Cerebral Itch on the road with Scooter, Leo and our own special little trouble making idiot, Veejay

I will definitely cop to the fact that we've been a little erratic on posting surrounding the holiday, but I thought we really had our act together in preparing for the editorial necessities of the 4th of July. Then GW goes and lets our buddy Scooter out of his cage last Monday and ever since we've been tangled up with Libby and his defense team in a drunken haze complete with celebratory streaking, pissing off balconies and 24/7 room service at the Ritz-Carlton. Washington D.C. was where we celebrated the 4th because I like to expose our editorial team from Bangalore to what makes this country great: K Street, executive power and laissez-faire morality D.C.-style. So the Scooter party was just a lucky break for all concerned.

No sooner were we paying bail and sober for about six hours then we got wrapped up in all the Live Earth crap. Al Gore had left us a few VIP passes at our hotel (he's still sweet on us for the coverage we gave him during Oscar time) and we figured if crooked conservatives could party, then tree-hugging juiced up artistic liberals could put us under the table; plus, they're way hotter. So we fueled up the Cerebral Itch Gulf Stream (on loan from Oprah - another story for another time) and popped over to New York. My main man and editorial manager, Veejay, who you may remember is still getting over the trauma of his run-in with Orangutan, swore he was going to get himself some Cameron Diaz. He has a bit of a penchant for inane mousy blondes with questionable hygeine; so by going to a liberal rock concert he was about to throw himself into nirvana.

I stayed a safe distance away from the hordes. I've been to Burning Man, I know how these things can get. Turns out Leonardo Dicaprio is a huge Cerebral Itch fan and loves to send the Beard Intervention card to Katie Holmes every month as a joke. Which led her to start firing back with Fraud cards. I love that we're part of a Hollywood feud. He heard I was around, had his people find me and twenty minutes later I was in his custom trailer knocking back lemon drops adorned with organic mint sprigs cavorting with a passel of Icelandic lingerie models while being attended to by two midget waiters wearing tuxedos, I kid you not; this is how Leo rolls.

As I'm enjoying the good Christian fellowship of the group in Leo's pad, I get a text message from Veejay saying he just got swept up by security. Well, it seems that Veejay did get in Cameron Diaz's personal space and made an ass out of himself. He got down on one knee, ripped open his shirt and pointed to his heart and told her to "come home where you belong Cammie!". He was tackled by the Live Earth shock troops, tasered and thrown in a makeshift pen for idiot law breakers. I replied back, "You're harshing my buzz - the Police are about to go on and I'm done pulling your ass out of a sling, I'll see you in the morning dumb ass". I settled back into the remarkably soft hemp couch with Falda and Brynhildur and reduced my carbon footprint with another drink.

Oh Cameron, the cross you bear

Cameron Diaz recently let her feelings be known on the soul-crushing inequality of being perty.

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average. It's all in my genes, so don't hold it against me."

Perhaps all that was needed to help punch this polemic through the mundane white-noise of war, corruption and climate change was for her to be on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. That surely would've added to the necessary gravitas to such a bold and uniting statement. Her pain must resonate so deeply with high-school cheerleaders and Hawaiian Tropic girls around the world. Someone organize a telethon and call Bill and Melinda Gates.

You know, there were days when attractive blond actresses (editors note: brunettes are waaay hotter) giggled and acted stupid. Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Judy Holliday made a tidy living off of that schtick. Now, golden scarecrows Cameron Diaz, Gwyneth Paltrow and the like make the occasional asinine statement with the lofty intent of being profound or intelligent. Unfortunately no one told them that you have to be profound and intelligent to make those kinds of statements.

And as for that "successful actress [who] weighs 300 pounds and has warts"; Camryn Manheim is coming to kick your scrawny white ass.