling panicked Idol producers to "go f*ck themselves - my career ain't in the shitter" when asked to fill in. Buble was reportedly found in a hotel lounge off of LaBrea. In a futile effort to sober him up, he simultaneously received an ice-tub plunge and a coffee colonic then was quickly shoved on stage.

There, I just saved you some space on your Tivo.

Tancredo pulls head out long enough to remove hat and throw it into '08 presidential ring

Throwing his hat in the ring today for the GOP presidential nomination was Representative Tom Tancredo (R-Colorado). Just to clarify, this action by Congressman Tancredo is the political equivalent of those best of the worst American Idol tryouts that end with tone-deaf ugly people leaving some nondescript Marriot in either tears or profanity. That's pretty much going to be this jackass in about six months.

Tancredo is best known for his ignorance and intolerance surrounding the immigration issue. That's about all this walking hate-stick has; that and less than a million dollars to try to pull his fantasy off. Here's a list of his best of, enjoy:

• Honorary Chairman of Americans Have Had Enough! a South Carolina pissy isolationist hate-club
• Called Miami a "Third World country" in a speech at Michigan State University
• Proposed bombing Mecca to send a message to the terrorists (then vehemently denied it and got caught lying on CNN - brilliant)

Oh yeah, and Tommy Thompson, former Wisconsin governor and Secretary of Health and Human Services under President Bush also declared his candidacy. Damn it, I just blew milk through my nose again.

Bye Sligh, don't cry...aw hell, I got nothin'

Well, the "husky" kid took it on the chin the other night. Chris Sligh, the Jack Osbourne (circa 2001) look-alike went down like so many of his full-figured brethren...hard.

Who cares really? This year's crop of screechers is piss-poor on a good night. And if the singing isn't bad enough for you they've got a stylist who I really think is a down-on-his-luck color blind straight guy suffering from glaucoma going gay for pay. Because if he really is gay and claiming to be a stylist, he's going to get his gay membership revoked. Then again, whoever they are, they have crap to work with; I swear to God some of that stuff the women wear is from TJ Maxx and Phil Stacey is a prime example that you can't prune a dead tree.

But back to Sligh; Aw forget it, I just do these American Idol posts for the web hits. He sucked, went to Bob Jones University and is now boarding the train back to Obscurity, USA. Oh, and if you think I'm going to end this entry without mentioning Sanjaya, you're wrong. Although, enough has already been said about him and I'm saving it up for when they bring him out in full glorious drag, because that's really the last card the little weasel can play after the 12-year-old girl's slumber party prank hairdo from this week.

Doomsday Math

When a man can piss on the Constitution for over six years and still be able to boogie in the same 24-hour period that a young hermaphrodite reminds us all that inbred cultural illiterates shape pop culture is when you've got solid confirmation that you can max out all the credit cards; because it's all going to be over pretty soon now anyway.

The Sanjaya Phenomenon uncovered

Through diligent reporting on the part of our own Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad staff, we have uncovered the machinations behind the astounding staying-power of talentless Sanjaya Malakar, the Y-chromosome challenged American Idol contestant who survived yet another night of eliminations.

Based on close to six pages of documentation and a few well placed phone calls to relatives across town, it appears that approximately 300 call centers in Bangalore, India have been utilized in a surgical effort to inundate American Idol with votes for, euphemistically referred to in a confidential memo as their "homeboy", Sanjaya. The most notable call centers allegedly involved in this scandal are those that have existing contracts with Ford Motors/Mercury Vehicles, Gateway Computers and Cricket Wireless. A call center employee who would only allow us to refer to him as "Ted" explained how an entire call center could be utilized for such a nefarious purpose. "Nobody buys that crap so we don't get any calls. We got some of the best Sudoku players in India because people are just sitting around." The young Indian gentleman continued to elaborate. "Sure a couple of fat old Americans will give us a call on how put the seat back in their new Mercury town car or how to turn on their $300 junky computer, but other than that it's pretty quiet." "Ted" said that the entire staff of his call center jumped at the chance to start dialing for Sanjaya.

A spokesperson for Fremantle Media, producers of American Idol declined to comment, but Fox issued a statement this morning stating that they are looking into the situation but currently have all their resources focused on allegations surrounding the Jeff Foxworthy show Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader? that the show has been plundered by a ring of genius midgets disguised as 10-year old children.

Representatives for Malakar have also declined to comment but expressed to the media that this is a very stressful time for Sanjaya and he needs to focus at the task at hand; which apparently is the utter destruction of whatever credibility American Idol has left. Despite this scandal, Sanjaya's popularity has skyrocketed among his strongest fan base: developmentally disabled little girls who sob uncontrollably.

THIS, is American Idol!

Alright, let's be honest here. When trying to maintain a blog of mediocre relevance, one is hard-pressed to avoid any reference to the festering retarded cultural pox known as American Idol.

In short, the whole shiteous production finally jumped, flipped and pirouetted over the shark this season due to the fact that the band of hermaphrodites also known as the "men" contestants can't crap out a K-Tel worthy note and the itty-bitty-titty scandal of Antonella Barba is more aesthetically pleasing than the women who are shall we say, fugly. It's also cruelly ironic that in a year where past participants are scooping up industry accolades, the fresh crop should be scooping up cigarette butts at a bus station before heading home.

Wrap-up: The above cheeseball got the boot last night. Brandon Rogers, former background singer and genetic proof that Isaac from the Love Boat and Tootie from the Facts of Life humped. Rogers forgot his words Tuesday and every time the camera was on him, he did that double-handed pistol finger/wink thing. I wanted to hit him with cold rebar.

And if the war, weather and G. Walker Bush don't scare the bejeezus out of you and make you think the end in nigh. Allow me to confirm it for you:

Patently wrong on so many levels; I am going to go weep now.