Our long national nightmare is over

Well, finally something good happened this week. I'll just leave it at that.

"Legs" Scarnato shown the door on American Idol

Well, another snoozer hit the airwaves last night in the form of the most worthless American Idol yet. Case in point: when the entertainment zenith of the show turns out to be a little sweet African girl showing her sketch of Simon Cowell with man-boobs, you've got problems.
And speaking of problems: Haley Scarnato. I believe that previous sentence is enough.
In short, everybody sucked...again. The producers tried to jack viewership by going after the Telemundo set with J-Lo doing a number from her new Spanglish album. She looked hot, but pissed that she had to be associated with this train-wreck. And the hermaphrodite made it through yet again. Why do I waste my time?

Somebody got kicked off American Idol and it wasn't the hermaphrodite

Okay, let's make this quick: the big-boned boring rocker chick got the boot. Haley Scarnato holds on by stealing a page from Antonella Barba's Handbook for Whores, showing off her fine Wessonality legs. Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, Sanjaya sails through yet again. The Josh Groban of jazz standards, Michael Buble stepped in for an "ailing" Tony Bennet; which translates into Tony had a brief moment of lucidity and realized what his people signed him up for and came down with the "flu" resulting in respectable crooner Harry Connick Jr. telling panicked Idol producers to "go f*ck themselves - my career ain't in the shitter" when asked to fill in. Buble was reportedly found in a hotel lounge off of LaBrea. In a futile effort to sober him up, he simultaneously received an ice-tub plunge and a coffee colonic then was quickly shoved on stage.

There, I just saved you some space on your Tivo.

Doomsday Math

When a man can piss on the Constitution for over six years and still be able to boogie in the same 24-hour period that a young hermaphrodite reminds us all that inbred cultural illiterates shape pop culture is when you've got solid confirmation that you can max out all the credit cards; because it's all going to be over pretty soon now anyway.

The Sanjaya Phenomenon uncovered

Through diligent reporting on the part of our own Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad staff, we have uncovered the machinations behind the astounding staying-power of talentless Sanjaya Malakar, the Y-chromosome challenged American Idol contestant who survived yet another night of eliminations.

Based on close to six pages of documentation and a few well placed phone calls to relatives across town, it appears that approximately 300 call centers in Bangalore, India have been utilized in a surgical effort to inundate American Idol with votes for, euphemistically referred to in a confidential memo as their "homeboy", Sanjaya. The most notable call centers allegedly involved in this scandal are those that have existing contracts with Ford Motors/Mercury Vehicles, Gateway Computers and Cricket Wireless. A call center employee who would only allow us to refer to him as "Ted" explained how an entire call center could be utilized for such a nefarious purpose. "Nobody buys that crap so we don't get any calls. We got some of the best Sudoku players in India because people are just sitting around." The young Indian gentleman continued to elaborate. "Sure a couple of fat old Americans will give us a call on how put the seat back in their new Mercury town car or how to turn on their $300 junky computer, but other than that it's pretty quiet." "Ted" said that the entire staff of his call center jumped at the chance to start dialing for Sanjaya.

A spokesperson for Fremantle Media, producers of American Idol declined to comment, but Fox issued a statement this morning stating that they are looking into the situation but currently have all their resources focused on allegations surrounding the Jeff Foxworthy show Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader? that the show has been plundered by a ring of genius midgets disguised as 10-year old children.

Representatives for Malakar have also declined to comment but expressed to the media that this is a very stressful time for Sanjaya and he needs to focus at the task at hand; which apparently is the utter destruction of whatever credibility American Idol has left. Despite this scandal, Sanjaya's popularity has skyrocketed among his strongest fan base: developmentally disabled little girls who sob uncontrollably.