I call bullsh*t!

There's nothing meaner than a beat-up and bloodied rain-soaked animal backed into a corner; and that visual lends itself nicely to the right-wing apparatuses currently attempting to lay siege to Al Gore's recent accomplishments.

On Sunday evening, the film An Inconvenient Truth won two Oscars. Fine. Ben Affleck won an Oscar too so that kind of tells you the weight those things carry these days. But the real issue is the fact that Monday morning an organization calling itself The Tennessee Center for Policy Research, an "independent, nonprofit and nonpartisan research organization", issued a press release about Al Gore's "extravagant energy use". Truth is, this group is the farthest thing from all the things that it claims to be. If you haven't already had the pleasure of unmasking these petty schmucks yourself, allow me:

• They're not "nonpartisan"; they have links on their site to some of the most right-wing organizations on K street. The American Enterprise Institute is one of them
• Before the release of their "findings", The Tennessee Center for Policy Research was practically non-existent according to their web footprint as proven by Alexa
• The media bottom-feeders that picked up on this story immediately were Fox News and The Drudge Report - both fine purveyors of objectivity and well-vetted information
  
• Gore's energy use, when conventional, is offset by the purchase of carbon offsets and switching to green energy sources to compensate for the family’s conventional carbon footprint
• Keith Olberman does a nice job in summarizing all of this. Regardless of what you think of his leanings, watch the clip. You'll see some actual journalism

I feel for the right-wing lemmings. I too lie awake at night fearing that Al Gore may ride into the White House on an insidious platform of clean energy, responsibility to future generations and global cooperation. Mommy...hold me.

Morons.

On Notice

These people annoy us (Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX) and Left Behind series "authors" Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins)

Cerebral Itch Oscar Party Wrap-Up

In the shadow of the Governor's Ball, The Vanity Fair party and the Elton John AIDS bash; Cerebral Itch threw a little fête to rival them all. From poolside of the swanky West Hollywood Chamberlain Hotel, Cerebral Itch laid out the red carpet to welcome some of Hollywood's brightest luminaries and celebrate achievement in film and smoke being anally administered.

Being that it was our first year, certain efforts had to be made to get the big stars to drop by and create sufficient momentum. Apparently all it took was one well-laid rumor that Jesus Christ was in fact going to be at our party and Jennifer Hudson came running. She left soon after she realized that her personal lord and savior was not present. But it was enough to start the limo line. Al Gore stole the show when he, Tipper and their "Posse Verde" stepped out of their hybrid stretch limo holding his Oscar aloft shouting "Does that dumbshit-in-chief have one of these? I think not!"

Scandal also greases the wheels of buzz and that was supplied nicely when Kirsten Dunst was denied entry for being...Kirsten Dunst. Gwyneth stopped by as well and was summarily asked to leave when it was learned that she was using her fake British accent again. Nicole Kidman was unfortunately frightened away before she even got out of her limo when Britney Spears lunged from the bushes and proceeded to bludgeon the hood of the limo with a stick. Security was dispatched, Ms. Spears was sedated and placed in a van headed back to the Malibu clinic, Promises.

Best Supporting actress nominee, Rinko Kikuchi started the party off right when she showed up with Sisqo of "Thong Song" fame on her arm. Already considerably inebriated, the two proceeded to take the edge off her loss by dance floor dry-humping right next to Best Supporting Actor winner, Alan Arkin who, according to dance floor sources, smiled for the first time that evening at the sordid sight. Sharon Stone served as celebrity cocktail waitress as did retro-Oscar winner Marisa Tomei. Their talents shined as they shucked booze and tried to cut deals for any Lifetime channel movie that might come their way. The Pilobolus dance troupe was retained for the evening to dazzle attendees with more of their shadow puppet mastery. Their presentation was constantly being marred by the heckling and screaming requests of Jack Black and Will Ferrel to "make a shadow pee-pee! make a shadow pee-pee!" very sad.

No Oscar party is complete without a celebrity chef feeding the glamorous masses; Rachel Ray shined as she prepared her most elaborate menu yet: grilled cheese sammies with parsley sprigs accompanied with pasta salad seasoned with Wish-Bone italian dressing.

All in all it was a huge success.

And the cards go to...

B.J. of Boston, MA kicked all your butts. He wins six Cerebral Itch greeting cards and a $15 giftcard to either Starbucks or iTunes.
Surprise! We decided to have a new category for the worst poll submitted. That honor goes to Josh of Orlando, FL. For having the worst score overall; he wins a DVD copy of Basic Instinct 2 - The worst movie of the year.

Thanks to everyone who played along - stay tuned, we're doing another poll next month. Topic TBD

Oscar Luminaries - take 1!

Orson Welles - The man responsible for one of the greatest motion pictures ever made Citizen Kane - drunk off his ass during the filming of an old Paul Masson wine commercial in the 70's.
Simply, Genius.

Your Cerebral Itch Blog Family

While on a Skype call with the Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad editorial crew in Mumbai this morning, Sandeep (lower right) asked me a question that struck a chord in me. He asked, "Fine Mr. Itch Sir, I would like to know who the people are that we write such humorous musings for." To which I replied, "Shut up and get back to work."

I must admit that as the day wore on I still couldn't get Sandeep's question out of my head. It reminded me that most of you know nothing of our writing team. Leave it to that little scamp Sandeep to bring this glaring omission to the fore. He's probably the best writer we have. That kid tells this joke about a cross-dresser, ping-pong balls and a rabbi that honest to god slays me everytime he tells it; it's what pretty much got him the job. "Big Pete" is his cousin and the resident flaming queen. I think you can see from the picture that he's a rather natty dresser and a power bottom ironically enough. He's the only one in his hovel that gets his bespoke suits flown in from London monthly. He's got to have a sugar daddy because I sure as hell don't pay him enough for that nonsense. He's our eyes and ears on the celebrity front. He knows what going on with Paris and Britney better than their gynos; you'd think he lived in the Village or L.A. with his frighteningly encyclopedic knowledge of all things fabulous. I guess he drives the other kids batshit in the office by constantly playing Christina Aguilera dance remixes too loud.

Now Veejay, he's the whip-cracker, I guess his mum is a Brit and his dad's a local thus the sallow complexion and bad teeth. He makes sure the writers produce on time and prodigiously. They all hate his guts; I love it, takes the heat off me. During a moment of levity on a conference call last month, he proclaimed out of nowhere, that he's still a virgin and saving himself for marriage. To which "Big Pete" cut the tension with the retort "Bitch please, you changing your name to 'Captain Obvious’ too?". Rounding out the group is Komala. She's a sweetie and a hell of a proofreader. She speaks better English than all of you reading this. She's a graduate of UCLA and former actress in both Hollywood and Bollywood. I guess she was a kid extra in Gandhi and that gave her the acting bug. It seems Richard Attenborough pulled her out of a crowd scene and took a liking to her. Next thing she knew, she's in L.A. auditioning for and getting parts playing Mexican girls. It was a blow-up with Jerry Bruckheimer on the set of Armageddon that sent her packing back to India. Rumor has it, that's how Liv Tyler got her role.

So there you have it. The Cerebral Itch Blog Squad as I like to call them. Send a holla to the kids if you have the chance. They'll appreciate it a lot since I tell them "No one reads your stuff, I just claim you as my children for tax purposes."

Sa-wing batter, Swing!

I gotta tell you, Andre Agassi looks damn good for 37 years old.

The 2007 Cerebral Itch - Academy AwardsOscar Poll

Time’s running short to enter the Cerebral Itch Academy Awards Oscar Poll; name more winners than anyone else and you can win either a $15 Starbucks or iTunes gift card. Like we expect you to have seen any of the movies; that’s why we want you to enter. We’d love to give this prize to someone who had no friggin’ idea who the hell these people are and what the hell the movies are about. Just pick winners without doing any of the hard work: roughly the same principal that applies to the brain trusts who win lotteries.

Tip: don’t pick the movies you like, you’ll always be disappointed. I’m still pissed when Chariots of Fire took best picture over Raiders of the Lost Ark in 1981. Only BUSH v. GORE was a bigger miscarriage of justice.

I'm torn on this one

There are some universal laws like force equals mass times acceleration, ranch dressing is indicative of a lesser caste and clowns are downright creepy. Apparently someone in Columbia agreed on the last point. Two clowns of the Circo del Sol de Cali were gunned down in front of their Bogata audience last Monday night by some wingnut with guns a'blazin' who had a Costco-sized mad-on for the big shoes and whiteface crowd. Tragedy, I know. But here's where I'm torn: They're clowns! I cannot read this story without simultaneously being racked with guilt and cupping my mouth to hide the giggles. You read this headline and tell me you don't snort just a little: Gunman kills 2 clowns in Colombian circus. Yeah, not so easy to stay straight-faced is it? I am now reaching out to you, my loyal readers. You tell me where you stand on this case of Bozo-cide. Leave your comments as to where this hits you on the "so tragic it's funny" scale. In the meantime, I'll be passing out copies of the Bogata story to any clowns I see on the street.

On Notice

These people annoy us (Ty Pennington and his crew of weepy exploitive corporate shills and Gayle King - Oprah's best friend and crumb catcher)

Hey Hallmark!Don't stop believing you can sell this crap

I'm spending today kicking myself in the ass. It appears that the killer-app of all card ideas; greeting cards that address some of the most soul-shattering shit that could happen to a person is being launched by the undisputed master of original prose and cutting edge design: Hallmark Cards. Yes, the Hallmark Journeys line is now in stores and we’re all the better for it.
Who of us hasn’t been plagued by the inability to find that perfect card to thank a hospice worker or organ donor's family? Or for that matter, have a few cards on deck for the countless times you need to reach out to someone dealing with infertility, a miscarriage or post-partum depression (I'm not making this up, wait till you see the topic list). Well, that think-tank of a company in Kansas City, MO has taken the worry away from us. I assume the target market for these homogenized pastel ice scrapers are mouth breathers who think they’re being sensitive by sending a $2.49 card they picked up at Wal-Mart.

Let’s get something straight. If you know someone suffering from the following:

• Cancer diagnosis, treatment, hair loss, recovery anniversary
• Loss of young life
• Infertility, miscarriage, post-partum depression
• Waiting for test results
• Caring for an aging parent
• Thanking a hospice worker or organ donor's family
• Addiction recovery
• Eating disorders and diet support
• Depression
• Job loss
• Coming out
  

You handwrite them a personal note or get them drunk with your arm around them. You don’t send a goddamn Hallmark card.

"A very polished performer"

Yesterday, Mitt Romney was on ThisWeek with George Stephanopoulos and let me tell you, this guy is slicker than goose shit sliding down a tin horn. He's handsome, devout, married to a beautiful wife who has given him five strapping sons and he's had both a very lucrative private career and successful public career. He looks like he was plucked from central casting for a movie about the President. Except this movie is about the perfect president who at night slips away to the confines of a secret lab where his face plate is popped open and his circuitry and programming are modified.

One of my first choices for "fantasy dinner guest"; George Will, coolly dismissed Romney as a "very polished performer"; high praise indeed. In 2006 Romney got all his ducks in a row to run for president. He changed his views on abortion (then: pro-choice/now: pro-life), signed on for a life-long membership in the NRA and shuffled away from his earlier support of gay rights distancing him from any position that could offend the conservative base. It was recently reported in the Miami Herald that he was heckled at a campaign appearance by a man who accused him of being a "pretender" and "not knowing the Lord". Romney responded "One of the great things about this land is that we have people of different faiths and different religions, but we need to have a person of faith lead the country.'' The audience gave him a standing ovation. Case in point: the content of his answers to divisive questions are frighteningly calculated for a specific audience. One of the more revealing portions of his interview with George Stephanopoulos concerned gays in the military:

Stephanopoulos: That current policy [Don't Ask, Don't Tell] labels homosexuality as a defect. Is that what you believe?

Mitt Romney: You know, I'm not going to suggest that I'm in any way a psychologist. That's a decision a psychologist would have to tell you and I'm not going to weigh in on that.

Granted, this is not an election issue, but it speaks volumes about a man running for president in the 21st century. The fact that he will not "weigh in" by declaring the Department of Defense's definition of homosexuality as medieval is repugnant and that you need a "psychologist" to make a determination on gayness is ludicrous as well. Take a look at the interview or better yet, read the transcript. It's an illuminating look at a candidate who appears to be changing tack to catch the hot air of far right social conservatives.

Oh yeah, and now McCain wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Are the Republicans so hell bent on giving it away to the Democrats in '08 that Giuliani the only choice for centrists, much less secular libertarians? Okay, now back to the comedy.

Happy DingHai people...I think

Happy New Year or DingHai to the rest of the world who does not worship Dick Clark. According to the Chinese calendar, this is set to be a good year; sort of. If you're going to be born this year, you're aces. If you're just hanging around and have been for the past few years, you're screwed. "Expect epidemics, disasters and violence in much of the world." is how most of the guys who are into this stuff feel about the Year of the Pig. Shocking, because everything has been going swimmingly so far.

On Notice

These people annoy us - especially the asshat on the left - (Tony Snow & Cojo)

Britney Spears signs on as Cerebral Itch spokesperson

SHERMAN OAKS, February 16, 2007 - Representatives of Britney Spears have confirmed that the perky performer has signed with Cerebral Itch for an undisclosed amount to promote the company's new line of niche greeting cards for "boozing and maternally negligent media-whores". Cerebral Itch president and co-founder, Paul Chamberlain stated that "With Ms. Spears new look we feel that she captures the essence of our new line and will allow us to create more product based on the continual collapse of society; it's a win-win for everyone."

Sources close to Ms. Spears declined to comment on whether or not Ms. Spears will continue to shave her head throughout the period of the contract; but did release a statement confirming that "Britney loves her new look and Cerebral Itch. We believe this partnership will flourish even more once we sober her up and explain most of the cards to her."

(we're joking people - this is satire - you didn't really think we were serious did you?)