Perhaps this young man/woman has a point

Who knew Cojo was able to have a child, much less one with such passion for the things that matter in this world.

How I spent my time at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards with Veejay in tow

So apparently $3000 cash (twenties and fives) and a Ziploc quart bag of seriously dank Maui Chronic stuffed in an green Adidas duffle bag deposited in an east facing trash bin outside the Riviera Hotel parking structure (as instructed) will get you two all access passes to the MTV Video Music Awards - Veejay and I were in.

One may ask why we went to this kind of trouble to get into last night's televised mind screw of America's 15-25 year olds. Well, our old friend Britney Spears was opening the show and that little witch owes us quite a bit of money for breaking the terms of her contract when she was the Cerebral Itch spokesperson (click here for the background story).

Veejay and I flew into Las Vegas yesterday morning armed with subpoenas and a six-pack of whoop-ass for anyone who stood in our way in getting to Ms. Spears. I had misgivings about bringing Veejay considering the pooch-screw he wrought in New York at the Live Earth concert when he literally threw himself on, not at, but on Cameron Diaz. My rationale for this trip was Veejay had never been to Vegas so there was a little altruism, but mostly it was because he would make good bouncer-bait if shit went south.

Our plan was to soak up all the glamour and schwag at the pre-show party, grab a seat in the backstage lounge and spring like the panthers that we are on Britney as soon as she finished her opening number. Well, best laid plans. No sooner did we arrive at the Palms that Veejay spotted 50 Cent and his crew playing craps in the high roller lounge. Veejay, always the cool customer in the face of manufactured fame, fancies himself a bit of a hip-hop aficionado and proceeded to rush 50 Cent and his boys. Arms swaying side to side grabbing his nuts trying to look urban, intermittently throwing gang signs that made him look like he had the palsy. I swear to god, it sounded like a sound effects recording session for a John Woo movie when 50 Cent's chums simultaneously drew and cocked their glocks all aiming for Veejay's forehead. Rushing in to avert the bloodshed, 50 Cent notices my platinum Cerebral Itch lapel pin. Much to my surprise, 50 Cent is a huge Cerebral Itch fan - loves our cards and reads the blog. He couldn't get over the fact that it was really Veejay who stormed him and was somewhat flattered. He asked if we would do his Christmas cards to which I agreed, clearing up the brouhaha. We politely excused ourselves (I made Veejay kiss his ring and apologize) and made our way upstairs to the Playboy Club to take the edge off before we executed our mission.

Kid Rock and Tommy Lee were already going at it in the lounge area which made it easy for me to spot Kanye West hanging back with the ladies. My other purpose on this trip was to see Kanye and personally deliver our new Dick Cheney/DNR shirt. The man beamed, hugged me and proceeded to introduce us to his harem all while offering us lukewarm overpriced alcohol served off of Playboy bunny asses. Kanye knew why we were really there and gave me his support, "that bitch needs to be put down - if that was a black girl doing all that shit there'd be jail time." To which I thought bringing up mother-of-the-year Whitney Houston wasn't such a good idea.

We finally made it to the theater, where we settled in with our free Boost mobile phones, spa certificates and watched the show start. We soon stood up amazed at what we were watching. It looked like a talent show at a Rotary Club in bumf*ck Alabama where the big number was some guy's daughter doing a Britney Spears impersonation, except we were looking at Britney Spears doing the shittiest impersonation EVER of Britney Spears?! The best part was looking around at the faces of other people backstage. There was head shaking, laughing and even crying. Christina Aguilera was punching her fist in the air hissing "I win, I win!". I looked at Veejay and posed the question "can I really serve her with $15 million dollar lawsuit considering she's fat, devoid of talent and just hit rock bottom on international television?" No sooner did I finish my sentence then Veejay grabbed the subpoena, jumped into a passing crowd which turned out to be Britney leaving the stage and jammed it in her cleavage like a freakin' Jedi Knight. He coolly looked her in the eye and said "courtesy of your former employer". After that was tackled, pummeled and zip-tied. As he was being dragged away to I still don't know where, he flashed me a bloody smile and winked knowing he had done good.

Veejay is my new best friend.

Britney Spears Dropped as Cerebral Itch spokesperson

SAN DIEGO, May 2, 2007 As a result of flagrant noncompliance to the terms of her contact with Cerebral Itch, pop-princess and mother-of-the-year Britney Spears will no longer serve as spokesperson for Cerebral Itch, Inc. and related properties.

It appears that the final straw for Cerebral Itch was last night's surprise performance at the San Diego House of Blues nightclub. Ms. Spears performed wearing a wig of long brown hair. A move that was in direct violation of the terms in her contract that required her to remain shorn and display the well-known Cerebral Itch icon: the cross bandages. Cerebral Itch president and co-founder, Paul Chamberlain stated "To say that we didn't anticipate erratic behavior by Ms. Spears would be an understatement of cosmic proportions, but to cover up our icon with a wig and wear panties in public on the same night was just too much; we needed to get the lawyers involved."

Spears spokesperson, Gina Orr denies that Spears did this intentionally and hopes that this can be resolved quickly and amicably. But sources close to Spears claim that she never really got the humor and complexity of the Cerebral Itch brand and was only doing it in hopes the brand association would resurrect her "cool factor". "The cards confused her and made her head hurt" said a close Spears associate who declined to be identified. Another source claims that while in San Diego, Spears was in negotiations with Freedom Grill, a San Diego-based manufacturer of gas barbeque grills that can be mounted to the trailer hitch of any vehicle.

Cerebral Itch Oscar Party Wrap-Up

In the shadow of the Governor's Ball, The Vanity Fair party and the Elton John AIDS bash; Cerebral Itch threw a little fête to rival them all. From poolside of the swanky West Hollywood Chamberlain Hotel, Cerebral Itch laid out the red carpet to welcome some of Hollywood's brightest luminaries and celebrate achievement in film and smoke being anally administered.

Being that it was our first year, certain efforts had to be made to get the big stars to drop by and create sufficient momentum. Apparently all it took was one well-laid rumor that Jesus Christ was in fact going to be at our party and Jennifer Hudson came running. She left soon after she realized that her personal lord and savior was not present. But it was enough to start the limo line. Al Gore stole the show when he, Tipper and their "Posse Verde" stepped out of their hybrid stretch limo holding his Oscar aloft shouting "Does that dumbshit-in-chief have one of these? I think not!"

Scandal also greases the wheels of buzz and that was supplied nicely when Kirsten Dunst was denied entry for being...Kirsten Dunst. Gwyneth stopped by as well and was summarily asked to leave when it was learned that she was using her fake British accent again. Nicole Kidman was unfortunately frightened away before she even got out of her limo when Britney Spears lunged from the bushes and proceeded to bludgeon the hood of the limo with a stick. Security was dispatched, Ms. Spears was sedated and placed in a van headed back to the Malibu clinic, Promises.

Best Supporting actress nominee, Rinko Kikuchi started the party off right when she showed up with Sisqo of "Thong Song" fame on her arm. Already considerably inebriated, the two proceeded to take the edge off her loss by dance floor dry-humping right next to Best Supporting Actor winner, Alan Arkin who, according to dance floor sources, smiled for the first time that evening at the sordid sight. Sharon Stone served as celebrity cocktail waitress as did retro-Oscar winner Marisa Tomei. Their talents shined as they shucked booze and tried to cut deals for any Lifetime channel movie that might come their way. The Pilobolus dance troupe was retained for the evening to dazzle attendees with more of their shadow puppet mastery. Their presentation was constantly being marred by the heckling and screaming requests of Jack Black and Will Ferrel to "make a shadow pee-pee! make a shadow pee-pee!" very sad.

No Oscar party is complete without a celebrity chef feeding the glamorous masses; Rachel Ray shined as she prepared her most elaborate menu yet: grilled cheese sammies with parsley sprigs accompanied with pasta salad seasoned with Wish-Bone italian dressing.

All in all it was a huge success.

Sa-wing batter, Swing!

I gotta tell you, Andre Agassi looks damn good for 37 years old.

Britney Spears signs on as Cerebral Itch spokesperson

SHERMAN OAKS, February 16, 2007 - Representatives of Britney Spears have confirmed that the perky performer has signed with Cerebral Itch for an undisclosed amount to promote the company's new line of niche greeting cards for "boozing and maternally negligent media-whores". Cerebral Itch president and co-founder, Paul Chamberlain stated that "With Ms. Spears new look we feel that she captures the essence of our new line and will allow us to create more product based on the continual collapse of society; it's a win-win for everyone."

Sources close to Ms. Spears declined to comment on whether or not Ms. Spears will continue to shave her head throughout the period of the contract; but did release a statement confirming that "Britney loves her new look and Cerebral Itch. We believe this partnership will flourish even more once we sober her up and explain most of the cards to her."

(we're joking people - this is satire - you didn't really think we were serious did you?)