Cerebral Itch SUPERBOWL XLII Recap Part I: And a vengeful god heard my prayers...

They call them the Seven Deadly Sins for a reason: Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Pride and Envy are all destructive characteristics of the human condition that purportedly will eat your soul. Well, I'll take my chances and sign up for envy. Last night, with the culmination of the longest final second in NFL history, God finally got the memo and ended Tom Brady's ridiculously obscene streak of good fortune.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and say that you cannot be the most successful quarterback in NFL history, nor am I going to say you can't be rakishly good looking and richer than Croesus. I'm also going on record saying one can't date beautiful young starlets, impregnate them, leave them and immediately start banging the arguably hottest model to date. What I am saying is that one guy cannot do and be all of those things!

So when Eli and his boys ended Tom's lucky streak and snatched the last perfect thing Brady thought he was entitled to, I wept. I wept big freaking envy-free schadenfreude-laced sparkly tears that there is a god and he heard my prayers.

Cerebral Itch SUPERBOWL XLII Recap Part II: The Commercials

$2.7 million got you 30 seconds last night during SuperBowl LXII - some used it for good and some used it for plain un-creative oh so retarded evil commercials. Case in point, Sales Genie. Who once again thought it necessary to soil my television with their not only moronic advertising, but apparently this year they thought of being racially offensive as well. Let's see, using cartoon pandas with thick Asian accents owning a bamboo furniture store - not since Ping and Pong of the old Brady Kids cartoon have pandas been used so brazenly to stereotype - observe:



Not to be outdone on the stereotype front, Taco Bell decided mariachis with smarmy grins and mock seductive latin charm could get more people in their well lit polystyrene shitholes to destroy their digestive tracts. - observar:



Okay, now that we've discussed the worst, a quick rundown of the top Five SuperBowl XLII commercials as voted by the staff of Cerebral Itch:

1. e*Trade both of them - (finally someone figured out how to make talking babies funny: spit-up and making fun of clowns)
2. Career Builder - (just the right amount of macabre humor mixed with a cute f-you attitude)
3. Glacéau Vitamin Water - (Shaquille O'Neal + jockey silks = comedy)
4. Pepsi - (Funnier when you think of how much money they had to pay Carville to breathe the same air as jackass Dr. Frist)
5. Audi - (Huge points not for originality, but for casting Alex Rocco as the screaming sleeper. Alex Rocco played Moe Greene in the first Godfather movie. If the license plate on the car had said "Khartoum" we would've rated it number one - look it up)

Honorable mention: Bridgestone tires - Why they didn't mow down Richard Simmons I'll never know - it would've been number one if they had)

The War on Leftist Depraved Shadow Puppetry continues...

Quick! Who won the SuperBowl this year?! Yeah, that's what I thought. Quick! Who freakin' nailed it at half-time with a righteous piece of entertainment that set the house on fire and almost made all of us forget past Aerosmith, Britney and Josh Groban Gong Show-worthy performances? You know it: Prince.

So why am I bringing up a fact that is now over a month old? Well it seems that a disturbingly large number of mothers and fathers in the hinterland saw something dirty in Prince's guitar solo behind a rain-soaked sheet. So dirty in fact, that they're lodging complaints with the FCC. I can understand they're sadness and ire. One, it was Prince performing, so naturally it's going to be free from any sexual overtones or innuendo. Two, Prince broke new ground that night by being the first man ever to connect the dots between the apparent phallic symbolism of a guitar and where it resides on one's body while being played. And lastly, why can't CBS just stick to showing wholesome entertainment consisting of large men crippling each other in gladitorial splendor and programming that brings us all together like family-favorites, CSI(s) and Two and a Half Men with that precocious Christian scamp, Charlie Sheen?

The complaints of this concerned citizenry contain eloquence and a call to arms we should all heed:

(FCC) Complaint Summary:
II was obscene to show Prince, A HOMOSEXUAL person through a sheet. as to show his siluelte while his guitar showed a very phalic symbol coming from his below his midriff section, I am very offended and I would preffer not to have showed it to my 4 children who love football. One of them has hoped to be a quarterback and now he will turn out gay. I am actually considering to check him for HIV.' Thanks CBS for turning my son GAY.

and this fiery polemic:

During Prince's rendition of Purple Rain…there seemed to be a shadow puppet of his (penis), The sheet that was the backdrop seemed to be (stained?) with something (semen?) My children were watching and now I have to explain to them what a wet spot is on a c*m covered sheet
Thanks CBS.

Join these people in their rage, stand behind them in support of saving their children; but just don't call them during Are you smarter than a 5th grader?.