Man, can Rudy polish a turd or what?

I have seen some spin in my life but this borders on the satirical. Hell, scratch that, this commercial is pure satire. The man's an idiot.

Rudy Giuliani: betcha by Super Tuesday he's got plugs and pec implants

We say, "what good are blogs if you can't spread unsubstantiated rumors and perpetuate heresay?"; but the political editorial staff here at Cerebral Itch really believe they're on to something: Rudy's had work done while in Florida!

Yesterday morning, Former New York mayor and philanderer, Rudy Giuliani appeared on This Week with George Stephanopoulos trying desperately to dispel the informed consensus that his campaign is in the crapper and that Super Duper Tuesday is going to be a super duper nail in his super duper coffin. But all while doing that, we were all drawn to the fact that Rudy's eyes looked a little too radiant. Fact: you do not get up on a Sunday morning for an 8am east coast remote live feed and have flawless eyes; especially when you're 63, a weathered political hack and cancer survivor. So we're on record saying Rudy's had an eye lift. I suppose kudos should be given to the fact that he didn't use Burt Reynolds doctor.

Marriage of Convenience

Pat Robertson claims his endorsement of Mayor Rudy Giuliani is one of faith and fellowship in a man who understands that the greatest threat to America is Islamic Radicalism. Well Pat, we call bullshit on you and your house of televised crazy over there at CBN. With that said, Pat really couldn't admit that the religious right is in a tailspin and instead of being a muscular and retarded gorilla forcing Republican candidates and red state voters into a bent over position, that they are now a stomped-on ant hill of believers who need to bet on the best GOP horse to win so they can limp into an inaugural ball, stop the bleeding and focus on 2012.

Pat is a miserable little cretin who spouts the antithesis of Christianity festooned in the most sinister of amalgam visages: politico-Christianity. In August of 2006, he obviously felt it was prudent to rub out Hugo Chavez. An equally crazy moron who would be rendered impotent if we stopped buying his oil (the Chinese however would buy oil from the Nazis - see Sudan). Might I cite the sixth commandment as laid out in Exodus 20: Thou Shalt Not Kill. Color me confused, but that appears to be somewhat contradictory. Pat spouted that 9-11 was brought on by America's coddling of abortionists and gays. He also said Ariel Sharon's stroke was the result of his relinquishing portions of Gaza. The hits keep on coming from his tiny intolerant brain; all too many to list here for free.

But back to Rudy: Sleep well whore.

If the gods look the other way and he is elected, was selling out the Supreme Court worth the price for Pat's pat? Or perhaps, promising to give the Israelis an inordinate amount of help to further destabilize the region and bring about end times worth having the pre-primary support of this wrinkled turd?

Does anyone really care? We live in a world that is bigger than Rudy and Pat. One where an Islamic nation with nuclear warheads is about to devolve into anarchy, one where a frighteningly significant portion of the American people see water boarding as an acceptable war-time practice, where super models and rappers are structuring contracts so they're no longer paid in American dollars and where more than two remaining presidential candidates do not believe in evolution.

Simply, it's the world that now powers the grave spinning machine for Orwell, Vonnegut, Wells, Jefferson, Eisenhower, Franklin, Paine, de Tocqueville, Lincoln, et al. It's quite sad really - we had a good run in the 20th Century; one would've thought we might have known how to keep that party going.

Republican Debate Wrap-Up

So the cracker band got back together for the CNN Republican Debates last night; here's the 10-second wrap-up:

McCain: Still pushing the fiasco known affectionately as the surge, but actually defibrillated his campaign last night by breaking away from his handlers in one special moment as he passionately defended Hispanic immigrants who contribute both in the private and military sectors. In a few key moments he went back to looking like the bad-ass old silver back gorilla protecting his harem you see in National Geographic documentaries.

Giuliani: Fear-mongering one-trick-pony who kept pushing his tired line of Democrats being on the defensive with terror. Hey weren't you the guy running through the streets of lower Manhattan on the morning of September 11th with your crooked police chief because the command center you demanded be stationed in the World Trade Center was a smoking pile of chalk? Yeah, I thought so. Plus, God took a whack at him with a lightning strike during an abortion question. Nature wins with an impeccable sense of comedic timing.

Romney: Smug, self-righteous, rehearsed and completely unable to be extemporaneous given the opportunity. This guy poops with a consultant. How I wish someone would've asked Mr. "Double [the size of] Guantanamo" about the Hamdan case being thrown out.

Thompson: What the hell is with your hair man?! Fire your stylist and start using real product and not henna and a fish comb to coif that pile of straw.

Tancredo: Bigot, Xenophobe and a little queenie if you ask me. Literally proposed shutting down the borders for an undetermined period of time for a "time-out" on all immigrants legal and illegal. Apparently he didn't finish his proposal concerning using the steel in the Statue of Liberty to build his border fence. His slogan should be "Vote Hate in 08".

Hunter: Likes nukes, hates Iranians, you do the math.

Brownback: Pious, goofy and states that we're the greatest country in the world because we value life. Oh, the reckless genocide and wanton destruction in places like Sweden.

Huckabee: Pious, goofy and states that we're the greatest country in the world because we value life. Oh, the reckless genocide and wanton destruction in places like Sweden. Seriously, not a typo; he and Brownback might as well get a room and make their love for all things 18th century official.

Paul: He described himself as a "Champion of the Constitution" and a lot of people clapped. Once again served as the sensible conservative sage who did not hesitate to call "bullshit" on his colleagues. Likened the Iraq strategy to a disease that was being improperly treated. Nice touch doctor.

Gilmore: The Chris Dodd of the GOP field

Fred Thompson: Boo!

Out of touch old white guys table for 10?...right this way - The Republican Presidential Debate re-cap

While the Democratic Presidential debate last week was mostly a mambo line of milquetoast liberals trying out their talking points while paso doble-ing on eggshells, (with great exception to Mike Gravel and Senator Joe Biden who both wore “pissed-off zany” like a bespoke suit) it addressed the need of listening to the ‘06 electorate and wilding on the functional illiterate currently playing Risk in the West Wing. But all in all, it was relatively harmless.

But last night’s Republican Presidential Debate could be billed as the scariest two-hours in television history since The Day After aired. Chris Matthews should’ve just started out the night by saying, “Gentlemen, tonight’s topics are intolerance, rejection of scientific fact, misplaced aggression due to phallic inadequacies and for extra credit, clumsily include multiple fawning and disingenuous references to Ronald Reagan into each of your answers– you have the floor."

As referenced earlier, people like Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich have their wingnut qualities, but when they take their medication; they speak truth to power. But because they’re loony in presentation, the voting public has kept them on a tight leash as not to do too much damage. On the other hand, The Republican field of last night had senators, congressmen and governors proclaiming beliefs that disregard women’s rights, gays and fourth-grade textbooks. Lucky for us, the Republican field can be nicely categorized if you’re keeping score at home:

Evangelical Christian Doofuses with pious smiles for miles
Governor Mike Huckabee and Governor Sam Brownback who both raised their bible-calloused hands when asked “who does not believe in evolution”; they also had the audacity to keep claiming throughout the night that “faith” should be “celebrated in the public square” and that it was their key decision-making tool. Not academics, legislative experience or management of exceptional and diverse counsel, but faith in a Christian God.
Fun Fact: Brownback defines himself as a social conservative and cites former Senator Jesse Helms as a model. Huckabee was a pastor of several Southern Baptist churches in Arkadelphia, Texarkana, and Pine Bluff, Arkansas - cue the banjo.

One-Trick-Pony moonbats who should be 8^th-grade shop teachers
California Rep. Duncan Hunter and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo both beat their cuckoo drums to death about military spending, immigration and building the Great Wall of Chicanos from California to Texas. Tancredo was also the third creationist jackass to raise his hand on the evolution question. Hunter looked like a drunken Rotarian guest-speaker spewing 50’s era talking points about China being the enemy and U.S. manufacturing needs government help to keep jobs. No Duncan, Intel makes great chips; GM makes shitty cars, how about we let the market decide and not the government Mr. Republican. Fun Fact: Duncan Hunter was a close friend of former congressman and uber-crook Duke Cunningham and Tancredo referred to Miami as a "third-world country"

Pandering wisps of vapor that will be Trivial Pursuit answers in 10 years
Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson both sucked-up to the base (as well as the ghost of Ronald Reagan) and delivered their lines exceptionally well with the glaring exception of Tommy Thompson when asked whether or not employers can essentially fire someone for being gay. For about three seconds you could see the sorry old bastard toss his conflicted soul from his body as he tacked to the conservative base and said that it was up to the employer to make that decision. Causing this viewer to rewind the Tivo to make sure I heard him right. It was an amazing moment of intolerance and sadness. Compounding this social tragedy was that none of the other candidates chimed in and stated that they live in the 21^st century and find Governor Thompson an homophobic idiot.

Smart guy we’ve never heard of who sounded most like a Buckley/Reagan Republican
Texas Rep. Ron Paul – Physician, libertarian, hates nation-building and thinks the current administration is money-drunk, dangerous big government cabal.

Front-runners (snort, snicker, bwah-ha-ha!)
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and Arizona Senator John McCain diverged last night in both opinion and passion. Giuliani broke from the ranks over saying he would not pursue overturning Roe v Wade and waffled on other social issues as not to alarm the party centrists (i.e. Schwarzenegger in the front row who he so desperately needs if he goes the distance). McCain was a fiery hawk who sounded like Khan at the end of Star Trek II with his “I’ll follow him [Osama Bin Laden] to the gates of hell” diatribe and then immediately smiled like the slow kid who is about to be rewarded with juice and crackers for getting his one line right in the Christmas play. Pandering to the base award-honorable mention goes to McCain for saying he believes in evolution but when he walks the Grand Canyon he can see the “hand of God”; really John, most of us see natural erosion of schist and limestone from a diminishing inland sea over millions of years and a once proud indigenous people who now need to build a plexi-glass walkway to help their communities survive Arizona winters. Way to go God.