Worst Day for Republicans...everokay, maybe the Lincoln thing was worse but c'mon

Super Tuesday served up the requisite surprises on both fronts: Obama surged to the point where Hillary is now positioning herself as the underdog and the Democratic race is on a trajectory that will possibly lead to to a deathmatch at a brokered convention. John McCain's national showing cinched his ascension to likely GOP presidential nominee. And bookending that headline was the head-shaking shocker of Mike Huckabee's Forest Gump-like good fortune enabling him to end the night in much better shape than Mitt Romney.

So one would assume that the following day for at least two of these guys would be a good one. Well, you would assume wrong; this is the GOP of the 21st century after all.

Senator John McCain gets booed at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). When you can't impress your party's base, um, you have no base.

Mitt Romney decides to hang it up. Not because he burned through $35 million of his own cash and had nothing really to show for it, but because he was doing it for the good of the party. So now we can add rationalizing sour grapes martyr to the list that includes moderate republican governor, faux-conservative presidential candidate and disingenuous jackass.

Hey Mike, you just won delegates in all the states that believe the earth is 6000 years old; what are you going to do now? Go on The Tyra Banks Show you say? What? Maury Povich and Dr. Phil were on hiatus?

Top 10 Reasons to vote for Mike Huckabee

Presidential candidates are nothing more than the epitome of insincerity and subterfuge. They're festooned in poll-driven talking-points and surround themselves with sycophants and operatives who want nothing more than to feather their own nests through association. But this year, we have been blessed. As if the prayers of the faithful have been answered. A candidate has risen from the muck who not only lives his beliefs, but campaigns only on those beliefs. A man so resolute in his Christian devotion that he chooses not to saddled with superfluous and noisy distractions like science, logic and constitutional law. Mike Huckabee is such a man. Cerebral Itch has compiled a list of 10 compelling reasons why you should vote for Mike Huckabee. If you do not agree with those reasons you are more than welcome to vote for that Muslim Negro boy or the godless lesbian. Either way your soul will be prayed for. Now, onto the list:

1. Mike Huckabee wants to amend the United States Constitution to "fit God's standards"
2. Mike Huckabee has hired forward-thinking James Pinkerton as a senior adviser for policy and strategic messaging. Pinkerton once suggested "put a cop in front of every mosque until I was completely satisfied nothing was going on there". He obviously cares for our well-being.
3. Mike Huckabee does not believe in evolution
4. Mike Huckabee enjoys the support of Chuck Norris
5. He is a bass player in a rock band that has opened for Willie Nelson and Grand Funk Railroad
6. Mike Huckabee vows to send all 12 million illegal immigrants back home
7. Mike Huckabee has been morbidly obese and lost weight - just like those fine folks on the TV
8. Mike Huckabee has ingrained true Christian beliefs in his son (or at least tried to until the whole dog hanging and handgun thing came about)
9. Mike Huckabee's wife, Janet can lift cars and shaves with broken glass
10. Mike Huckabee is an ordained Southern Baptist Minister from Arkansas- need we say more!

Out of touch old white guys table for 10?...right this way - The Republican Presidential Debate re-cap

While the Democratic Presidential debate last week was mostly a mambo line of milquetoast liberals trying out their talking points while paso doble-ing on eggshells, (with great exception to Mike Gravel and Senator Joe Biden who both wore “pissed-off zany” like a bespoke suit) it addressed the need of listening to the ‘06 electorate and wilding on the functional illiterate currently playing Risk in the West Wing. But all in all, it was relatively harmless.

But last night’s Republican Presidential Debate could be billed as the scariest two-hours in television history since The Day After aired. Chris Matthews should’ve just started out the night by saying, “Gentlemen, tonight’s topics are intolerance, rejection of scientific fact, misplaced aggression due to phallic inadequacies and for extra credit, clumsily include multiple fawning and disingenuous references to Ronald Reagan into each of your answers– you have the floor."

As referenced earlier, people like Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich have their wingnut qualities, but when they take their medication; they speak truth to power. But because they’re loony in presentation, the voting public has kept them on a tight leash as not to do too much damage. On the other hand, The Republican field of last night had senators, congressmen and governors proclaiming beliefs that disregard women’s rights, gays and fourth-grade textbooks. Lucky for us, the Republican field can be nicely categorized if you’re keeping score at home:

Evangelical Christian Doofuses with pious smiles for miles
Governor Mike Huckabee and Governor Sam Brownback who both raised their bible-calloused hands when asked “who does not believe in evolution”; they also had the audacity to keep claiming throughout the night that “faith” should be “celebrated in the public square” and that it was their key decision-making tool. Not academics, legislative experience or management of exceptional and diverse counsel, but faith in a Christian God.
Fun Fact: Brownback defines himself as a social conservative and cites former Senator Jesse Helms as a model. Huckabee was a pastor of several Southern Baptist churches in Arkadelphia, Texarkana, and Pine Bluff, Arkansas - cue the banjo.

One-Trick-Pony moonbats who should be 8^th-grade shop teachers
California Rep. Duncan Hunter and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo both beat their cuckoo drums to death about military spending, immigration and building the Great Wall of Chicanos from California to Texas. Tancredo was also the third creationist jackass to raise his hand on the evolution question. Hunter looked like a drunken Rotarian guest-speaker spewing 50’s era talking points about China being the enemy and U.S. manufacturing needs government help to keep jobs. No Duncan, Intel makes great chips; GM makes shitty cars, how about we let the market decide and not the government Mr. Republican. Fun Fact: Duncan Hunter was a close friend of former congressman and uber-crook Duke Cunningham and Tancredo referred to Miami as a "third-world country"

Pandering wisps of vapor that will be Trivial Pursuit answers in 10 years
Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson both sucked-up to the base (as well as the ghost of Ronald Reagan) and delivered their lines exceptionally well with the glaring exception of Tommy Thompson when asked whether or not employers can essentially fire someone for being gay. For about three seconds you could see the sorry old bastard toss his conflicted soul from his body as he tacked to the conservative base and said that it was up to the employer to make that decision. Causing this viewer to rewind the Tivo to make sure I heard him right. It was an amazing moment of intolerance and sadness. Compounding this social tragedy was that none of the other candidates chimed in and stated that they live in the 21^st century and find Governor Thompson an homophobic idiot.

Smart guy we’ve never heard of who sounded most like a Buckley/Reagan Republican
Texas Rep. Ron Paul – Physician, libertarian, hates nation-building and thinks the current administration is money-drunk, dangerous big government cabal.

Front-runners (snort, snicker, bwah-ha-ha!)
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and Arizona Senator John McCain diverged last night in both opinion and passion. Giuliani broke from the ranks over saying he would not pursue overturning Roe v Wade and waffled on other social issues as not to alarm the party centrists (i.e. Schwarzenegger in the front row who he so desperately needs if he goes the distance). McCain was a fiery hawk who sounded like Khan at the end of Star Trek II with his “I’ll follow him [Osama Bin Laden] to the gates of hell” diatribe and then immediately smiled like the slow kid who is about to be rewarded with juice and crackers for getting his one line right in the Christmas play. Pandering to the base award-honorable mention goes to McCain for saying he believes in evolution but when he walks the Grand Canyon he can see the “hand of God”; really John, most of us see natural erosion of schist and limestone from a diminishing inland sea over millions of years and a once proud indigenous people who now need to build a plexi-glass walkway to help their communities survive Arizona winters. Way to go God.